I just want to give up

[LEMisdisappointed]

Thats it, i'm done - had enough of trying. What is the bloody point, ive spent the best part of ten years trying to be something i am not. Looking at other people with envy, hating my life more and more because of it. I wanted it all - the good job, the happy family (i have that, to a degree) the nice life, respect of others and to feel proud of myself.

I look at other mums, dressed for work, nice cars (because they work), good, interesting jobs, holidays, happy kids etc - I know everyones life isn't perfect or like that, but i thought mine could be, i thought i could be one of those women i see, nice clothes, sucsesful.

I worked for it, i worked so bloody hard for it, put myself through university, PhD but it wasn't meant for the likes of me and i should have accepted that. Right from the start - im the one who people look down on, feel sorry for maybe, or just think that is a tad pathetic. Thats the only way to describe it - im DOWN, not feeling down but down at the bottom of the ladder and that is where i am. I should never have thought i could be anything else. So i have qualifications that i thought would put me up, not at the top but somewhere inthe middle of things. That people would like me and want to be around me etc, but no - it never has been and never will be me.

So thats it, im giving up, i can't do anymore - i can go through the motions of being a mum to my DD and a "partner" to DP, but thats it, no more wanting, no more anything - will come home, sit down, wait for school run, put on a brave face - but there is some releif in stopping trying. I have to grieve for the person i wanted to be, but accept who i am.

Sometimes i resent my family, because if it wasn't for them.........i could give up completely - every day i wake up, every day i think, fuck, here we go again. There is no joy in anything, nothing - its all pretend really.

Book an appointment with your GP and get referred for psychotherapy and meds (if you haven't already). Everything feels crap, but objectively it isn't - you just need some help finding perspective again, be it ADs or whatever.
You don't deserve to feel like this - it's fixable with the right treatment.
And I'm sorry you've had so little support on your thread. Thinking of you!

Thanks extra - i am under the doctor and having couneslling. I just have come to the conclusion that i have tried too hard for too long now. Its just too much - ive had enough. Waiting for the doctor to call, i am on meds and need a new prescription. Ironically just had the woman from the MH team on phone but told her i felt ok - I just don't see the point of trying to fix things anymore.

((((hugs)))) lem. I've posted on the village but just seen this. It's good that you're speaking to your GP today, please try and be honest with her about how you're feeling - if nothing else, read out what you've written here. You have made progress tho I know how slow and frustrating it is. It is possible to recover, maybe you need to adjust meds, often counselling can make you feel worse before you feel better, and the situation with your DD is def not helping at the mo. Hang in there, you're very much valued here and in the village... xxx

Thanks CiQ, i just don't know what to say to the doctor, i had the opportunity to ask for help when the MH phoned but i just clammed up, pretty much told her i didn't want to talk. Im not suicidal so there will be nothing else they can do anyway, it seems.

From what you've said here and recently, it may be that the ADs have taken you a certain way, but like Ed, there's still room for improvement. Could you say

"Im giving up, i can't do anymore - i can go through the motions of being a mum to my DD and a "partner" to DP, but thats it, no more wanting, no more anything - will come home, sit down, wait for school run, put on a brave face - but there is some releif in stopping trying. I have to grieve for the person i wanted to be, but accept who i am.

Sometimes i resent my family, because if it wasn't for them.........i could give up completely - every day i wake up, every day i think, fuck, here we go again. There is no joy in anything, nothing - its all pretend really."

I know how hard it can be to express this stuff when you just feel "oh shit what's the point I can't be bothered". And I think that is part of the illness. But often opening that door does help. When's your next counselling appt?

Its tomorrow - the annoying thing is, the last time i saw my counseller i was in doing ok, but now ive taken ten steps back and im embarrased . I don't know what to do anymore.

Good its tomorrow. I know it feels embarrassing, but its the nature of the beast. You're having an upsetting time with your DD and that won't be helping. They are so familiar with the ups and downs of this illness that they will have had many other clients in the same boat as you - and will do in the future x

Please don't be embarrassed!! It's an illness and no more your fault than eczema or a hear condition you need support for. You just need to find the right combination of meds and therapy to sort you out - and as long as you're open with GP etc I have every faith you will! I know exactly what you're going through and it's hell, but please don't make yourself more alone xx

That was a heart condition.. Tsch.