Studying and mental health

[Katkins1]

Hi all,

I wanted to ask for some opinions, if I can please. I'm a young single mum, 1 DD who is 5. I've been on my own with her for a quite a long time, she's a lovely little girl, never have any issues with her or looking after her or anything like that.

I'm at University, going in to my third year in September, studying a subject that I love, and by some miracle, if I drop a low grade from last semester from my average (we are allowed) then I'm on a first. I do work really, really hard,though. Not naturally gifted academically at all.

Anyway, last semester I had the symptons of PTSD (checked out with my GP), because of some abuse stuff and family things from the past. My Daughter turned the age that I was when I was abused, and that was really hard for me. There were also triggers in the course material, and i think, just about everywhere.

I've got quite a long history of self-harm, depression and suicide attempts. That was a long time ago, though, I've not done anything like that for several years (I think, coming up six now). I've had issue with drinking in the past, too, but sober for the same six years. Since I had my DD, my life has been so much better because I want things to be better for her.. I never had a 'normal' life, and I want her to have one.

With the PTSD I get flashbacks, and these can make me feel suicidal, and I got some really low marks last semester because of it (well, not awful, 2.1s, but a huge drop in my standards and I was annoyed because I made silly mistakes). My tutors were brilliant (I mean.. fantastic), but I'm scared of going back in September. I fell out with people (who I've explained things to and said sorry to). I was just such a twat, because I couldn't function properly.

I have a counselor, and he has helped me through things, but I'm terrified that the pressure will make me ill again and there will be nothing that I can do stop it. I already feel quite isolated, and as though people at uni hate me for a variety of reasons, as well as quite inferior as a Mother.

I have started a load of work on my dissertation already- because I want to get ahead, but I can't help think that I might get ill again, and that it will be too much.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Its fantastic that you love your course and really enjoy studying the material. Are you able to identify the course materials coming up this year that may trigger the flashbacks and perhaps in some way prepare for this e.g speaking to your tutors/counselor?

I don't know how big your class is, but if the people you fell out with are half decent people they will just avoid you if they don't want to be friends anymore as such. There may be other people you have not spoken to who may be nicer and make better friends for you. Maybe asking to change tutorial groups (if you have them) so getting to know a new set of people may help you to make new friends.

You do seem to have a lot of insight into your condition, and you seem to know you are being unrealistic re your grades. Life will never be perfect. Bad things happen and life is not under our control, however much we want it to be. It sounds like you deserve a first and are on line to get one, but it is NOT worth your health if you feel you are getting stressed and suicidal. My mother died in my senior honors year following a long illness where I nursed her, and my tutors wanted me to repeat my final year in order to get a first. I didn't and got a 2.1 which I was very happy with - and it never hindered me in my career. In fact I got an international scholarship for a Masters based on my 2.1 and previous grades. A first is not the be all and end all, though I can understand wanting to prove to the world you are as good as everyone else having had a bad start in life. However, you don't need to prove anything to anyone else - the fact is most people are only interested in themselves and don't give a damm about anyone else and won't notice your first. I can also understand wanting to prove it to yourself. I know it is cliched but you need to learn to love yourself whether you get a first or a third. You are a wonderful, intelligent person who deserves the very best in life. I think you will get your first, I just hope you can learn to be less of a perfectionist and enjoy the journey there :)

Hi,

So sorry to hear about your Mum. Thank you for your kind words. I think mature students do sometimes struggle with the age gap (I'm 26- the others are 21 at the oldest) and different lifestyle choices. To be honest with you, I'm doing a subject in the Arts, so we do have a lot of personalities! You sort of need to be because my subject area requires it of you, it's really hard work and you have to call on everything that you have sometimes. The hours are long, too, so sometimes I find myself doing 14 hour days.

I can't swap tutorial group, as there's only one in my subject area, and one set of classes for each module. It's a very small group. Some of them I don't think that I want to be friends with now, after some of the attitudes that they expressed last year toward mental health and single mothers and everything else. They seem to have had a very different life to me, and while I don't resent that all, I get so annoyed at wasting time and opportunities- even though I shouldn't! That said, some of them are friends and I think it's more how I feel about myself if you see what I mean.

A first isn't the be all and end all- but when I'm well I can get near or above 80% for my work, so I want to stay that way if you see what I mean. If I have got it before (in three out of eight modules, the rest at first and high 2.1), then I'd like to do it, because... well, because I can. My dissertation proposal is due in October, and although I'm on the way and have done a lot of reading for it already, I'm worried that I won't quite make it because of my confidence and self-worth. I don't know if that makes any sense at all!

I think what you're saying shows that you are self aware and very able.

I too have had similar struggles, am a mature student who's just finished my first year clinging on to my sanity by my finger tips.

The main thing which helped me was going weekly (Esp. when I didn't feel like it) To a therapist, I learned ways to take extremely good care of myself which is what you need to learn and acknowledge that you as an individual are ENOUGH regardless of your achievements.

I would book-end tasks I needed to carry out with friends (ring them and say I will have done 400 words by this time, I'll call you at nine to tell you how I'm getting on'..

This worked because I don't have the self worth to do it for myself but if someone is bearing witness my pride forces me to do it.

As it is, I realise I have many defects of character which hold me back but working with therapy helped me to transform these defects and move through without totally loosing it.

I wish you every success and I hope my sharing of exp. will help you

Thank you! Are you doing undergrad or post grad? I think I'm an undergrad, so everyone is sort of "don't sweat it", but it matters to me, you know? Plus, I have to pay all of that lovely loan back. I have been taking more breaks and making a time table of tasks, then if I end up not sticking to it, making up the time with it some way. I've been told that third year is really very hard, and I'm trying to get on top of it, but I can't seem to focus as it's the Summer holidays and working in between looking after the little one, mountains of housework and everything else really isn't helping me right now!

I feel that I have done a lot, and set my mind thinking (which is really important at this stage), maybe I'm just being a perfectionist with it already!

I would enjoy your little girl and the last few weeks you have left of holiday and maybe do a bit of your thesis - but only for FUN! I did vet med in a class that was mainly early 20's - I was late 30's. Everyone came from very rich backgrounds except for me and I had to drop out of my degree eventually due to financial worries. My friends had summer holidays that cost my entire years living expenses!!!!!! I think they thought the holes in my shoes and clothes were some sort of style statement and not poverty! So I know how it is to be the odd one out :)

Just because everyone else finds 3rd year hard it doesn't mean you will. You are obviously very capable and a good student. You need to work smart more and if you work hard on top of that you will get your 1st with ease. I don't know how arts degrees are. Are your exams all written essays, multiple choice or do you have oral exams? The main thing for any exam is to identify the main points you have to know to pass. That means you will pass no matter what and should give you confidence. You can then build detail upon this to show extensive reading/knowledge on the subject. This is the way I always worked my exams and it never failed for me, though everyone is different :)

I know it can be hard to have confidence, particularly if you do not have a really good support structure of friends and family. I would concentrate on those people you know are solid, nice people. And also as farthingwood says - if you could see a therapist regularly that would be fab. Its excellent advice, though it can be hard on the NHS I think.

Arts degrees are mainly coursework- there's a performance exam , too. Mainly it's coursework though. We make stuff and write essays on it, theory and process. The dissertation is a 10,000 word extended study over the year- that's the one that worries me most.

I know what you mean about the holidays and stuff. I know I shouldn't, but I do feel a bit 'left out' because the others have had a holiday (some of them two), and some of them are even going away in Jan with the uni. I dress like a scruff, but my clothes are a style statement though :D. Well, they are more to do with having to leave the house at 7am to get there on time, but you know.

The finance aspect of it is awful; its such a worry. I want to do a master's next year, so that's even more! If I get a good degree, though, I'd hope for a scholarship because they are available in the arts.

I don't have much support, but I do have a couple of good friends who are helping loads. I have a good counsellor too (private). I am spending some time relaxing and reading, and sleeping before all of the work kicks in, because I expect that it will be really hard when it does!