Is this a normal part of motherhood? Anxiety.

[CoffeeOne]

I've typed this out a few times and deleted it. Part of me feels like I should have done something months ago, part of me feels very silly and everyone feels this way.

Since the very day my son was born my emotions became instantly overwhelming. I've never been an anxious or depressed person. I had a period of self harm in a bad relationship but it was a situational coping mechanism that was never repeated. I was always quite 'soft' but never really tearful. I would go months without crying.

DS is 17 months old and he is an absolute joy. He was very much wanted and is very much loved. My DH is wonderful and supportive. And I think that's sort of the problem. All of a sudden I had everything I'd ever wanted and now I'm terrified of it being taken from me.

I lay awake at night imagining horrific scenarios and how I would deal with them. I cry myself to sleep whilst my boys are happily dreaming away. I'm suddenly terrified of driving. I'm scared of other people caring for my son. I imagine terrible things like house fires and diseases and kidnappings but also normal stuff like bullying that chokes me up and I can't breathe. I can't read the news anymore without crying and having nightmares. I cry at adverts. I cry at books. I cry at sad stories about someone's mother's cousin's grandchild. I feel like this all the time and I don't want to. I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the worst to happen.

Life is raw and painful. Every day. Is this just motherhood?

No it's not what motherhood is or should be, although I do know some people for whom it may be like this based upon the things I know they stress about.

When my first DS was v small I remember having feelings like you describe. I managed to get beyond feeling so anxious by turning the anxiety on it's head and saying to myself: "If something terrible does happens to DS, then I have had all the days leading up to today with him and I must see these days as having been bonuses." Which might seem silly but it did help.

Having said that I did have a blub this weekend when I stumbled across a beautiful photo of Diana cuddling a toddler Prince Harry on the web. It made me feel terribly worried about not being there to see my children grow up. I felt both silly and a bit overwhelmed at the same time.

I am sure someone better placed to advise you will be along soon, but I just wanted to share my experiences.

No it's not just motherhood but I have a friend who described almost word for word what your going through to me the other day - particularly the bad things happening to DCs.

Also I've been very strange since having DCs - horrific, horrific anxiety (or at least that's what I'm told it is) and lots of feelings about life being cruel etc.

You're not alone. From reading up I think I have a postnatal mood disorder and generalised anxiety disorder with elements of depression and OCD! Basically a big shit mix of stuff. GPs don't tend to be specific - they just call it PND I find.

I don't have an answer for you as I'm still very much trying to sort my own head out but just wanted to tell you there are lots of women like this. Have you been to the GPs? I have been offered ADs but I would be too anxious to take them and think it would be counter productive for me so I'm lined up for CBT which I've heard is fantastic (normal counselling didn't work for me).

I think the overwhelming emotions are normal, but perhaps not to the extent you describe. I get what you mean - when I first moved in with my now DH I thought similar things all the time, silly worries like that he might be run over on his way home from work. I think it was a reaction to the stark contrast of happiness vs the home I'd left behind. It gradually faded as I learned to enjoy the happiness and trust that it would still be there tomorrow. Now I'm experiencing similar with my 9wk old baby! Crying about him growing so fast and worrying that I haven't made the most of every minute.

It sounds like you're dwelling a lot with all the extreme scenarios running through your mind and that's maybe where it becomes something that it would be worth talking to your GP about.

Thank you so much for the replies.

I have spoken to a few friends with young children and they've all said they had similar feelings, but these passed with time. I've been waiting for it to pass and it just hasn't.

I'm scared of talking to my GP but I don't know why. I honestly can't explain what's holding me back.

LauGuerta I cried at that picture too!

Striped good luck with your CBT, I think I'd also prefer that to medication.

Crafty congrats on your baby boy! I hope these feelings pass soon for you.