It's my birthday now and I hate it, I hate that they had me, that I survived and I'm still here now.
I hate the fuss of birthdays, I want mine to go by without anyone remembering because I'm not worth it, but then if they did that it would make my feelings justified if that makes sense.
I am grateful for what my friends and my children do for me, I just don't know how I'm supposed to act.
My head is a mess, I don't know how to fix it anymore.
It doesn't seem like its worth living/breathing or anything. I know just now I have to but I resent it.
I'm going to try and see my GP tomorrow but she will just say the same thing "oh you look good today, you must be feeling better" so I just nod and say I'm fine, if I say anything else she will think I'm making it up.
My cpn is supposed to be seeing me tomorrow, but I feel like she is fed up of me too, she was really good when I was in hospital a few weeks ago but now it feels like I need to shut up.
Everything feels so dark now, it's wrong that I'm still here, the stuff that's in my head scares me and won't go away.
I don't think I've made much sense and I'm sorry 