What do I do now?!

[GracieLoo]

Please, I know i'm falling into this awful place, I know it and i'm scared of telling anyone. i know im supposed to talk, but so much has happened. If i tell anyone I might as well just end it as I can't put people through it all again.

I feel so desperate tonight, can't escape these thoughts. Just realised i'm crying, didn't even know I was. Life isn't meant to be this hard, i can't get better and it's not fair on anyone.

Sat with something to cut myself with to release some of this pain, but can't bring myself to, plus will have to explain the marks, so want to take a few too many pills instead. What can i do? I have been here too recently and I can't go through the shame of admitting it again.

Hello. Sorry to hear you are having such a bad night and struggling so much, sounds horrid.Have you found the Samaritans helpful before? I have used them to just help talk to and it helped pass some time safely.

You sound scared of telling anyone but perhaps that may help you in how you feel? Do distractions help? Anything from knitting ( or any activity that keeps hands busy and focused? I can't knit!!), headphones in, a cup of tea, posting on here, a computer game, anything to just help you get through next few hours.

Night times can be so horrid, hope things better in the day for you.

How are you OP? who can you talk to in RL do you have anyone love? You need to see your doctor asap and explain how you are feeling. Keep posting here if it helps

hi GracieLoo, you deserve help, and people will want to help you. I understand about how shaming it can feel to have these awful things going round in your head, I have just been through something a bit like it when my awful feelings seemed so much stronger than any "rational" thoughts. I went to the doctor who put me on antidepressants. It was a bit of a rough ride to start with but now I am SOOO glad I hung in there as they have really helped. Please do go and get help, you can get better, it can take a few tries to find what (and who) helps, but keep at it. you are TOTALLY worth it!

For me I found CBT invaluable (though I was really sceptical and quite scared of it at first) deep breathing (from the mental health foundation website, there are some short breathing and meditation exercises on there) and really vigorous exercise. I found cycling up hills as fast as I could, so my muscles actually hurt, helped a lot.

I'm under cmht, but having difficulties with them. I've just done something else, completely not my normal behaviour. I've emailed a relative (not close) about a family secret that could have a big impact on me, I have been too scared to do this for years, but just suddenly did it. I want to know before I go. It's important to me. I'm tired but don't want to sleep. I don't want tomorrow to come.

Terrified of the reply now, plus the implications of what I've done, and brought up. Oh god. I don't even feel like I'm here.

Hi Gracie, how are you this morning? I'm thinking of you, hoping it feels more manageable?

Might it help to find someone you are comfortable with talking all this through, maybe call Samaritans as I'm sure they will listen, or a priest perhaps if that is your kind of thing? Just talking can sometimes help you get your own thoughts straight, even if the listener can't give direct advice? And just to be with someone who is listening is often helpful, better than being stuck with them chasing round and round in your head.

Do take care of yourself - hugs

Got a reply from the relative, they want to meet up and talk about it. So tired, and got a meeting re social services this morning. Want to tell someone but can't, don't know how to. I seem fine on the outside so it's easier to hide how I'm feeling.

Hi - hope your meetings are helpful. If you are struggling could you talk to someone in the CMHT so they know how bad things are for you right now? If you can't wait until you have a meeting then sometimes they have a duty worker you can talk to which sometimes can help.

Hope you have told someone today, to reduce pressure on you.

I didn't go into detail today as there were too many people but I know I need to tell someone of my plans. The urges are so bad, feel so detached, sinking fast.

Hi gracieloo how are you today? such a time for you. i hope you may get the help and care and may feel a bit calmer.