doctors appointment today, would really appreciate some support :(

[Fairylea]

I have had depression in the past and when dd now aged 10 was a baby I had very severe pnd which resulted in me being on 60mg of citalopram for 2 years.

I am now a sahm to a 14 month old ds and I sailed through the early months with him much to my relief.

However, the last month or so I have found my anxiety creeping up. I can't cope with any noise or people (ie public places) and I'm finding even being around my dh and dd very difficult. I am good at hiding it from the dc but dh I can't seem to do so and I admit I've not been very nice to him lately :( I just feel emotionally blank. And I have absolutely zero sex drive. Just like a switch has gone off.

I am finding it harder as ds gets older because naturally he wants to play with other babies etc and although I do take him to parks and soft play etc I find myself getting ridiculously stressed. I've always been an introvert.

I don't go to any groups with him for the above reasons.

Ds sleeps very well but I find myself dreading waking up the next day as its all so stressful.

I have thyroid problems for which I am on medication. They keep telling me I am on the correct dose.

I have a doctor's appointment at 4.30 today and I don't know what to expect from them really. I am prepared to take medication but I don't know if that's going to solve anything.

I have no family for support or babysitting (on either side, none at all) and no friends in real life.

Why are you trying to hide it from your DH?

Think positively - you have noticed by yourself that this is creeping up on you and are taking steps to remedy this.

Cant you talk to your DH and say that you need support?

I am an introvert and used to force myself to go to playgroups etc - it got better as I got to know people there so its worthwhile persevering.

Good question. I suppose I feel embarrassed. And guilty that I'm miserable when he's really happy at the moment and thinks life is great. I feel like I'm letting him down.

There's nothing to feel embarrassed about but I know what you mean :)

Does he know about the depression you had with your DD?

HOw were you in the 8 years between coming off the ADs and feeling that you're slipping back?

Thanks.. yes he knows everything about my pnd before.

We've had a lot of family stresses lately, with both our mum's, arguments etc so I think everything has just pushed me over the edge.

I've had ups and downs in the last 8 years. Sometimes I wonder if I am a bit bi polar. A lot of my behaviour in the last 8 yrs has been quite impulsive (spending lots when I don't have it, drinking too much and sleeping with wrong sorts (all before dh) then I met dh and calmed down, I don't drink either now... but the depression is back.

I feel very emotion less actually. More than anything just dead inside.

Since he knows, all you need to say is that you can feel yourself slipping back. He probably has some idea there's something up and would rather find out that it is this rather than the fact that you're shagging George Clooney* whist he is out at work

A friend takes a low dose of ADs all the time rather than dealing with huge low points - it seems to work for her

*Other celebrities are available

HOw did you get on?

Thanks soupdragon.... it went ok, I think. I've been given a 10mg dose of citalopram to start with. A little disappointed I've been given the same thing as always but I suppose I do get on with them so I will give it a go.... guess I wanted them to give me some magical new pill that will sort me out in a day. (Hmmm).

I've also been referred for counselling. I can't see how I can go as dh works shifts 50 hours a week and always different....! So no one to watch ds for me and can't really take him with me.

I feel like dh is annoyed because I'm not talking to him much at the moment but I just feel resentful of such little rubbish things its ridiculous... like if he doesn't get up with me in the mornings with ds even if he gets up 20 mins later it sends me into a rage. I think why should I be the one to get up ?? (He doesn't hear ds at all, really).

It's all so anger inducing and ridiculous.

At least you know the citalopram works - no nasty surprise side effects to get through.

Magic 24 hour cures would be nice though :)

That's true :)

Thank you for your support today, I really appreciate it.

No problem

I am on a low dose of sertraline all the time, instead of going on and off medication which I tried to do before and had some really, really bad low patches. To make it worse these were at age 14 and 17 so I have stuck with having a low dose to keep my sad moods even and especially whilst being pregnant. They thought the risk to me was greater than the risk to DD and as it was such a low dose, she wasn't addicted to it or anything. It's got no harmful affects whilst breastfeeding too, though I'm not sure about other forms of Anti D's.

I can't claim I know how you feel as my set up is very different. However, I know how it can feel to be isolated. Just because you are introverted doesn't mean you wouldn't really thrive with having a couple of close friends to chat with. Have you ever thought about meeting up with another MNetter who lives close to your area with your DS and perhaps getting to know them?

RE: Counselling that might be difficult. But perhaps if you did it once a month, it could be a little bit more possible. Maybe someone in the office of the counselling session could have DS for an hour (I don't know how plausible this is by the way, just a suggestion - speak to counsellor about this I am sure they would be helpful with giving suggestions).

As far as being bipolar it certainly is a possibility. Have you spoken to your doctor about your feelings on this? It could be something else entirely too. Sometimes OCD can present itself with some on off impulsions and Anxiety Disorder which you sound like you could possibly have, specifically Social Anxiety, can also present itself with some irratic behaviour.

I hope you are beginning to feel a little better soon with the medication. It takes a few weeks to really feel the affects. Perhaps being on a low dose more permanently would be a better option for you?

I know it's difficult to talk to your partner as I am sure you don't want to bring him down but I'm sure he doesn't want you to suffer in silence either. He'll pick up you aren't happy and he'll wonder if it's something he or the kids have done and I am sure you don't wish for him to feel that way. I am sure he'll try his best to be understanding.

Oh and apologies for waffling on a bit up there ^.

As you can probably tell, I talk waaay too much.

Hi whilst I am a great believer in medication and counselling I also think if there are things that are not helping or causing issues it is worth looking at practicalities also. You say you have no friends and do not go to groups so why not ask your health visitor to see you and tell her what you posted here. She may be able to signpost you to free groups at your local sure start, or other things in your area.

I really struggled when my ds was born and knew no one in this area. I went to a baby massage group at my sure start centre and it took a lot for me to do that but becaus it was a course and not free chat the structure helped. Then I realised normal mum and toddler groups were not for me but I liked structure so found some taught sessions that charged and went to them. Gradually I met the same mums and now can chat and have had 2 play dates - so slow but helps. Te library is a good place to go and they often do free story times again. I imagine the counselling or cbt would get you to make changes as talking in itself is not a,ways a magic cure but being committed to do something to improve things for yourself. I am sure there are better ideas but just sharing what has helped me in my anxiety, shyness and struggles. I had 6 counselling sessions and what I really took from it was the phrase " if you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always got" and was challenged to do something about it. It takes time and no one could do it for me but each step has increased my self esteem and reduced anxiety in a way medication could not do. I needed meds at my worst time but things like my mum and toddler yoga are much better for me I now know.