waiting for a referral, wondering whats wrong with me

[xtinamummy27]

Hi After being treated by my GP for "depression" intermittently since i was 14 (now 28) I have finally come clean to him about the full extent of my many and varied issues. including self harm and suicidal thoughts and feelings and a couple of attempts, erratic behavior, uncontrollable rage and impulsiveness to name a few. He has referred me to cmht and seems to think I have bipolar. After doing my own research this diagnosis doesnt seem to fit, as my mood rarely remains the same for more than a few hours (a day at the most) but these episodes can last weeks or months in bipolar. I also dont really get good moods just feel more on edge or hyper alert and anxious. (I haven't slept properly for weeks) I also find it very difficult to be alone even for a few minutes and constantly fear being rejected or abandoned by the people i love, so I act out if I even suspect that they dont love me or could leave me. example: if DP says he is popping to the local shop and isnt back in 5min i will ring him, if he doesnt answer i will text him, if he doesnt answer then i will hound him with phonecalls and texts which get increasingly nasty the more anxious i become until he walks in the door and im so angry i can taste it (this whole process may have taken 15min) so angry that i even kick him out of the house packing his bags. However, withing minutes of him leaving, ill be obsessively texting and ringing him to come back and forgive me, then he comes back and im mad that he left (even though i told him to go). This is just one example of what I am like, I could go on but would prob end up writing a novel. I know I am a terrible person and i wouldnt be surprised if my children hate me when they grow up, it isnt fair that they have to see this. I do not know what will happen at my initial assessment or what will follow, i just wish i knew what the hell was wrong with me, or who the fuck i actually am!!! Does anyone else feel/act this way? what is your diagnosis? what is your experience of the nhs mental health care system? honestly dont know how iv managed to stay under the radar.

Its now 3:15 am and am fighting the urge to self harm

Hi xtinamummy27, I hope you're feeling a bit better today.
I used to feel a lot like that, but that was when I was with my ex and he was an emotional abuser.

It did carry on to my current relationship but with a clearer head I've been able to 'normalise' myself a lot more.
Deep down you know there's no need for the nasty texts and calls if he pops out, so next time you feel the urge could you try distracting yourself? Find something to do that keeps you busy or calms you.

With anxiety I have found it is a lot easier to cut off the anxious feelings at the start of them, rather than once they've got a good momentum. This obviously takes a bit of practise and your distractions will be unique to you, but it s worth trying.

As for experience of the NHS mental health care system....it's not great! If you've told your doctor about your suicidal thoughts then I should think you'll have been bumped up the waiting list. Good luck x

Thanx for the reply banana,
Managed to get through last night without doing anything but the urge is so strong sometimes that fighting it is exhausting
I wish this of obsessively ringing/texting my dp was the only problem, but it is the same with all my relationships, I cant cope with the thought of being abandoned or rejected in any way, if family members or friends are late or change plans i hate them for it even if its not their fault. being alone is my biggest fear as i can only base my identity on my proximity and interactions with others and im not completely sure i even exist on my own (its hard to explain.) I am also finding it very difficult to think about the consequences of things, today i signed up to a £30 a month phone contract, bought a new tv, and booked a holiday, all things i cant afford just to fill up this emptiness inside. The despair and pain I feel is unbearable, then i look at my beautiful children and think that I have no right to feel this way so that adds a big measure of shame and guilt to the mix. I have been on AD many times which have never helped and usually lead to me hoarding them and OD-ing later.
I just wish this referral would hurry up, I keep checking the post every morning but nothing yet. Might go back to my GP and see if he can get it rushed through (i did explain to him about the suicidal thoughts and he still referred me as "non-urgent" and told me if id managed to the age of 28 without killing myself then ill manage till i see the CMHT)
Got 2 hrs sleep last night, still feel totally wired and its nearly 2:00am so not sure ill sleep tonight either. Im quite agitated and twitchy but my anxiety is relatively low. I just want to be a good mother, its not fair for my kids to see me like this every day.