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7 months and I still miss him

5 replies

mistressmiggins · 07/06/2006 22:11

do I miss him or am I scared of the future?

our kids are fine but I am just pretending during the day

i wish he was cold & distant - instead he is chatty & friendly - just living iwht another woman and doesnt seem to realise how hurt I am....he rang me today at work and want ed to pop in to see kids on his way home.....I wanted to him cos I hoped he'd changed his mind even though I know he hasnt.....

everyone tells me how awful he is to me and how I can manage but I feel so down when kids go to bed

its been 7 mths so why cant I be accepting and be thinking of moving on?
I am mature & adult regarding the kids but I am so hurt

OP posts:
IvortheEngine · 08/06/2006 00:20

I'm just off to bed but I didn't want to pass by your thread without posting. We haven't "spoken" before, I don't think, though I have followed your threads and admired you for getting through this tough time so well (imo - you may not agree!) I think your feelings are perfectly natural and part of a grieving process (for your marriage, I mean.) I'm sorry, I don't know if that helps at all. Do keep posting, though, we do understand. Hopefully others will be here in the morning to add their posts. Take care.

Notquitesotiredmum · 08/06/2006 09:58

I don't 'know' you but I have seen your posts before and wanted to send my best wishes to you and to say that I think that you are doing brilliantly. 7 months is no time at all, though in other ways it must seem like forever to you.

Of course you still miss him. For some people it takes a lot, lot longer than a few months to move on from a relationship that they expected to last a lifetime. And the fact that you miss him is a measure of how real your feelings for him were. You can't just make them disappear. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve. Look after yourself for a while longer yet, before expecting yourself to be able to get on with life. I strongly believe that the first year is very important in grieving. Once you have moved beyond that then the pain won't go away, but it can be a point where it starts to lessen.

And of course you are 'pretending' during the daytime. It is sooo difficult to face something like this with kiddies around, so that you don't have the luxury of being able to fall apart and express your emotions the way you might otherwise. It's important that you realise this, so that you can try to make time for yourself when the children aren't around, to express how you really feel. Have a friend over for a video and a bottle of wine and talk and talk and talk. You need to be honest about your feelings - if only on MN! It's what we are here for.

Finally, huge sympathy in having a chatty and friendly ex. My bf had to cope with exactly the same thing and he was sooooo insensitive. He'd moved on emotionally, though chose to live near to her with his new partner, and to make himself feel better, expected her to, too. If he was trampling over your garden in the same way that he is trampling over your feelings, you would tell him to tread more carefully, or simply to get off! The plants in your emotional garden are very newly planted and deserve a lot of careful treatment and tlc, not great hoofs marching over them.

Look after yourself, Honey, and take care of yourself. One day he will realise what a fool he has been. In the meantime, don't expect yourself to be cope all of the time. If you feel shite, then say so! Your kids will respect your honesty and will also respect the fact that you are holding things together for them.

sheepgomeep · 09/06/2006 22:02

It's so much bloody worse when they are friendly and chatty, its like ok he's buggered off now he want to rub your nose in it by being friendly to make himself feel better' oh look I'm getting on with my ex, arn't I being fantastic and grown up about it all'

What your ex dosen't realise that he's really really hurting you, making you feel like shit and preventing you from moving on and finding happiness.

seven months isn't really that long to get over someone, it took me fifteen months to get over my ex and he was like yours, friendly, amicable, spent ages chatting to me on the phone, except he took it further and started cheating on her with me again, playing us both off.

Is it possible maybe that you can tell him to keep his distance, not phone you at work and to keep all contact to a minimum, ie he dosen't linger over phonecalls or when he picks the kids up?

Thinking of you. you will move on one day, promise Smile

mistressmiggins · 09/06/2006 22:38

I think thats part of it - I feel guilty or less of a grownup by the fact that I cant be friendly like he is...which is rubbish

tonight I even said to him that I would make a picnic for him & kids on Father's day - then I thought "why cant HE make it & bring it with him?" absolutely no reason....so I have told him to bring the picnic.

The simile about the garden is brilliant and so true. I do feel we made progress after our first mediation session - he finally had to face up to the fact that I am behaving reasonably regarding children meeting HER, which helped me.

I have asked him not to phone this next week - we're off on holiday (in UK) for a week and I feel I need a break. I have agreed to phone mid-week so he can speak to kids. Lets face it - if we'd gone abroad or didnt get mobile phone coverage he couldnt contact us. Just want a break from 6pm waiting for his phone call and listening to a 2 yr old babbling to daddy, and a 4 yr old asking same questions daily

OP posts:
sanchpanch · 09/06/2006 22:50

hiya mistressmiggins, sorry to hear you are not doing so well atm, you know that i know how you feel,

all i can say is that it will get easier as time goes by, i used to be like you doing nice things staying friendly, but it was all in the hope that he would realise he had left something good and want to come back, but i never got anything in return, no appreciation was shown to me on mothers day, i turned 30 this week and he didnt do a card from the girls, so i dont bother anymore, but i think it helps that i dont want him back anymore, and belive me i would have done anything to get him back not so long ago, but i started to think what if we did get back together it would be worse i could never trust him again, it just would never be the same special relationship that i thought we had.. and i just realised i had to move on, because there was no going back,

does he see the children at your house? if he does then that cant help,i think you would find it easier to have little contact, he picks little ones up and goes then drops them back,

I have got a book that i bought during my lowest time called how to mend a broken heart - you are welcome you borrow it if you want to?

email - [email protected]

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