How do you tell people you are not ok?

[NotOK]

I'm not good at the moment, I don't know if this is the right place to put this message as I feel like a fraud but I am going to post anyway.

How do you tell people you are not OK? I don't know how to do it. I just smile and say I'm great, things are good etc I turn my bad days into jokes and any crisis into a comedy when I mention it to anybody.

I think I need to go to the GP but I don't know what to say, I feel stupid and false.

I don't cry, I'm not depressed but something seriously isn't right in my head at the moment. I feel like I'm going to explode and I want to walk away from my life - that's not right is it.

Really?

I never cry, sometimes (maybe often not sure) I feel numb but I never cry. I can't picture my future which I find really strange, I feel like I'm always on the edge of something. I can't imagine where I will be in 5-10 years time.

I've always thought of depression as being a particular thing iykwim. Unmotivated, unable to get up and do stuff, lonely, vacant, numb or bad tempered. I've not know anyone first had who has suffered depression as far as I'm aware.

Somebody once said to me that only my mouth smiles, I thought that was odd at the time, it was a long time ago now though. I do joke that I'm hollow.

NotOK - I feel that at several points in my life I could have written exactly the same as your first post - all that about feeling false or feeling silly when trying to tell GP. I have made many a GPs appointment about something minor hoping to be able to explain how I felt and then said nothing. Are we being very British? It is a mother thing - being expected to cope all the time? (after all, in our house its DH who has depression problems never me). I did find counselling quite liberating in this respect. (We went as a couple to Relate about other issues a few years ago).

Don't feel silly, I know its hard and after all who am I to preach when I couldn't even say anything to my GP? Could't you ask your GP for some advive/leaflets on councelling - you don't have to be visibly suffering to warrant needing help.

If you can't face your GP can you tell your HV? I told mine that some days I felt like just driving off a cliff (many years ago) and she was very supportive.

Thanks for all the replies, i should say that when I say I feel like I'm going to explode I don't really mean it in an angry way. I'm not short tempered or anything.

sorry I x-posted with some. I don't have a health visitor to speak to. I feel very weird about having even raised the subject here, a bit out of control already.

Is there anything that you have hidden that you're anxious about? It's just that your post about the future & being on the edge of something really resonated with me. I have an extreme dental phobia (see my thread about it if you want, under health) and I have managed to avoid/deny it for years & years, for so long that i have realised recently that all my other problems, my reasons for "not feeling right" and not trusting in the future etc, and anxiety problems, are all down to that phobia.

If there isn't anything, ignore my post! :) Or, maybe there is but you have to work out what, which counselling would help you with.

NotOK - Hollow is a good description for how I feel when depressed. I also feel like there is a black pit in my stomach that stops any emotion rising up. I can't cry, smile genuinely (although I also put my 'happy face' on) or feel pity for anyone else's problems. Well, actually, I do have a feeling for them, but their problems never seem as important IYKWIM. It's so hard to explain, and sounds so selfish when written down.

Anyway, I'm having CAT at the moment, and am at the stage where my counsellor is putting together my plan for the next 12 weeks. Hopefully it will help me deal with my depression triggers when they arise. It really does help having someone who doesn't know you to talk to. I find that I tell my counsellors (this one is the third ) things that I would never tell even dh who has known me for 18 years...

NotOK - re: feeling out of control - surely you are regaining some control over your life just by admitting you don't feel good and talking about it here?

Thanks for all the replies.

Dior, I think your first paragraph is how I feel at the moment. When you mentioned triggers to something did happen last week that bothered me although there's not one specific thing that is playing on my ming could that have been a trigger?

I have a MIND book on mental health (have had a few friends and relatives with various forms of depression) which describes symptoms of depression including

"...When people are depressed they tend to feel cut off from others, as if there was a barrier around them, and withdraw from social contact, thus further increasing their sense of isolation. They also experience difficulty in showing affection, even to people they are fond of..."

It also says how people are reluctant to get help from GP until really desperate. I would go to your GP if I were you, NotOK - but the book is called 'Not On Your Own' by Sally Burningham if thats of any use to you.

i went to my gp 2 weeks ago because i keep cleaning!!!!!!!!!!! i joked about it for a year to friends and family but knew something was not right "in my head" i just felt odd i knew i wasnt being myself but thought that if i went and told gp they would think i was stupid as dont cry all the time but just feel like screaming if i cant clean!! eventually went and told gp that i cleaned alot and she said i have an anxiety disorder brought on by depression and my release is cleaning, where other people may cry or get angry, i clean - as simple as that - i am now booked in for councelling, as anti depressants not needed at this stage i have told all my close friends and family and they have been fantastic they know something is wrong and now offer help or just phone to see if im alright rather than the other way round. my mum died when i was 20 weeks pregnant and gp feels that i didnt grieve for her as was pregnant!! PLEASE go to your gp even if its just for advice thats what they are there for and beleive me i feel sooooo much better for going and knowing im not mad just need a bit of TLC

That's interesting rainbow, i don't have a problem with cleaning but I am totally aware of how therapeutic I find it, and how I unconsciously use it as a distraction or something to work off nervous energy or something, so can understand how it would become an unhealthy way of coping. I used to be a bit of a slob previously too, but since having dd (and actually, my own place, which makes a huge difference too) I am very house proud!

I think I am going to try and arrange an appointment with my GP for next week as it is the earliest I can do.

I asked my other half if he thought I was depressed last night and he just said he thought that I think about things too much. He didn't laugh or say no though which really shocked me.

Go for it, NotOK. I'm sure that a GP appointment is a really important first step.

I have suffered from bouts of mild depression on and off since the birth of my ist child seven years ago. I have five children and have nearly always got some form of pnd. This last time I had a great birth experience and thought I was fine until about 3 months after the birth when, although i didn't feel what I would call depressed, I did feel permanently groggy and tired, just out of it and lethargic. I recognised this as a physical manifestation of depression ( not just of parenthood, an easy mistake to make!). Instead of going to the drs I thought I would try some natural mood lifters first. I tried some tablets calld 'mood food' which are a combination of natural seratonin boosters and vitamins. I must say they really work. They have kept me on a much more even keel. My sleep's improved and so have the physical symptoms. I recommend them

Thanks, I feel relly down today. I was fine until about lunchtime and my mood just dropped, I don't even know why. I am planning to go to gp but feel a bit apprehensive about it already. I guess I don't want to be told I'm depressed and I don't want to be told I'm not so it's going to be strange either way.

Notok - you mentioned in one post that you had been tested for glandular fever a few times - can I ask why?

Don't feel apprehensive. Depression is about chemical up -take in your body. It's nothing that you've done or not done. If you have a headache you take something to make the pain less, so you should take something to help you restore the chemical imbalance in your body

Poppies - I'm not sure really, i've been to the doctors a few time in the past because I've been feeling down and lathargic etc first time was when I was about 17 I think. I wonder now if it's always been a bit of depression.

Pops3 I guess you're right. Just feel like that'll be it.

The reason I ask is because I have had 3 phases in my life so far when I have been so ill, and the GP each time tested me for glandular fever and each time the test came back negative - as did all the other blood tests they did for me. My joints play up too (become stiff and very painful) and I just feel like crap the whole time - almost flu like and can hardly function - no fun with kids in tow. Each time the GP has popped me onto ADs (I took them as I would try anything if it might help) and each time within about 3 months the symptoms disappear. I do feel low each time I am ill but its more the physical feeling of illness IYSWIM.

two responses here:

NotOK - write down everything you feel, no matter how silly or insignificant you think it is, whether it is phyisical or emotional. When you go to the GP, either read it out or give the list to him/her. My mum did this after several useless trips to her GP, and he sat up and took notice. Also, you are much less likely to bottle it if you have it all written down in front of you. (BTW, Mum had over a side of A4 full of stuff. so whn I say write it all down I mean all !

Poppiesinaline - talk to your GP about Lupus (Systemic Lupus Erythmatosis (sp?)) - I'm no expert, but my uncle has it, and your symptoms sound like it is a possibility.

In the meantime, lots of hugs and positive thoughts to both of you.{{{{}}}}

mmm someone else said that to me but would ADs 'cure' it though. Once I stop the ADs I seem fine (apart from joints flarring up if I get a cold or get too tired)

sorry hijack over NotOk

I have booked an appointment for this afternoon. feel sick.