Someone tell me what's worse...

[Lemele]

...a mentally-screwed-up mum who affects her kids negatively throughout their childhood despite her best efforts, or a mum who kills herself when they?re small so they only have lovely memories of her and grow up with their dad (and hopefully a new mum who isn?t so screwed up)?

Neither. Is this you op? Do you want to talk?

Didn't want you to be on your own awaiting a reply as sounds like you're going through a tough time. Here with you until someone wiser comes along. You mean the world to your babies and others however you may feel at the moment.

Kids never recover from losing their mum to suicide. Speaking as someone who knows, if you are poorly enough to think like that you mead treatment my love.

Are you receiving any?

Need*

Yes it's me. Struggled with depression in various stages of severity from about 11 or 12 years old but my worst and longest 'episode' started in May and is ongoing. Lots of different types of self harm/starvation & eating issues/total numbness/attempts at overdosing etc. Did very, very minor self harm when a teenager but nothing more like that, or the rest, until now.

I have been getting 'help' of sorts, from mental health team and crisis team, things got super bad and i went in a crisis house for a week, but then when i came out, as i kind of expected, i had basically no help and have had nothing since (that was 3 weeks ago). I know i need to go see the person from the mental health team that i was seeing before i went there but i haven't managed to get myself to make an appointment yet.

The thing is that i've seen loads of blogs and things about people who self harm or are suicidal and generally really struggle with life because of their mum and how she affected them - the most ill people i came across had anorexic or harming mothers. I know having a mum who's died when you were tiny is awful - OBVIOUSLY. But different, you know? You spend your life looking for a mother figure maybe. You feel unfulfilled or similar things that are hard to deal with. But you don't have to repeatedly put up with this sick woman who is supposed to look after you and care for you but who can't even care for herself properly and just wants to be absent from everything...

My mum has had huge mental health problems all my life, and she's always been in and out of hospitals, including a very high security one. But now she's much better , and I'd say she's my best friend. Obviously
It's affected me over the years but now I'm her carer and wouldn't have it any other way.

You're babies need you, and are much better off with a mum who is struggling a bit atm, than not one at all. I'm sorry to hear you're finding things so hard. Make that appointment first thing tomorrow, and demand the help you need.

Thanks, calming. That stuff about you is good to know.

I've always been of the opinion that a messed up mum is better than no mum at all but that opinion is slowly leaning the other way as i struggle more and more (despite feeling better than i did a few weeks ago). Trying to fight it but at the same time just wanting to totally give in to it all; everything is just so tiring.

Sorry. I am bitter.
I try not to be. Its not an attractive trait.

Anna, I appreciate your feelings, but I'm not sure yours is the best thing to post to OPs question.

Lemele - you need help, not to die.

Forgetful, I've misunderstood the post. Sorry.
I though the op was talking about her mother, and needed to escape her but on rereading SHE is the mother.
My situation was different my mother was an abuser.

If she had mental health problems but loved me I would apsolutely want her there.

Lemele I think you love your kids and care for them, and they will know that and love you.

I should have read it more carefully.
Forgetful is right you need help, make that appointment Lemele.

And I apologise for my other post please ignore, I would delete it but don't know how.

hugs, anna.

By all accounts, i'm apparently a very good mother. Which i guess is good. I grew up with many siblings and mothered them better than my own mum a lot of the time. I always want the best for my kids (which is why i ask this question in the first place...), even when I'm feeling the shittiest of shittiness and can't even face life i still make an effort to do something for the children each day, even if it's only having a cuddle on the sofa for 20 minutes. I just feel pathetic in so many ways and guilty that i can't give them more at the moment. I care for them so much that, despite the fact that it would kill me, i would rather they were adopted than me be a bad mother and screw their lives up. To imagine them as hurting teenagers is like a dagger in the heart.

When i'm not so depressed i don't think they know any better; even my husband doesn't really notice and the majority of friends certainly don't. Everyone thinks i'm happy and jolly and can cope with anything and a whole load of other crap. I hide everything well and do all i can to be normal and kind and loving and give my kids what they need. It's just at times like this - this being the worst ever - that i worry about these things.

I finally managed to make a doc appointment for next week so at least that is sorted.

x-posts anna.

It's things like this which i need to read:

"If she had mental health problems but loved me I would apsolutely want her there.

Lemele I think you love your kids and care for them, and they will know that and love you."

A very wise psychiatrist once said to me that the patients that were hardest to help were the ones who had lost a parent to suicide. He told me that killing myself was worse for them than any possible damage I could inflict by being alive.

Please hang in there - this too shall pass

Lemele my problem was that I was not loved. No love caused me damage. No cuddles. No kisses. No hugs.

Your children really sound to me that they have a great mum. Few people are perfect and that don't matter.

So glad you made that appointment x

Hello

As anna891 has indicated that she would prefer her first post here to be gone, we've withdrawn that for her now.

We really hope you start to feel better soon, Lemele

Lemele, firstly big hugs, this is an awful way to be feeling for you.

I have battled with depression since the age of 13 and taken various prescribed concoctions to no avail, I've seen counsellors, forced myself to carry on in the face of it, self harmed and taken an overdose.

People look at your life and think; you have X, Y and Z, how can you be depressed?! But they have never lived through it, not understood that it is not a choice, nor in your control and that is perhaps the worst part.

When I became pregnant and my MH issues got worse, I was terrified for my baby. I considered ablation and adoption despite her being planned, her dad left me as he felt unable to cope.

I saw a mid wife every day, the infant parent perinatal service once a week, the gp once a fortnight, a cbt therapist once a week and slowly but surely I got there. I never ever believed that talking therapies could help but cbt totally changes my views, it was amazing the way we broke down every corner of my life and also retrained my brain to change the emotional responses to things.

There is always hope, please don't give up xxx

Lemele

I want to add my voice to the chorus that is urging you to hang on.

My mum had undiagnosed mental health problems that made her unwell at times in our childhood and left her vulnerable to our abusive dad. But without her there would have been no love in our lives. She loved us and we love her. If she had died, none of us would have recovered.

You sound like a loving mother who is struggling at the moment. But you are taking responsibility for your mental health, which is an incredibly brave and hard thing to do. My mum never did and that made a hard situation harder for us as kids.

Keep going. Your kids need their incredible mum.

Just wanted to add my thoughts here.

I definitely didn't have the worst childhood ever, but my mum clearly enjoyed bullying me, telling me I was useless etc. there are also a few situations where she failed to protect my dsis from abuse in the family. She lies on a regular basis & refuses to ever take responsibility for anything she has done.

I'm not in contact with her now & neither is my dsis. I have suspected for some time that she may have mental illness (but that's because I cannot believe that any sane person would behave like she has). Despite all that I would never wish her dead.

Lemele - you have recognised that you need help & you've made the first steps in getting that help. You should be very proud of yourself. Your children need you - to them you are everything so please don't ever think they they'd be better off without you.

I wish you & your family the best of luck & I hope things start getting better for you soon

You lot have brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for caring about a total stranger.