possible eating problem?

[hardtohandle36]

I have had this on and off since my teens really but it is actually getting worse now.. Im not sure if it is an issue or not and i believe it started when i went on a shakes diet. I lost 4 stone, however have put on about 11 pounds since. i am not skinny btw, i am in the normal bmi range. But, I use food and exercise as a control thing. If i can control them, then i feel in control of my life. It works for me, but i dont think its normal? I constantly think about my weight, wanting to lose weight but whereas previously i have done it healthily, now i just dont eat somedays. Then if i do eat, i eat rubbish. I feel stuck in a cycle. It is triggered when i feel particularly stressed. Im not sure if it is an eating disorder, or just "my way" .. but it is making me physically and mentally unwell. I am tired, i cant concentrate, when i am exercising i feel sick and dizzy, no stamina like i used to have. I need to get out of this habit. Hopefully it will be short lived, but i do want to lose the extra pounds but do it healthily and in control "normally" iyswim.. any suggestions, or am i reading too much into it? Im am suffering depression due to circumstances at the moment..

when i look in the mirror i see "fat".. what stuck out to me was a friend said to me "it is all in your mind" and i had to question if it was or if i am fat?

it sounds like an eating disorder to me, and eating disorders can be diagnosed regardless of bmi.
your relationship with food and weight sounds unhealthily obsessed and damaging.

eating disorders can be so dangerous because if you have that mindset, it is so hard to admit it as a problem - when you think you are the problem.
and eating disorders are not just classified to anorexia and bulimia, there are many many more sufferers of ednos than anorexia, but they are often less likely to seek help because they are 'too fat' to have an eating disorder

How do you feel about seeking help? the first step is admitting to yourself that there is a real problem.

i'm sorry if all this is jumbled, i am really foggy headed today and it is hard to think clearly, I have had anorexia and phases of ednos for over ten years now, so i am happy to answer any questions you have - i have also been in treatment, and have had several periods of almost full recovery and several relapses.

sounds as if it's bound up with the stress and depression Hardto, do you think your circumstances will ease soon?

thanks for replies, it is due to marriage ending and then a significant relationship afterwards ending (became quite abusive).. I feel lost, dont know who i am, lonely and i dont have much support. Im a single parent. I dont have anyone who cares (well doesnt know)
what is ednos?
I want to lose weight and get fit healthily..
I dont feel i want to get help as im just not ready and am hoping i can come out of it on my own in time. I am seeing a councelle, may well mention to her,
but ill feel stupid or crazy. Sometimes i hear people discussing what to eat, cake, marsbars etc and eat loads of other stuff, and in my mind i think i dont know "how they dare"..not nastily but like i am afraid of it, hard to explain.
PFF, as you have suffered (sorry) does this make sense to you?