Hiya,
I name changed (don't know why I'm telling you but I'm normally a regular and identifiable so that is why!)
Basically want a bit of advice, comfort or whatever you can offer to tell me if this is normal.
I have been looking at my life a lot recently due to DC all growing up and all being on the verge of moving out. They are all at very exciting times in their lives nearly ending University or getting interesting new jobs. They all are very much 'loving life' and have the world at their fingertips. I was talking to a work friend whose DDs are around 27 and she was saying how it is odd that in the past 5 or so years everything has changed so much. She has gone from DDs living at home to getting married to having children!
Anyway, for some reason all these thoughts and the excitement for my children have triggered me to realise how closed I have become. As a child my father abused me and then left unexpectedly having a very bad affair, after a few traumatic years of him playing mind games, he disappeared. He then came in and out of my life via letters, begging me to forgive him or see him, followed my let downs as I realised he had not changed.
Years later it turns out he has aspergers, while it explains his actions it does not excuse them. Although sometimes I wish I could understand him, I really can't and too much has happened to have him in my life. (All this was decided when I was around 20, since then zero contact and I very much moved on with life)
I had counselling and dealt with it, went through the exciting 20s where everything went fairly smoothly and life was enjoyable.
I married, had my kids, and then my exH did very similar to what my father did. He left, battled with the children, was violent towards them and me, and then contact was fully cut.
10 years on, I am fully OK, happy with life and content. I find pleasure in the little things, I have great perspective on life and am far too hurt and untrusting to ever go near another man. But I am OK with that- I enjoy time with my wonderful children and have a busy and successful career, great friends etc.
BUT I realise now that I NEVER EVER open up emotionally to anyone. Sometimes to my mother, but I still can't tell her everything about my father, or husband. I have no need or wish to. I have been to so much counselling, the thought of returning is a nightmare. It feels every emotion and event has been explored inside out and upside down. Is this just acceptance and my way of enjoying life again? Is it healthy? Is it ok to just never really open up? To not tell my friends about my past? To look at the world quite matter-of-factly. To appreciate things and my DC, but often not trust people fully.
I am proud my DC have all grown up to be so resilient and successful, I know they are hurt by their past, in our house it has previously been discussed so much that it has become a topic we don't touch on, simply because life has gone on. We have been like this for about 3 years now, since youngest went to uni and life changed/new focuses.
I have brilliant relationships with my DC who all open up to me emotionally when they need to. I know deep inside I have so many thoughts, but that they are so painful it is easier to not express strong emotion, in fear these feelings will come out and hurt. Am I normal?!
Thanks if you have got this far.