I have NC or I find this very embarrassing and shameful.
I know I was abused by an older sister (I am also female) as I have memories of it but I am not really sure it was 'abuse' per say or I was a willing participant. I was around 8/9 and my sister, 4 years older. I feel disgust about these memories and revulsion at myself.
I also have the feeling that I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I have a few odd memories (in the bath) that don't make sense and are not complete but I know I was very afraid and full of shame. I also recently have had terrifying dreams of a man being in my bed with a knife. I was a child in this dream. As a child I also used to have terrible nightmares.
I have had therapy for panic attacks, intrusive thoughts and extreme anxiety surrounding my children's safety, them getting ill, dying etc. Before this therapy I had not thought much about my childhood and I realise now that I have very few memories of it, mostly bad which I don't think is normal as DH can remember loads of stuff. I can't. I mostly remember my teenage years which were a nightmare due to my mother being toxic.
I have always felt 'odd' around my stepfather. I always remember being disgusted by the smell of his breath which I don't think is noticeably bad but I notice it. I have never liked leaving my DC with my mother and him on the very rare occasion they have looked after them.
I have read accounts of people remembering sexual abuse (not talking about false memory 'syndrome' as it was corroborated) well into their 40s/50s that they had 'forgotten'.
The thing is that my panic attacks which are daily, start with a tingling in my private parts and then move up all over my upper body until I feel extreme terror, can't breathe and feel as if I am going to pass out. They are awful, exhausting and paralysing. They seem to be triggered randomly or by any slight stress.
I have had them for 6 years and I have tried everything to 'cure' myself. I had put it down to a traumatic birth I experienced 12 years ago but I am not sure as when asking my mother if she remembered anything untoward happening to me when I was a child, she said that it could have been anybody and if I can't remember it, I should just get over it and move on. Which I would love to do but I feel like my body is remembering something and I have to find out what to be able to let it go iukwim?
I have always felt dirty 'down there' but am fastidious about cleanliness. I also don't feel like a woman which sounds crazy as I obviously am! The feelings I have had of always being different, full of self loathing, crazy, shameful and full of guilt just do not add up. I was also the family scapegoat. Family very dysfunctional, lots of DC, lots of different fathers.
This became more pronounced when I became a mother myself and looking back my panic attacks started when my DD was around the age my sister started sexually 'attacking' me. Therapist had a field day with that!
I often wonder if something happened to my sister and she started playing it out on me. We are estranged and have been for years but she has had her own MH problems including a suicide attempt and has had fertility issues so is still childless at 45. I want to ask her outright but I can't bring myself to as then I will have to bring up what we did and I don't want to make her feel guilty as odd as it sounds.
I don't know. I tick all the boxes for being a child abuse victim but can't quite believe that I am. I would like to just forget it but this blasted anxiety won't let me. I say to myself if there are any memories, they will come when they are ready but I don't want to be on tenterhooks for years. I want it over now. I have tried regression hypnotherapy and it brought up a terrifying memory (not the sexual abuse, domestic abuse) which was corroborated but scared me shitless even though I was 3 when it happened and I can't do that again.
What else can I do? Any ideas?