I'm not sure why but I've been looking back at my life recently and I honestly can't say as I've ever experienced all those emotions people talk about.
Butterflys when you think of the one you love... I didn't think 'real people' got them.
Love for someone like a partner, no idea but I very much doubt it.
Love for family... Nope, tbh, I keep in touch because I have to.
I feel like I would do anything for my kids but I never felt a rush of love or all consuming feeling when they were born. I feel indifferent to the baby I'm pg with. I can honestly say I feel relieved when my eldest goes to her nans or the youngest isn't with me.
That feeling of being excited for a new baby... Nope. I just feel numb about it.
All the happy emotions, I have never felt these. I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time I gave someone a proper smile. It's usually fake.
I'm tired of always feeling like I can't enjoy somethin... That there is something wrong with me enjoying it.
I've been on ADs before and they just made the sad times less sad iyswim. I stopped taking them after a yr and I feel the same as I did on them now. I've had counselling before to deal with my toxic mum and she asked me what ny happiest memory was. When I told her I don't have any happy memories, she looked at me like I had 3 heads.
I don't know.how to bring it up with someone. It's not like I have anyone I can talk to about stuff like this. Ky family wouldn't be interested and I don't have friends really. I have people around me but not anyone who would feel comfortable discussing feelings.
I'm not even sure if I need to feel these feelings iyswim. I've been like this all my life and I've managed to get this far.
But then again, by posting, am I asking for help... I don't know. I just meds to get this down.