does anyone else feel like they have no feelings?

[mouseymummy]

I'm not sure why but I've been looking back at my life recently and I honestly can't say as I've ever experienced all those emotions people talk about.

Butterflys when you think of the one you love... I didn't think 'real people' got them.
Love for someone like a partner, no idea but I very much doubt it.
Love for family... Nope, tbh, I keep in touch because I have to.
I feel like I would do anything for my kids but I never felt a rush of love or all consuming feeling when they were born. I feel indifferent to the baby I'm pg with. I can honestly say I feel relieved when my eldest goes to her nans or the youngest isn't with me.
That feeling of being excited for a new baby... Nope. I just feel numb about it.

All the happy emotions, I have never felt these. I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time I gave someone a proper smile. It's usually fake.

I'm tired of always feeling like I can't enjoy somethin... That there is something wrong with me enjoying it.

I've been on ADs before and they just made the sad times less sad iyswim. I stopped taking them after a yr and I feel the same as I did on them now. I've had counselling before to deal with my toxic mum and she asked me what ny happiest memory was. When I told her I don't have any happy memories, she looked at me like I had 3 heads.

I don't know.how to bring it up with someone. It's not like I have anyone I can talk to about stuff like this. Ky family wouldn't be interested and I don't have friends really. I have people around me but not anyone who would feel comfortable discussing feelings.

I'm not even sure if I need to feel these feelings iyswim. I've been like this all my life and I've managed to get this far.

But then again, by posting, am I asking for help... I don't know. I just meds to get this down.

Hi there

I don't think you are happy at all, are you? I'm not sure what to say but I think you are very very depressed and possibly you've been depressed so long, maybe since childhood, you have no idea of what it's like not being depressed. You've kind of just gone through life like this. The feelings you describe are signs of depression - it's just usually a person remembers back to when they were happy/normal state of mind, and now they are feeling terrible compared to that. But you don't seem to have any happy to compare back to.

Sorry, on my phone and it's hard to post. Is there any way you could print out your post and ask your GP to read it?

I'd love to be happy. I want to be able to feel love for someone.

My gp just gives a prescription for ads for everything and they just didn't work. They just made the sad times less sad iyswim. Maybe that's how I'm meant to feel though. I don't know.

Find a GP that listens to you - your post is very articulate. It's encouraging that the ADs made sad times less sad, but they may not have been the right ADs for you. People try a lot of different ones before they find ones that suit. You said your mother is toxic - I'm just wondering what kind of effect that had on you. You seem to me to be like the baby who gives up crying because nobody comes - the baby is still stressed and upset but eventually does stop crying. I think maybe you have switched off your feelings as a survival mechanism. Do you remember ever feeling happy about anything?

Sorry - I realised you said in your OP that you don't have any happy memories. Do you enjoy anything? TV programmes, reading, walking, shopping, eating? Do you ever feel pleased about anything? Like something you've done or something you've got?

I can't honestly say I have a happy memory. I remember times like my uncles wedding, where everyone else was happy but I was just faking it. I hated the dress, the fact I had to keep smiling and talking to people, even though i just wanted to go and cry in a corner somewhere quiet. I would have been about 7/8.

I enjoy things like reading and I do like watching a couple of tv shows but the thought of doing / watching it doesn't make me excited but its not a chore to get motivated to do it iyswim.

I really don't know what effect having my mother as my mother had on me. It might have been the cause but equally I may have always been destined to feel like this.

I just wish I could make me better.

I don't believe at all that anyone is destined to feel unhappy. I do think that you learned somewhere along the way to withdraw from feeling happy - maybe in case it was taken away from you. Would you consider going to counselling again?

You don't say whether you have a DP or if you are caring for your children by yourself. I would say it is quite natural to feel relieved when they aren't there by the way - small children are hard work! The fact that you feel you would do anything for them says to me that you love them, and love them deeply - but I think what you are missing out on is the joy children can bring - the heart bursting love people talk about - well that's just intense happiness that your child exists really - it's pleasure in their existence. It's not that you don't love them, it's because you are not feeling happy anyway - or you have learned not to take pleasure in things. In anything. I think anything you found happiness in as a small child was taken away from you.

I really believe that something you have learned you can unlearn. But it's hard, because you may have to deal with strong feelings of grief and anger. Something that has been helping me grieve is looking at parenting websites and realising that what I had was not what should be, at all. When I was a small child of 8 I had recurrent nightmares - I woke my mother the first few nights and then I was told I wasn't to do that so I spent the next few years dreading going to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night and then lying awake with the light on until it got bright outside and I could go to sleep. I don't think I ever asked my parents for any kind of help for anything after that. It wasn't a conscious decision or anything, and it's only in telling you I have realised it was probably the final nail in the coffin. The pattern was there already though. Do I ask for help as an adult? No. Do I let things get so bad I can't cope? Yes. But I am trying to change.

I could go on and on about myself but this thread is yours, not mine! I'm glad you have reached out here, even if it is the internet. Please keep posting. I am genuinely filled with sympathy and concern for you.

Mouseymum, you could be me. Everything in your post, mirrors my life it seems. I feel as those I've never developed the ability to have feelings, & find it strange that others do, sometimes I wish I could do the same but then not sure I want to.

I had no feelings for years and years and thought I was abnormal. I couldn't understand why I couldn't feel anything - love, hate, anger etc.

I had severe anxiety for years but was fortunate enough to get pschological counselling through my GP (this was a long time). This helped me to understand that it was OK to HAVE feelings - I'd been brought up to think I wasn't entitled to them and should never ever express them.

Good luck

Apile, thank you for your post. I might see if I can get some kind of therapy again via the gp. There's no way in hell I can afford to go private!

I seem to be ok with telling strangers about what's going on but with my friends (few and far between) and family, I can't say a word. I act like I'm 'normal' and do the smiling, laughing and joking, despite wanting to run away!

I'm on my own with my kids now, my stbxh was abusive and thanks to mn I got rid. I think that's why I've been reflecting on my life. How the hell did I go from a decent background, to living on a council estate, claiming benefits and no prospects of ever gettin out...

I think I might see if dd1 can go to her mates up the road for an hour so I can try get some more sleep. That might help.