What am I doing?

[Messupmum]

I've messed up. I've cut my leg quite badly, still feel like doing more. Also taken a handful of tablets, just to harm myself a bit, but not enough for anyone to know.

but I don't understand why I do this, why do things feel so bad? I have thoughts that I can't control. Think about suicide a lot, too much, but obviously something stops me.

My leg is hurting a lot and i'm scared to look at it, but in a way it makes things better for a little bit. That sounds so weird, i'm not strange, no one I know would ever guess what goes on in my head.

so sorry you're feeling this way, do you have anyone with you right now?

I don't know if it helps any, but I was in the exact same situation a few months ago. Reading your post was like hearing my own thoughts, I don't think id even expressed it clearly to myself before. Especially the "just enough to hurt myself" bit, exactly what I've done. Made myself sick with paracetamol, lord knows why!

On the positive side, it forced me into finally finding a counsellor, working through cbt stuff. Actually did help, though I've always been sceptical. Also got a referral to a psychiatrist who can prescribe much more specific drugs than a gp. I feel pretty normal now and no more incidents like that.

Have you seen a doctor or a counsellor?

I've no one with me, although just spoken to a friend. Feel I want permission to do it, someone to say don't worry, everyone will be fine.

Starting to feel a bit out of it so going to try to sleep. Got the blade next to me, feel like a freak. I don't feel I'm really here in this world, everything is fuzzy and my ears are buzzing. What if I'm never going to get better. Tried therapy and meds.

You need to bin the blade, no good can come of you doing any more damage. Do you need medical attention, please get some if the cut needs it. It is never as scary as you think going to a&e for treatment. On the same note no overdose is safe, even little ones can do damage or build up in your system.

Why do you think tabletss and therapy havn't worked in the past? Would you ask for help again? This is no way to be.

Take care and be kind to yourself, chocolate always helps!

I've kind of stuck the cut together (sorry if tmi), I used to do this a lot, then stopped a bit, and for some reason using it to cope again. I kind of want the smaller od's to cause damage, then it would look accidental.

I was really open with my friend but didn't tell her I'd taken a few tablets as there's no point. A&E would do nothing, and I would get in big trouble.

My breathing and heart rate seems quite fast, may be anxiety, I feel very on edge like I'm waiting for something to happen or someone to turn up. Half of me doesn't want to wake up, and the other half is thinking what I've got planned next week.

Upping meds and starting more therapy but don't know what to expect.

How are you today?

Not sleeping well, which scares me and makes me feel even more unable to cope. I am so scared of what's going to happen, as I know I need to be honest with the professionals, but i'm scared and everything could go wrong.

It is important to be honest. What are you worried about?

I am on the brink, but I'm scared of losing control and ending up admitted and losing my dd.

Want to SH so bad. A friend is keeping my meds as I can't trust myself. I don't want to be looked at differently by family and friends. Can't work out if I'm seeing things or not, keep thinking I am but it's my mind playing tricks on me.

I wouldn't worry about being admitted. Services work hard to keep you at home and safe. It really is the very very last option. Seeking help just means they will help you. They don't take children away because you have a MH problem, they want your daughter to be with you AND for you to feel better, which is what you want as well. From my experiences with MH services the focus is very much on you taking responsibility for your recovery which can be hard but it is better than people fixing it for you.

The way I look at things is that whether I tell people or get help or not I still feel and do the things I do when I am not unwell, telling people doesn't make it worse. I have generally found asking for support helps take away some of the burden and people have always been very supportive and kind to me and they still treat me like me!

What medication do you take? Can you get your prescriptions reduced? I get weekly prescriptions at the moment which means I never have much medication in the house and it has helped.

Do you have a CPN or involvement with the CMHT?