Apologies if this comes out a bit jumbled - and long - but I feel like I need to get out as much info as possible to see if anyone can identify with me, or tell me to get a grip if needed.
I have 'thought' about my mental health before but never been diagnosed with anything or had treatment. A recent huge argument with df - completely instigated by me and over genuinely, nothing - has prompted this. It's started me thinking but in more of a constructive way (I hope).
I have extreme mood swings (something that df shouted at me earlier but I was aware of anyway). They can come in waves...days of nothing, days of horrible swings. I have no manic episodes...I just mean swings from being 'normal' - in a relatively decent mood - to being hugely irritated, annoyed, aggressive or in a 'the world is against me' mood.
Df gets the brunt of it - the kids get some. I shout at them loudly at times, sometimes aggressively. I hate myself but I just can't hold it in.
I am self destructive, not physically, but emotionally. I am pushing and pushing df, almost doing and saying things to make me hate him.
I have no idea about what I like. Any personal questions asked of me - What type of music do you like? Where is your favourite place? What do you most love about your df? - usually leave me stumped. I have no idea - I can't really remember a time when I did. I give 'stock' answers to satisfy people - a perfectly reasonable and believable (but untrue) answer flies out of my mouth. Essentially I feel personality-less.
I am pathetically pleased sometimes when I come across as 'normal'. This is a hard one to explain. The most mundane thing/conversation can happen and I get almost a thrill at having appeared to be like everyone else. Which is bizarre, because I technically am 'normal' and like everyone. When out with df and my two dc, if I pass another family with similar set up, I look at the other woman and think 'Look - it's like i'm just like her, normal, on a family shopping trip' etc. Which makes no sense I know, but I can't explain it better.
I often have little or no personal feelings - or emotional response. Not always I might add - in an argument with df I am prone to cry for instance, always have been. My mum, sister and MIL however have all told me before (under extreme provocation from me I might add and on separate occassions) - that I have no feelings. I just don't. I can argue, be told the most upsetting things and sometimes feel nothing. I don't feel guilty for upsetting people (the exception, and only exception being my dc). I struggle to remember any happy times in my past - nothing comes to the surface unless I really, really think about it. I also struggle to 'empathise' with people. I find it impossible to identify traits of another person, or myself.
THAT has been my biggest worry over the past - who knows - year? Two years maybe? I have googled and researched psychopathy lots because I've thought that that was my issue - having no feelings or normal responses - but the symptoms just don't fit.
More generally - I am a bit low at times. I know that I am anxious and think too much. These things would be typical of depression I suppose - but I just don't feel like I am 'depressed' as such. I am 26 with two dc. I have no history of abuse at all - not the best childhood ever but nothing abusive.
The above makes me sound like a lunatic, so I just want to add a clarifying statement. I am pretty sure that anyone who knows me and who read the above would be shocked - because I think I come across as a normal, happy and well-balanced, fairly high-functioning adult. I have a responsible job which I excel at. I am well-liked (I think) by school mums, the couple of friends I have, family. I am OK at managing every day tasks.
So what is my problem? Do I have something that needs diagnosing? Or is the Mental-health route sometimes a cop out for bad behaviour that I am trying to use. I am genuinely puzzled so any insights would be appreciated. I know that I am not happy - but I don't know why. I am reluctant to go to the GP in case I get the standard - 'you're depressed, have some ad's' answer. My gut instinct is that this is not standard depression.