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Mental health

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Original poster

Long term Ad users please help

25 replies

kizzie · 01/06/2006 19:59

Hi - I have posted about this before. But things have reached rock bottom again. Basically i had PND 7 years ago, got better but then have never been able to get off AD's since.

I was recently on a tricyclic and very well for over a year on low doses.

I reduced very slowly to 0 but now 8 weeks later in a terrible state again.

I am a journalist with a good job but totally unrecognisable from normal me. Unbearable anxiety and lows. I'll spare you the details but suffice to say the Gp is very worried and a psychiatrist is invovled.

I know I have no choice but to go back on. Im going back on the same one even though last time it took 5 months to stabilise and the side effects at first were horrendous. (I know it sounds strange but in the end I was very well on that particular drug.)

Anyway im way past the point of caring whether its withdrawal or not and this time IF I can get better then I wont attempt to come off for a very long time.

Just looking for some support really for any others who have long term probs.

before PND I had never had depression/anxiety but I think it just triggered something in me.

Would really just appreciate a friendly word.

Kizziex

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 01/06/2006 20:04

I am very sorry to hear how bad things are for you, Kizzie. I was on anti-depressants for years, a long time ago, but things sort of resolved themselves for me over time.

I am wondering whether the problem is now with the medication or whether your illness is still present. Sorry I don't have any answers but either way I think things could improve, but you would need specialist help, either from someone very knowledgeable about medication / withdrawal, or someone to help with your anxiety and depression. Are you happy with the help you are getting? It is so hard to do anything much constructive with depression I know.

Glad you have found MN at least, and I am sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon (or hopefully already has posted while I am composing this :))

Original poster

kizzie · 01/06/2006 20:12

Thankyou so much for replying so quickly.

The care I get is ok. But when youre in this state its never enough.

Im so ashamed of the state im in. Totally non functioning. But i believe that I can get better.

I actually have a fantastic counsellor who ive known for a long time. Weve done lots of work trying to find the 'causes' but her view is that for me it is definately a 'chemical' thing.

i have a lovely life - makes me feel enough more ahamed that i feel like this.

Thanks again for replying.

kizziex

OP posts:

Original poster

kizzie · 01/06/2006 20:14

Is mummytosteven still here? I think she takes AD's long term?
Sorry if Ive got that wrong

OP posts:

Surfermum · 01/06/2006 20:42

Hi Kizzie. I've been on tricyclics for over 10 years now. Full dose too. I've tried to come off twice and each time have got depressed again, so between my GP and I we decided that the best thing I could do was stay on them permanently. The first time I was still in the situation that caused me to be depressed (my partner didn't want children) and the second time was 3 months before getting married (to someone else!) and looking back it was a really daft thing to do and I think it was just the stress of the wedding that brought the depression back on.

Anyway since then I've not even thought about reducing them, they keep me really well and I just don't want to rock the boat. People are always really surprised if I tell them I take them, I always get a "what you?" reaction. I just don't think about them any more, they're something I have to take, just as I would insulin if I were diabetic.

FrannyandZooey · 01/06/2006 20:43

Kizzie, I know MTS has a different name now but I am struggling to remember what it is

I am glad you have a good counsellor. I don't know if you have read the book "Sunbathing in the Rain"? I didn't read it while depressed but did think it might be useful to some people.

I'm sorry that you feel ashamed. Depression has nothing to do with your strength as a person or how fortunate / unfortunate your life is. But you'll know that, theoretically anyway :(

There are lots of great people here when you want to talk, if that helps.

Original poster

kizzie · 01/06/2006 20:47

Cant believe you mentioned that book. I used to have it but couldnt find it today so ordered it this afternoon on amazon.

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FrannyandZooey · 01/06/2006 20:50

Oh good, at least I am not talking complete bolleaux :)

Original poster

kizzie · 01/06/2006 20:50

surfermum - thanks so much for repling. Which tricyclic? The one ive just stopped and will probably go back on is clomipramine.

I had severe side effects first time with it and things really did get worse before they got better but then i am very very sensitive to medications.

I took max 75mg for a few weeks but then settled on 50mg and then even lower for quite a few months.

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Surfermum · 01/06/2006 20:58

I'm on Dothiepin, which seems to be called Dosulepin these days. It really was the best decision I could have made, and I'm sure it protected me from PND after I had dd. I had a very slight wobble for a couple of weeks and then was fine again.

Franny's right, depression is nothing to do with how strong a person you are. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain. Thankfully when I was ill and at my worst I was a psychiatrist's secretary, so got loads of support from friends and colleagues at work. It is incredibly common, it's just that there is such a stigma people aren't open about it. There's still some people I don't tell as I know they just wouldn't understand. The "pull yourself together" brigade.

majormug · 01/06/2006 21:08

I have been on ads for 14 years and am only 30. have to say most recent one was best put i put on loads of weight. struggling with life now have been off it for 6 weeks think a should have stayed on it but weight gain was getting me down aswell. friends are good but they can only bear to listen for so long. looking for some answers myself. sending a huge hug anyway..... you are not alone x x x x x

Original poster

kizzie · 01/06/2006 21:12

One of my best friends is one of the 'pull yourself together' brigade. i know she is appalled that Im going back on and I wont hear from her for the next few weeks while I struggle. She really is a good friend normally - very supportive/helpful. First one to rush round and offer help if there's any kind of other crisis. But she just doesnt 'do' depression and she looks at me with such disappointment.

I'm really questioning whether going on is the right thing. the fact that Ive been able to sit at the computer this evening makes me think 'well you cant be that bad' but I know that things really have been very very bad the last few weeks and a hour of 'not quite so black' isnt really enough.

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Original poster

kizzie · 01/06/2006 21:14

thanks for the support majormug.
Surfer sorry to ask so many questions. My big fear is that they wont work again because I stopped. Did you find that the dothiepin worked ok for you when you restarted it?

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majormug · 01/06/2006 21:17

this is really sad but i have a tear in my eye..... am so relieved (if thats the right way to put it) that i am not alone..... none of my friends suffer with depression..... i am currently trying to hide how bad i feel for fear of them slagging me off behind my back and saying ... oh no not again. i am seriously thinking of going back on my tablets and just being determined not to put weight on. keep chatting......... its good to get how youre feeling off your chest.

Surfermum · 01/06/2006 21:19

Yep, both times I went back on it I increased the dose up as quickly as I was allowed to full dose, and both times it worked fine. It was such a relief to get rid of the symptoms.

I was quite often OK in the evenings and wondering what I was fussing about, but the next morning would wake up and have the black cloud again and not want to get out of bed.

Original poster

kizzie · 01/06/2006 21:25

Thanks surfermum for the reassurance that it wokred for you again. To be honest I think Ive got so used to 'horrrendous' that I start to think thats the best I deserve/can expect. But I know deep down that when Im well my life is nothing like that.

majormug - have you ever tried to radically change your diet? Its just that in one of my (failed) bids to beat this naturally I cut out all sugar from my diet and started eating lots of oats/ fruit/veg etc. The weight literally dropped off. i know in the past that Ive put on wieght with ad's but I think that if I stuck to this 'diet' then it would help to make the increases less extreme. i know when youre feeling low trying to eat healthily is virtually impossible but if you were feeling better on ad's then you might be able to try it.

And dont beat yourself up about your friends. I kept my depression a secret for years and still hardly anyone at my childrens school knows about it. They think Im the 'happy' one

OP posts:

Original poster

kizzie · 01/06/2006 21:33

majormug - forgot to say. I was totally addicted to chocolate. def didnt help the weight gain and probably didnt help depression. I stopped buying it and now only have dark chocolate in the house. I let myself have one square a night. because its so bitter you just dont want loads of it so it helps with the calories. I know you can get real cravings on AD's.

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Surfermum · 01/06/2006 21:39

I know what you mean. I found it was really hard to think rationally about things when I was low. At one point I wondered if I would ever feel "normal" again. I had 3 months off work and then returned to part-time for another 3 months. I thought I would never cope with a full time job ever again - which now seems totally ridiculous. I did though, I managed to leave my partner, move area, buy a flat, get a new job which was really busy and demanding. All without getting ill again. I think I'm probably better now than before I was ill, as I've learnt to say no to things without feeling guilty and learnt to put myself first at times, especially when I think I may be dipping a bit.

Surfermum · 01/06/2006 21:42

Majormug, it's hard isn't it when people don't understand. I've put weight on but that's down to chocolate, wine and belgian buns the size of my face (no joke) from the cake shop near work! I don't honestly think I could put my weight gain down to the ad's, more's the pity .

majormug · 01/06/2006 21:49

i just want to stop being neurotic, paranoid and suspicious..... its ruining everthing i do.... doesnt help that my partner lies and sneaks about. i feel shaky and panicky tonight like any little thing could tip me....... what do you guys do on nghts or days like these where you feel like staring into space or being physically sick?

majormug · 01/06/2006 21:50

since off last ads my appetite is virtually nothing........ which worries me because a usually love love love my food.... i dpnt even want to snack on chocolate!!!

majormug · 01/06/2006 22:29

hey has everyone gone to bed???

Surfermum · 01/06/2006 22:36

Not quite majormug, but must soon. My mood is definitely affected by being tired, so I'm trying to get to bed by 10 each night. I haven't had a bad day for ages now, but if I do I just go with it. I've learnt to tell dh how I'm feeling so he can make allowances. I also try to work out what's real and what's illness if that makes sense.

majormug · 01/06/2006 22:42

i am half single ...... my partner is being horrid.... but i cant talk to him....

ItalianJob · 16/06/2006 13:43

(the mnetter formerly known as MTS)

Hardly on here any more, but if you want to contact me to "chat"/add me to MSN - I'm on [email protected].

Been on the Prozac since December 2003. At first was told I'ld been on it for 18months to 2 years after I felt completely well, then at my last psych appointment I was advised to stay on it permanently, as the risk of taking a low dose was less than the risk of relapse. This in view of my history - over the last 11 years, 4 periods of OCD, 1 of depression.

Take care!

ItalianJob · 16/06/2006 13:54

Like others I sympathise with the social pressure to be off ADs - but I regard depression/OCD as having a seretonin deficiency, not as some form of weakness I should be applying mind over matter too! I see it as being analogous to having high blood pressure = the mildest cases may not require medication, but careful lifestyle changes but that for many meds are the only option.

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