Would I be better off becoming a SAHM after DC#2 is born?

[FrogsGoWhat]

Back history:
Undiagnosed depression during teens (goodness knows why it was undiagnosed as my school reports always mentioned it, but my parents were too wrapped up in their own problems)

Anorexia from age 18-25 ish.
Diagnosed depression age 19+
Self harm age 20-35
Bulimia (extreme bulimia - throwing up 20 times a day) - from 25ish - 32 ish
About 6 episodes of severe depression (suicide attempts and idealisation etc, intrusive thoughts) from age 19-37
Post natal anxiety age 38
Now just anxiety (but random stuff - can be convinced I knocked a cyclist off their bike that I drove past. Work stuff - convinced I've poisoned pupils, not doing a good job. Always worried about cancer, food poisoning etc. Find it very difficult to drive to new places etc)

I have rarely missed work as that is part of my anxiety/perfectionism "thing" even after suicide attempts.

I'm sooooo much better in the school holidays when I don't have to force myself to drive anywhere, or put an amazing face on things for colleagues and students (my 2 year old DD is happy if I just read "Zog" a million times a day and take her to the swings :) )

So - would I get disability allowance if my anxiety/depression was so bad after DC#2 that it did not allow me to return to work? (It was incredibly bad after DC1 and is not getting better) - or should I just face the music and dance?

Hi benefits have recently changed and are apparently much harder to get. I guess if you are capable of being a SAHM without benefits it might be worth a try for your well being. Bt does going o work give you value, a purpose and good things? Could you ask work for part time hours?

I guess if you give up work voluntarily and then claim disability benefits it would less likely to be successful than if your job said you were unfit to work. S could you go through your OH and get signed off with mental illness of you want a chance of the new style DLA? Also if you will be caring for a child by yourself the system may well say that you are capable of working so perhaps if you had to out your children in care as you are too unwell to work that would strengthen a claim. Have you been in patient in hospital, that would help?

There is ESA if work declares you mentally unfit to work but I imagine the system is not set up for people to claim benefits if they want to be a SAHM instead. S depends how you leave work?

I had to go down to part time hours as I was not classed as fit to work full time due to my absence rate. Part time suits me. Money, pension payments, sense of purpose but time to be at home and in theory rest ( not with a child!). I do not qualify if any disability benefits with a history either. And if you are currently working perhaps your maternity pay will help you review. Only have to go back to work for 13 weeks to keep all maternity money and you can be back but signed off ill in those weeks.

I wouldnt need the benefits - we could afford me to be a SAHM by being frugal, but a little extra money would help IYSWIM?

I'm already as part time as they will allow - 50% timetable, but it still means being in work almost full days 4 days a week due to timetable constraints, and my day off is different alternate weeks due to a 2 week timetable - which makes childcare very expensive...

Have been in-patient twice.

Yes I do enjoy the actual teaching and it gives me a sense of purpose - but all the other stuff - never getting high enough grades for management, all the box ticking etc is a huge amount of stress and ruins my self-esteem.

Thanks for your response though. Yes I have maternity leave to think things over.

I do feel I'm being driven out of my department to a certain extent - my style of teaching isn't what they want - but when they look at my students' progress it is very good.

-Not the best (we have two teachers in my department who spend up to 12 hours a day, 6 days a week planning amazing lessons - and getting excellent results - but not feasible with a life and family!), but better than average for my school.

You never know. You could ask for 3 days a week or perhaps they would give you same day off each week on your return as guess a maternity cover person would not be willing to do such days which may help?

Or would you consider applying for part-time work in other places and request to be in no more than 3 days. Maybe after maternity leave a new job may be an alternative? Some places may offer a job share even which would be less days in the place which might suit? I do not do your job but had to go part-time for health reasons and I took a job share to ensure I was only in work half the week or less and that has worked for me.

Exam marking would be extra if you a SAHM maybe, I have friends that do that.

Oh get those teachers to share their work with the rest of their department then to reduce everyone's work!!

I think you need to separate out your ongoing my issues from how you feel about work, while still recognising the impact that stress has on your mh. I realise I sound like I am contradicting myself here but recognise that in your.illness you have maintained a professional career, presumably had/have a romantic relationship and have had children. These are all huge positives about your ability to cope. Now perhaps the time has come to live a different slower pace of life and that's okay too. I have had similar in some ways though not the same. Severe depression in teens steadfastly ignored by parents, ocd etc etc but not as severe once I left home, had a lot of on going therapy which helped.

Now an NHS professional but the pressured culture of more for less doesn't suit me and I had severe ocd throughout and after both pregnancies, much worse after dc2 which I kind of know now was my mind saying you are not leading the life you need to if you want to be a better parent to your children than your parents are to you. I know for a while there was a seduction in using the illness to get out of going back to work, though I would never have admitted it, even to myself. I did use it to stop me completing an MSc too. The thing is I have.learned that I need to change my expectations and behaviour around work much more than I need my work circumstances to change so I am going back in Sept to try once more to live a working life with strict boundaries. It's early days for you but mindfulness and intensive weekly cbt for a year have helped. Focus on getting an uber plan in place to stay well after this baby and on going therapy and worry about work later.

Very thoughtful post working - thank you and good luck for September.

I've discussed with DP and when the time comes to go back - if they can give me 2 days off a week (one of which to be the same both weeks) then I'll return, if they can't do that then I'll take a break from teaching for a few years. I suppose at the least it will show how much the school wants me back and values me!

Or find a different school that can give you those hours!! I work part time with a baby and am in awe of anyone who works full time and has children and that is with no issues!! It is tough and your job does not end at end of a working day so like working says, putting your own boundaries in and changing your expectations sounds helpful.