I'm not sure about how to put this, or what I really want people to tell me, so please bear with me!
My mum died 10 years ago. I loved her dearly. However, it is becoming apparent that my childhood was not normal and I am carrying several issues which are still affecting me.
I have read the stately homes thread over in relati, and I don't honestly think it applies to me. I do have FOG, but I don't believe my mum was toxic; if anything I think she was a very depressed woman who did try to do her best. Due to the depression, she didn't go out much when I was young so I therefore didn't really have friends or the chance to socialise and I am now very awkward; this was then compounded by bullying at school.
I have had counselling several times in my life, but I don't find it particularly helpful - I am well aware of my "shortcomings" and all the reasons behind my actions and choices. It's quite hard to explain, but I am a very rational thinker about my thoughts although I am very prone to irrational thoughts; so I am aware that friends would not invite me out for drinks etc if they didn't like me, but there is always part of my head that is expecting them to drop me/laugh at me. Rationally I know this is absurd and related to my bullying, but I cannot get rid of the thoughts.