Why do I hate myself so much?

[GracieLoo]

I know, I'm sorry, another thread! I'm just all over the place. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing, what's going on or how I'm supposed to be feeling.

I hate myself, I feel everyone hates me. My friend just came round for dinner, but I talked too much, kept coming out with random things and when she left, I just thought she's thinking I'm a nutcase.

I know I think too much, but these thoughts take over. I just want to hurt myself. I want to do things to punish myself. I don't want to do all the things I have planned this weekend but I can't let people down.

I haven't slept well for a few weeks, I'm so, so tired but can't sleep. I've asked for a new cpn and feel really guilty about it. Saw my HV this week and feel I've annoyed her.

I can't do this. Want to vent, and not sure I want to read the responses of this post as I'm scared of people telling me to sort myself out, or I should be better now. I'm obviously failing badly.

Hi, I am sorry you are feeling so negative about yourself. For what it is worth I often feel like that about myself and it is sometimes because I do not hear positives or need positive affirmation. Your friend might have thought you were chatty but how lovely you had her over.

Is there anything that is making you think you are annoying people.. Such as your HV, friend or Cpn. Have they said anything or is it more about your feeling?

I think I've annoyed someone by the way they talk to me, or their attitude? But it probably is me being over sensitive. Although I have probably upset my cpn as she knows i've spoken to her manager to say I don't work well with her, and she was quite defensive when I last saw her.

I slept better last night but woke up feeling like i've completely lost the plot. The walls and ceiling were swirling all over the place, looked smoky and a picture on the wall was twitching. I feel slow when walking and just feel strange!

Got a busy weekend and i'm scared about getting through it.

It is always hard to know if it is us being sensitive, someone having a bad day themselves or if they are upset or annoyed.

Will you get a new Cpn then? If you not got on with this one can you tell her manager what you want out of a new one so they get a better mix, or is the CMHT saying you have to learn to work with this one? I had 1 Cpn and one sw say they could not work with me and get rid of me, so had no care co-ordination as apparently the problem was me!! Mmm.... So I guess I have a low opinion of CMHT's generally!!

A busy weekend, sounds better maybe than a very quiet one with nothing on? If not hope you have the rest you need on Monday.

I would quite like to be discharged from the cmht, I'm fed up with them, but I don't think I'd be allowed. I've had two previous cpn's who I got on with, and I get on with other professionals, but I still feel like I'm in the wrong.

I'm not coping too well this weekend, I'm really finding everything tough. I would do anything to hide away in bed.

Hi GracieLoo
Why do you hate yourself? are you doing anything for yourself to like yourself a little more? any hobbies?
I think you have a dd? how are you managing? are you able to go to bed and have a rest? what is stopping you?
sorry for all of the questions and that you are struggling. You are truly not alone..

Halfway through the weekend. Well that is how I am viewing my weekend ( and am in bed now, yippee!!). Horrid for you that it is so tough.

Yes, can you build into your week something's for you. I struggle to find time for me too with a young child, but when I read the junky magazine early in bed and just breathe for example I feel much more human ( -and the ironing can wait!!). I have joined a local yoga class to give me some me time and to try to help me, could you find one thing you like to do and do it?

With a CMHT you can be discharged but if any counselling is through them you can lose access to that too. I would not recommend my way to discharge which was to be sacked by two workers for being untreatable and unworkable!! T be honest I think many people see CMHT's as a way to recovery and for me I found really all the could offer me was: ,risk assessment, and monitoring. I found I had to do it myself and found that once I did not rely on a so called professional that always was late, cancelled or off ill then for me it was better. But that is my own opinion and only my own. I think perhaps of you had different expectations of your Cpn ( not to be like a previous good one) but someone to risk assess, go with you to any psychiatric assessments if you have any and to talk to about medication issues and refer you to crisis if you get worse then maybe it would help?

Sorry am thinking out loud. You do not have to like her. And perhaps you can ask to see her less often say once a fortnight? I found by the time mine was on holiday, off ill or on training then my weekly sessions were only ever once very two weeks anyway!!

Sorry I've read the replies and am so grateful, just can't think clearly to reply right now.

All I'm thinking about is I don't want to be here anymore. I really can't think of anything else. It feels right yet I know it's wrong, if that makes sense. I can't seem to control my thoughts, just about controlling my actions, but only until the time is right.

I know I'm heading to a bad place, I've been down this route before. I don't know if I should see how it goes, or say I need help now. When I was in crisis before I was offered proper support, I didn't accept but should have done as it didn't end well. However I wasn't in the best frame of mind to make decisions, and I don't think I am now.

I just feel strong urges. I don't see how people will really miss me, I feel it's for the best. I know people always say that, but this is too hard, too much of a struggle for everyone involved. Sorry about all this.

Hi GracieLoo
I really feel for you as you have felt like this on and off for some time now :-(
You have your child and she would miss you, you know that and having her Im sure keeps you going.
What help/support are you getting at the moment?
If you cant control your thoughts are you able to get any respite at all via distraction? watching a film/going for walk?
I really hope you are ok. keep posting, we are here for you..

Hi Gracie, you really need to make sure you urgently tell your GP or CPN about these feelings, you will absolutely not be annoying them. Would you think about phoning the Samaritans in the meantime?

I promise you're not alone in feeling this way, hang in there. You have a lot to live for and there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's just hard to believe it now. [hugs]

www.samaritans.org/

www.samaritans.org/

Distraction is just not working these last few days. The thoughts are there all the time. I can't cope. I am due to start long term therapy, I don't know if I can do it. I just want to give up.

I know I should talk to someone, but scared of nothing happening, but also I don't know if I want to be stopped. I don't understand what's going on in my head. Nothing has changed really, just small stupid things that I should be able to handle. I can't live like this, struggling and the smallest things tipping me over the edge.

Hi if you feel having a bit of time before start therapy then do tell them if that is adding to your anxiety. And try not to worry, when they say long term it means more than the standard 6 sessions, it is not forever and if it does not work for you then you can tell them and reassess.

Can you ask your Cpn to get you a medication review with a psychiatrist of your go, whoever does medication so you can tell them you are struggling and your medications are not helping.

Today I've tried to reach out, but found it a bit hard to be totally honest. Spoke to a worker at the children's centre, my cpn and HV. Was able to be more honest with the HV but it's the cpn I really need to talk to. I said I was struggling so she's seeing me on Friday, but she never gives me much opportunity to go into detail about how I'm feeling.

I'm feeling a bit lost and confused. I feel I'm really calm and composed on the outside, and completely messed up and losing it in the inside.

I've increased meds recently, tried loads of different AD's and dosages. But my diagnosis means that meds don't really work anyway, so what's the point? Everything I read about bpd, it says how hard we are to treat. Doesn't give me much hope.

Great you were able to try to talk to those people. Were they able to offer any practical suggestions as sometimes just listening is not enough. Hope Friday's appointment helpful. Would it help you if you wrote down what you want to say to your Cpn and hand it over at the start. I did that once and it really helped the session. You could write what the problem is and what you want her to o or what help you need?

I was suggested to try an antipsychotic and it really helped calm my head, quetiapiane. Not licensed for bpd but can be used and can help some people.

I saw my cpn, been told I'm getting a new care coordinator. I'm glad as my cpn is quite cold, I told her how this week has been hard but she's useless.

I was honest with her but she didn't do a lot. I phoned my HV to tell her the changes, as she knows me well she knows I'm not good, and I could tell she was worrying, so I lied! I've also lied to friends today who are trying to help! I don't know why I do this, I don't like the panic when I'm honest. I said I had no alcohol, extra meds and that I wasn't going to be alone tonight.

How can I expect help if I'm too scared to be honest. I don't deserve the help. Maybe this is my way of punishing myself.

I feel in a really dark place but keep putting on a mask, because I'm scared!

Hi am glad the manager has listened to you and given you a new Cpn. When will you get her. Could you start by telling the new Cpn what you expect from her and how you like them to work with you so they can get to know you quickly then get to know you.

It is ok to lie as it is up to you what you said today. Does not mean you are not struggling, but that is ok too. Can you think what you can do to help yourself? Do you have nice plans with dd to look forward to?