Do people with BPD choose crap partners or are they themselves crap partners?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I think I have bpd (am awaiting diagnosis). I seem to have immense problems with relationships; domestic abuse, emotional abuse and lots of very short-term flings that fizzle out leaving me bereft.

Most recently, I fell in love with a man, found out he was a regular smoker of pot (which I hate and makes my mental health problems worse.) Couldn't dump him as i was too enmeshed (after 1 month fgs) and then a month later he dumps me anyway as I had an anxiety attcka nd wouldn't stop texting him. I stay devastated for 2 months. So who is the crap pd here? Did I subconsciously pick a 'badboy' as i am ill or was I to blame for the relationship mess? I think both but if I was well then I would have dumped the pot smoker straight away.

I have BPD.

I have had an emotionally abusive relationship and several 'dodgy' ones.

I'm crappy with friendships, I am hot & cold with my parents - my DM is either hero worshipped or I am very sensitive to every.little.thing she says.

I think when you are really poorly (i see my BPD a little like bipolar, i definitely have cycles & times when I am much worse than others) then you do tend to pick the wrong parenter, well I do. I think the anxiety and the texting sounds a bit like BPD stuff, and as is the intense emotions - like feeling 'in love' after a month.

I don't think you are 'to blame' though. I firmly think adults who choose to smoke pots are pretty much all nobs, so maybe you are well rid?

Don't blame yourself for this, it won't help - instead learn from it.

I found DBT really useful in curbing some of my BPD attachment issue, but it is case of being aware of my emotions, my mood patterns and my tendancies.

I hope that when (if) you are diagnosed you can get help to stem these behaviours.

FWIW I have now been engaged for over a year to a lovely, kind, loyal DP who doesn't abuse me/do drugs/is a manchild - so there is hope. He helps me realise me when I am being BPD & we work together. so there is hope.

I'm sorry you have been through so much pain with this relationship though, i remember well the sheer hell of it.

I have a great partner thankfully

I think that as Borderlines, we are perhaps attracted to people very often who aren't what we need. But then, that's true of many non-Borderlines too!! :)

As for being crap partners... It's well worth remembering that whilst there is some responsibility for actions, without identifying and working to repair the damage caused, the relationship difficulties will impact on things. Doesn't make us 'crap', it makes us people that have difficulties with relationships.

I've completed STEPPS and am now working on Stairways, there is A LOT of stuff about relationships, and keeping them healthy both ways. It's been hard but well worth it.

And have a . It sucks when you get your heart stamped on, it doesn't matter how long you were seeing him for. Still tough.