How to get motivated when you constantly fail?

[SkinnedAlive]

I have been depressed most of my life and have little self confidence, though outwardly I am very confident. I recently was being bullied in my minimum wage job where I was basicly a slave skivvy . I was getting more and more depressed and was in a lot of physical pain so I quit. I know I will get no benefits and since it was so badly paid, I could save very little. Whilst in this job, over 6 months I did more than 500 applications for new jobs - no reply/rejected for them all except 1. Interview went great but the 2 people I would be working for said I was way over qualified and they would be a little uncomfortable working with me as I was far better qualified than them, and they thought I would be bored and leave very quickly. I used to have a very good career which although well paid was not fulfilling, and as I was very depressed at the time, on redundancy I tried to retrain. I loved my new career - it was everything I have ever wanted in a job, but I could not finish my degree due to the recession. I have been too long away from my first career and can't get back into it, even in starter positions.

My problem is I really don't care. I can't stand the thought of spending all day every day doing applications, taking care over amending my CV, covering letter etc and just getting rejection after rejection. I KNOW I HAVE to get a job in the next few weeks or I will starve, but I can't motivate myself. I also can't stand the thought of working for minimum wage in a job I hate for the next 30 years which seems all I am good for now. If I am honest, I am planning to kill myself when my savings run out. I don't want to hurt my friends or my cats, but I feel life is genuinely hopeless and I just can't take the constant rejection. I have had CBT before which was very helpful, and I keep telling myself this time maybe I will get a job, but I know I am lying to myself. My skills are out of date with so many fantastic people looking for work, and with no money I can't do any courses to update them. I see no hope for the future, just poverty and drudgery. I don't know how to get motivated again. Giving in seems so much easier. I have tried and tried and tried and nothing works for me :(

Oh honey, I really can feel the pain you are feeling inside. I can see it all feels pointless at the moment. I do understand these emotions as I too suffer long term depression, often for no reason at all. I know that probably everything I say will not feel right, but ill try anyway. Of CBT worked for you before can you get your GP to get you some fast? There are online cbt courses like moodgym and others which might help a little, although I know it is very hard to motivate yourself to begin these things. This last week I've not even been able to face unloading the dishwasher!

Please don't think about killing yourself. If you really are that low, please go to your GP do they can refer you to the crisis team or something similar. They are there to help you get back to where you want/need to be, to some degree. Do you take antidepressants? Perhaps this could be a starting point to feeling a bit stronger so that motivation isn't so difficult and 'wanting' to get better and getting back into a decent job is more of a reality?

Please keep talking to us here. Don't be alone. I know how isolating depression is. It's awful. Just know we are here and want to help if we can.

Xx

Thank you so much for your reply :) Yes, I am on anti-depressants. I was on sertraline but that had no effect other than making me very neasus (sp?) so I have switched to mirtazapine. I will see how that goes. It is one of the few I have not tried in my lifetime. I have told my GP I have suicidal thoughts and she is very nice. I see her every 2 weeks. She did refer me to a psyciatrist and this is pathetic I know, but I got kind of a snotty letter saying I had x days to respond and book an appointment (it was 2 days by the time it arrived). The clinic was far away and hard to get to by public transport and I have a fear of phones so I could not get up the motivation to phone within the required time. I will fess up next time I see the Dr.

I know how you feel about the dishwasher - I can't remember last time I washed my hair or showered. Probably last time I saw my GP. All of my family are dead and I have no face to face friends. I have lovely internet friends but I worry I am such a bad friend at the moment. When I lost everything you would be amazed at how many of my friends disappeared. The ones that are left, and some new ones are fantastic though and I don't want to let anyone down. So many people want to see me get better and for everything to turn out ok in my life, but I just don't see it ever happening :( I have tried so hard and I just feel like all the stuffing is knocked out of me. I have so little time left to get organised and another job, and I know I'm in denial about it all. I just feel that these desperate last ditch attempts at job applications - once they are done there is no-where else to go. So I don't want to keep trying if that makes sense. Or I keep saying one more day to myself before I start. I did do three this morning so you never know.

Hi hun,
I haven't heard of that a/d. Is it helping do you think? Or have you only just started taking it. I have been where you are in terms of not being able to make contact with psychiatrist, I remember the receptionist sounded so scary on an answer message I felt too scared to phone back. Can one of your friends ring up for you? Or maybe the GP could do more?
I can see that no work, meaning money running out is a real worry for you and must feel quite scary. I am sure the doctor could support you in terms of getting benefits to keep food on the table and rent paid, after all you are pretty unwell. You definitely shouldn't be suffering alone. Your GP could contact community mental health for you if she hasn't already or if you really want to kill yourself, please go to a&e instead. You CAN get better even if it doesn't feel like it to you right now.

I'm so sorry your family are not around anymore. It can be so lonely without family. I am lucky enough to have a husband a little boy, but I have no family either and I often feel so alone. I don't think people realise how lonely it can feel without family sometimes.
Take care honey and if you can reach out to your GP on Monday and ask for a letter of support so you can get benefits, please do this. This will give you some breathing space, take off the pressure of finding work.

Big hugs xx

Most people can't contemplate what it is to have no family. Its great you have a gorgeous little boy and a husband :)

I felt a bit better today. I managed to get out of bed and was able to concentrate and read a little. I am lukcy there is a great library in town. If I can I will sell my granny's wedding ring and a few odds and ends of jewellery my mum gave me for my 18th birthday. I have nothing else to sell other than the laptop which I will keep.

I'm glad you felt a bit better, enough to get out if bed. One small step at a time x

How are you doing? X

I felt a bit better yesterday, but more rejections in my inbox today. It took me 8 years to qualify for my profession and I had over 10 years experience. I feel like its all for nothing. I will end my life either in a minimum wage job I hate that makes me depressed, or never able to work again. That is my big fear. I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand applying for more jobs but if I don't I will starve. I just want to lie down and die :( I won't I know I have to keep goig for my cats no matter what.

Can't you go back into the profession you trained 8 years for? Sounds like it might be good for you?
Hope you're having an ok day. X