I haven't been over on this board before, although I have a history of depression and anxiety. I was on fluoxetine until about a year ago and have seemed a lot better. However, in the last 4/5 weeks I've been finding things tougher and tougher. I'm irrational and irritable and crying about absolutely nothing and being tired and lacking in motivation. I was hoping I just needed a rest and, as I'm a teacher, was thinking I'd be ok if I could just get through to the holidays... And then this weekend happened.
I was supposed to meet friends on Saturday, but when I got up I just felt panicky about it. I couldn't face getting on the train or getting the children ready and was dreading seeing my friends, who I love and have been looking forward to seeing for ages. I told them I was ill and stayed at home with the baby. I then ate and ate and ate until I felt sick. Today is worse. I was supposed to meet another friend, but couldn't face seeing anyone. I made DP have the baby for the day because I couldn't face the day. I've been picking on him and trying to start a row and then apologising and crying and then starting all over again all day. I don't know why I'm doing it because it's making me feel horrible. I called DS's Dad and asked him to keep DS overnight, not because I don't want him tonight, but because I couldn't face going to pick him up and having to see anyone. I have tried to go out for a walk with DP and the baby, but ended up climbing into the car, which was outside the house, and curling up in a ball because I needed to be in a safe space and not see anyone.
I can't go to work tomorrow, but I was off work for 2 months 2 years ago because I had one of these episodes and I don't want everyone thinking I'm an unhinged loony (although I am, obviously)
Why can't I pull it together and top letting everyone down? Terrible parent, terrible partner and terrible friend. Not to mention flaky employee. I hate this and I hate me and I want it all to stop.