Given that I'm awake for the 7th night in a row at 3am because anxiety attacks are stopping me from sleeping, now seems as good a time as any to jot down some of the things I'm overwhelmed with at the moment. I've just been talking to the Samaritans who suggested I write all of this down in order to review it, so I hope it's okay that I post it in here.
I became overwhelmed in my job earlier this year. I have struggled with depression since my teens and feelings of isolation. My job at the time involved dealing with the public and although I was praised by bosses and colleagues as being good at it, I didn't feel successful, as the only way I got everything done that was necessary was by working late nights and weekends (without the bosses knowing).
The long hours and underlying insecurity in myself were making my depression worse and in a moment of haste, I resigned, without a job to go to.
For the first three months after I left my job, basically, I think I had a nervous breakdown. I just stayed at home all day every day, doing nothing. No cleaning, the absolute bare minimum of chores. Eg I would do laundry, but leave it on the clothes horse and just pick clothes off it as needed. Washing up left piled up, plates picked out and washed under the tap as required.
Even full bags of rubbish were left as long as possible before being put out.
During this time, I also put on about a stone in weight from overeating (emotional eating being something I also struggle with).
This lovely state of affairs continued and developed, to the point that I stopped contacting the few friends I have, because they would ask to meet up and I was ashamed to be seen in the state I was in.
Suffice to say, I did nothing in this time to find a new job.
Anyway, something cracked a couple of months ago, I got really angry at myself for giving up and allowing the depression to take control. I started making a to-do list of everything I wanted to achieve, similar to the Spoons thing I've seen on threads on here. I also joined a couple of threads on here ref. weight loss and managed to start losing some of the weight I'd gained. I reviewed my CV and contacted some job agencies.
For the last couple of months, I've been trying really hard to find a job. I've contacted 34 job agencies and once a week, telephone them all to remind them I'm still looking for work. I've revised my CV twice. To date, I've only been put forward for 3 jobs by agencies and I've not yet had a single interview. I've tried going for admin roles, but agencies are telling me I'm overqualified and employers will see that I'm just looking for a stopgap job, so I'm not being put forward.
I have a month's worth of savings left. I have no partner and no family to support me when the savings run out. I am terrified that I'm going to be unable to pay my mortgage and other debts and am going to end up homeless. The shame of my situation is starting to push me back into my routine from earlier this year, because I'm unable to sleep due to panic attacks, so I'm not waking until 11 and am still exhausted when I wake, so don't get anything done.
And every night for the past week, at 3am when I can't sleep and have suicidal thoughts bouncing round my head, I decide that tomorrow's going to be the day that I start getting back into my to-do routine. I'm determined that tomorrow is going to be that day, even if I feel like crap from a lack of sleep.
If nothing else, I need to address the money situation, because that's the latest catalyst for the anxiety attacks, so I think I need to get the ball rolling on JSA and housing benefit allowances.
I'd be pleased to hear from anyone who's in the same boat ref. the vicious cycle, but please don't worry about reading and running or not making it to the end of this post. it just feels good to dispel some of these thoughts to paper, so to speak.