I am a waste of space

[wasteofspace123]

I've just seen a thread in chat that I identified with so much but don't want to hijack so I'm starting one here instead.

I feel like I am a massive waste of space and my loved ones would be better off without me. I genuinely believe my toddler would be better off in full time nursery 5 days a week than with me. I walked out today and left her with DH to go for a drive to try to clear my head and neither of them seemed to notice or care that I was gone most of the afternoon. I've told DH that I feel suicidal and he thinks I am attention seeking and wouldn't have the bottle to go through with it, I told him I would run the hose from the exhaust of the car through the window and he seemed more put out that I was planning to cut up the hose than kill myself. He hasn't held me and told me it will all be okay, no physical contact at all but I suppose that's my fault for pushing him away for so long. He says he loves me but when I asked why he couldn't name one positive thing about my personality. I am a nasty, snappy bitch to both him and my DC. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

You are not a waste of space. Your toddler loves you and needs you.

Please call the Samaritans and please get some help. For the sake of your toddler who needs you everyday.

I'm not going to phone the samaritans because if my own husband doesn't seem to give a shit then why would a total stranger? I'm sure the samaritans are lovely but they can't genuinely care about each of their callers can they.

You sound distressed to me and feeling like this must feel unbearable but it can change. You sound unsupported too.

It's a good thing that you've put these feelings on here, and brave too. Can you say it to your GP in real life? Sustained feelings of worthlessness and despair is depression and that is a chemical imbalance in the brain and can be treated.

I don't like my GP, have recently changed practises and only seen one at my new practise for the registration appointment, I wouldn't be able to discuss this with him and I don't know what any of the other doctors are like.

Right well I'm going to give it to you straight here. Forgive me if I am blunt!

You have written you feel hopeless and despairing, suicidal and you feel your loved ones would be better off without you; you have written you wish you could go to sleep and never wake up. I am not a doctor or a mental health professional but these things say depression in large shouty fuck-off letters to me.

1. You can do something about the way you feel.

2. No-one else can sort it out, not least your husband. We are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness. He could be more supportive yes, but ultimately no-one can reach over and 'fix' it. You can help yourself on the path to feeling better though.

3. I have no idea what your husband thinks of you, but if you are ill with depression, neither do you. Depression makes it absolutely impossible to see beyond the negative thoughts and very difficult to see other people with objectivity. Likewise it's very hard to judge what would be best for your child if your perceptions are besieged with depressive thought patterns.

4. Feelings aren't facts and your feelings about yourself can change, ask for support from the GP to help you through this.

Can you write it down, would that make it easier to disclose to a GP? It doesn't have to be a GP, you could make an appointment with a nurse and say it to them.

It is hard when subsumed by feelings like this to be able to act positively on one's own behalf, but you can and ought to feel better than this and it can change. No-one should be feeling like this.

I'm sorry you're going through this. How long have you felt like this and do you know what started it off? You mention your toddler and that you feel like a nasty person for snapping at your family. Are you feeling overwhelmed with things at the moment?