Week from hell and just need some hand holding please

[Juneywoony]

Well where do I begin, This week I have spent the night in a police cell, a night in A&E and a day in a psychiatric unit, I am at rock bottom. I want to run away, I thought hospital would be the answer but the minute I got in somebody came up to me and said you live in road! It was so noisy there I just didn't want to be there so discharged myself, I don't want to be anywhere. Maybe on a beach somewhere far far away! Although couldn't even do that I'm covered in cuts and bruises from head to toe.

The kids have spent the week at the GP's, I saw them last night they are so happy there I, so much happier than when they are with me, I'm just a shit mum to them. They are due to come home tonight, it sounds horrible but I don't want them to but my husband says we need to give them (GP's) a break, he is right I know and he says he will entertain the kids. My husband is so nice, so supportive which makes things worse I don't deserve him. He is so busy at work right now, I'm worried all of this will become too much for him, there's only so much a person can take. I feel so guilty for causing all this upset

I have Bipolar I don't know what type, I have asked my Psychiatrist he just says Bipolar, the only choices of med's they will offer me are Depakote or Lithium and anti psychotics , I know there are other types but apparently I'm too bad to take them, I disagree as what I have been on isn't working either! Last time I saw my regular guy I was on 750 daily, I was functioning, he said I looked brighter yet told me to up it to 1000 daily, since then it's been a gradual decline. I feel detached from everything, I've done stuff because I had to although inside I'm screaming and crying, cried a lot when nobody had been about although last week on holiday, I had to keep suppressing the crying, certain songs, silly things really. Thoughts been so obsessional, mainly about weight, been making my self sick after tea most nights for 6-8 weeks. Constantly analysing other peoples bodies wishing my arms/legs bodies were more like theirs. I had taken up running again but couldn't on holiday and then this week I am just too sore, so now my mind is focusing on getting upset about not exercising.

I saw a different Psychiatrist yesterday she has said I can take 750 depokate and also a low dose on anti d which my own wouldn't let me do, I have an appointment with him in two weeks, where no doubt he will poo poo this again.

I have my CPN coming again today, she is lovely but when she leaves I get so upset as she basically says that they can only do so much and the I have to do the rest, I just don't know how! I'm waiting for Psychological services, been on the waiting list 7 months found out there are 30 people ahead of me and no idea what time scale we are talking until I see them still.

If you have read this far thank you, I don't know what advice if any I'm asking really just wanted to speak to people that understand some or all of what I'm going through.

Hi Juney - just wanted to offer a hand to hold. 'Week from hell' sounds about right, you poor thing.

My husband is so nice, so supportive which makes things worse I don't deserve him. He is so busy at work right now, I'm worried all of this will become too much for him, there's only so much a person can take. I feel so guilty for causing all this upset

This is exactly how I feel about my DH. I could have written that. The only thing you can do (which everyone says to me, but I know it's so hard to follow) is just realised that you are loved. You do deserve that love. That you can't feel guilty for something which is 100% not your fault. It's brilliant that the GPs are there to help. That means it's not just your DH on his own. My DH was diagnosed bipolar but has been so much better for the past 10 years or so. You really wouldn't know he'd been so ill (and he was very, very ill). When he's been down, I've held his hand. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I feel like I put him through hell, but he's still there, he still holds my hand.

That's really good that you saw a different psych, who seems to be more attuned to your needs. Are both psychs private or NHS? Would you be able to see the new psych instead of your current one?

Look after yourself

Hey, look, it's been the week from hell but you got through it and I promise you with 100% certainty that you will get better. It might take a while but once you're on the right meds you will start to feel better.

There are alternatives to lithium and depakote and you're certainly not "too bad" to take them. The medication I find works best for me (I'm bipolar too) is quetiapine. I've been on loads over the years but this suits me best.

Antidepressants need to be used with caution with bipolar. That's not to say you shouldn't take them but they can make things worse. I took them for years following diagnosis but its difficult to say if they helped or not.

Four weeks ago I too was a mess. If it hadn't been for my husband I'd either be dead or in hospital. Rightly so, he knew that the best place for me was with him and my children and he knew he could take better care of me than hospital could. It sounds as if your husband is just as supportive so trust that he knows what's best for you.

The reason I'm telling you this is so that you know it is possible to go right to the depths if hell and come back again. Your husband and children love and need you. You will get better.

i'm so sorry this week has been so awful for you, i can relate to a lot of what you have written and it is awful, i have an ED and am restricting/exercising/comparing and it is -awful- but i have been in recovery before and was actually happy there for a little while, and i really believe when your mood improves, your ed may too, i don't mean that to sound flippant, i really don't, i can't find the right words to say what i mean, i'm sorry.

I really hope that the meds help you.

I don't feel i deserve my DP, well, i know i don't - and i think many people with mental ill health feel the same, so you have my sympathy and understanding there, ultimately though, if he feels you are worth the time and effort, then he'll invest it in you despite you negative self talk. in other words, if he thinks you are worth it, you probably are, as he is not blinded by the effects of these awful illness which always make the sufferer feel guilty/useless/ect

i'm sorry for being so incoherent

thinking of you

Hi Juney. Lovely to see you, but I'm really sorry that its because you're having such a bad time of it at the moment. Bipolar is an absolute fucker at doing this to people.
I can't write much at the mo, but I'll pop back in tomorrow to see how you are doing.
I feel the same about my DH as well. He's doing it because he loves you and thinks you are worth it. xx

Thanks for all your kind words, I do appreciate them.

Just feeling really numb at the moment.

Kids are home, plan is that they are staying and the GP's will take them to school/nursery next week then bring them home, I know it sounds really selfish and horrible of me but I just don't want that. I do love them but I feel so detached from them and from life. Just feel like I need at least a whole week on my own. Wish I had stayed in hospital now. Even reading that back sounds horrible and selfish. I just feel them being around me will do them more harm than good.

I've got to the point where it's hard to wash, cooking a meal just seems like too much.