I'm a dreadful mother and I need to sort myself out.

[INeedSleeeeeeeep]

I've started and deleted this post once already. I can barely even be arsed to write it.

I am exhausted to the point where I can barely move. DS won't go down in his cot in the evenings without at least three attempts, and even then will usually wake again, and is invariably in bed with me by 11. DH is camping down on the floor in DD's room as she wakes too. If I leave either of them to cry for more just a couple of minutes they get so frenzied that they vomit, a lot, which just makes the whole situation worse.

DS also refuses to sleep in the day. Today he had about 20 minutes so I've got very little done. Even hanging the washing out was a trial, with him constantly launching himself into the dirty puddle in the paddling pool that I still haven't cleaned

I've posted on another thread that I hit myself on the head in anger and frustration at DS. My language is atrocious and the guilt at all of this is sickening.

Poor DD gets the brunt of it though. I'm impatient and snappy with her and have absolutely no patience for dealing kindly with the usual 3yo strops and tantrums. I'm a terrible role model and it kills me when she tells me to be happy, or not to be angry. Today we were supposed to be going to the park but by now I'm so lethargic and weak that I was hoping she'd have forgotten (she hasn't, but I'm going to try and fob her off with a story).

I can't find the time to exercise, and nearly every day I set myself up for failure by being determined to eat healthily and lose weight, but stuffing myself with biscuits and chocolate when the exhaustion hits. I honestly despise myself. My skin is crap and my body is vile. I tried to get my hair sorted back in January but a cack-handed hairdresser wrecked it with bleach and I've had to cover it in a boring brown.

I've been in touch with the Health Visiting team today about sleep training. However I just feel that nothing is going to work with my DCs - they do seem to be exceptionally bad at sleeping. I've made an appointment to see a GP but that's not until 30th.

What do I do in the meantime to keep my head above water? I have to go back to a job I dislike in September (PT at least). How am I going to manage on so little sleep?

The 30th is a long way off and I appreciate that GP appts can be hard to come by, but is there any way you could bring it forward?

Hi could you see your HV to talk about sleep issues? My dc will not go down for naps in the day unless I drive the car or push the pram so I am afraid that is what I resort to.

Have you got a children's centre worker at your local sure start you can talk to? For practical tips or support with having two young children?

Sorry just read you going to talk with HV. I had a reflux baby that made sleep so so hard and just hearing from my HV that I had it hard helped, to normalise that it was hard.

one thing at a time.

they are all feeding into the same issue of lethargy

but one thing at a time.

one kid at a time

take the three year old. You know what to do, ignore, ignore ignore.

one week later - if you REALLY do this, she will sleep. what you will say is that you have done this, but if you think about it, youopenined the door or something, most people do - they say they tried - and they didn't.

in 1 weeks time, if you keep your resolve - the kid will be asleep.

they the other one - this means two weeks of fuck all sleep - and you will be desperate.

in two weeks time, 2 kids that sleep - think about that.

but you can absolutely put the baby somewhere safe in another room and leave him during the day to gather your thoughts, have a shit, make some pasta, have a cup of tea.

so s/he cries - so what - kids do that. better that than going insane

next the diet.

quick sugar rushes are leading to energy slumps - never mind health, guilting yourself or setting stupid goals considering everything else you have going on.

you know this already though.

one thing at a time

First of all you are not a terrible mother, tiredness is unbelievably difficult to deal with on a long term basis and the fact that you have posted obviously means that you care about your children and want to change things.
I second trying to get a docs appointment sooner. Also, look into local children centres as they sometimes have sleep training drop ins.
Try to get out of the house as much ad possible, even if it means dragging yourself out. Your kids will get a run around to tire them out, you will get some gentle exercise and I find it much easier to deal with my los outdoors than trapped inside as it's less intense.
Give yourself a break about your appearance at the moment, self loathing will not prompt you to look after yourself, and probably push you towards the biscuits.
Don't worry to much about the house, just do the bare minimum that you can live with for a while, housework comes secondary to your mental health and the happiness of you and your family.
sorry you're having a hard time op, I hope things improve for you soon and please please stop being so hard on yourself, it only makes matters worse!

Problem is I'm reluctant to see a doctor at all. I went through a period of feeling hopeless in my early twenties. It got to a point where I felt I needed to get it sorted, so I booked an appointment for that day.

I sat in the consultation room, said 'My symptoms are ...' at which point the doctor berated me, saying 'You do realise that this is an emergency clinic, don't you?'

I asked if he'd rather I left, to which he replied yes, and I never went back. Luckily that in itself, being made to feel I was malingering, helped me to recover in a warped kind of way.

Will I have to tell my employers or declare depression for life insurance if that's what's diagnosed? (I feel it will be).

Yes for some insurance policies, such as travel insurance but can depend and for work it depends on your policies at work.

But it does not mean you are depressed. Why not try dealing with the sleep issues and practical things as they may be causing exhaustion and how you feel.

Would it be possible for you and DH to do 1 night on 1 night off with the kids? Ie, someone does both, then gets a night of sleep with earplugs in a locked room?

Ps - a horrid hairdresser did the exact same to my hair and I was gutted completely.

A low carb diet really cuts cravings once you get through the 2-3 days of pain. You tend to get a bit of a high with it and initially the weight and bloat really goes. It may be worth a go.

Have you ever tried st johns wort? Or Vit d tablets or multivit?

Is St John's wort ok with BFing? I did try it during that episode in my twenties, now you mention it.

I am currently with DS for the second time after putting him down tonight. The (beautiful) boy is a machine!

I am not sure about SJW with BF. I imagine not though.

I only lasted 3 weeks BF DD2, my eldest is about the same age as yours. Just couldn't do it. My eldest was going mental with lack of attention, real food as I was permanently tied to the baby.

I did feel a lot better once I switched to bottles as I instantly got a lot more sleep as DH could do a lot more. Then I got back on the SJW and serious caffeine again and it helped.