Alcoholic parent(s)

[aanon]

No need to reply to this, just a vent. Have re registered rather then name changed as couldn't work out how to do it on the app!

My DH and are are both early 40s, but together since teens. Ever since then we have been dealing with one or other of his alcoholic parents. They have been divorced since he was a child. His mother mainly drank because of abusive relationships but is now settled and sorted. Now his father has kicked off just 2 months after a long spell in rehab

I am sick of watching my poor DH dealing with the fallout. We have smallish children. His father is currently in our spare room attempting to sober up. Being unreasonable and generally obnoxious. I feel unsettled in my own home. Again.

How horrible for you. I'm so sorry you are in this difficult situation. It doesn't sound fair to you, your DH or your DCs. Does your DFil have somewhere else he could stay?

Thank you. Unfortunately DHs father has an (understandably!) shaky marriage and going home appears to be the trigger for drinking. DH has a sibling but they have no spare room and they also have young children, we are the last resort really.

Bloody hell. None of our friends (except ones that go waaay back) know about this. We are a 'naice' family....

God how tricky. I think it is a disease that does not discriminate, not that that makes it any easier. Keep ranting if you like. Sounds like you are a v. reasonable wife and daughter in law.

Thanks again. Maybe I should suggest a new topic, AIBTR? Am I being too reasonable?

Catchy

This might sound hard but could it be possible that by 'taking him in' you are in some way enabling his behaviour.
My believe if that most people with addictions only find the motivation to sort themselves out once they are either in danger of or have already lost things (loved ones, lifestyle, social standing etc) that are very important to them.
Some people need to go through rehab multiple times to reach a point of real change but again that does necessarily mean you android DH should by default have to take him in. If his marriage is a trigger then that is an area he needs to look at carefully prefably with outside help and support ( ie not family).
Good luck, it's hard I know but remember that maintaining an addiction is a life choice just as it a choice to step back from that and find ways to endure the painful realities of life without a crutch as most of us have to. Your FIl is an adult and perhaps it's time for him to make his own alternative arrangements forties he is off the wagon.

I agree Utterly.

Although DH is of the 'he's a grown up, let him get on with it' mentality, he won't see his father out on the street, which frankly would be the alternative as he has no means of supporting himself.

FIL brought the children up alone for some years when their mother left so I think maybe he feels some responsibility. Such a mess....

Have you been to al-anon?

No...FIL is back and forth to some kind of support group but we haven't contacted them. Might suggest to DH, thanks.

DH went when he was younger. Not sure if it's helpful for everyone and maybe covers the same ground as your DH's group.

He says the useful bit was the saying (you've probably heard it) that 'you didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it.'

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, it is a horrible illness.

So sorry you are going through this. I'm afraid I am also agree that by taking him in you are enabling his behaviour. My exH is an alcoholic and in and out of rehab. I supported him for a while but eventually I realised that I was enabling the cycle.

It takes time to realise, and I think loved ones need to be ready to take that step. Al-anon might be good for you all, not just your DH.

Sorry just realised it's your FiL going to a support group rather than your DH. Reckon you guys need support too!