Worried about DH. How do I support him?

[FlatsInDagenham]

I don't know if this is a MH issue or not but hoping for some advice from what I know to be a very supportive board.

DH has been doing a job he hates for 6 months. He is growing increasingly anxious about going to work, talks about little other than how to get out of his job (but does nothing to actually make that happen) and has spent the whole of this weekend dreading Monday, despite us having spent time with lovely friends and had good quality family time this weekend. He just can't stop thinking about it, so cannot properly relax.

That is no way to live.

This evening he has complained of chest pains and he believes it's down to stress. He has checked his own blood pressure and it's slightly higher than it should be.

I think I said the wrong thing - I basically said that he needs to detach emotionally from the work situation and just go through the motions until he finds something else. (He hasn't yet applied for anything else.) But I phrased it badly by saying "You can help yourself," which probably sounded unsupportive. I think he wants me to say that he can just quit now and find a job after - but I won't say that because we rely on his income and have no savings to fall back on.

How can I help him to help himself? He needs to stop moping about it and do something - apply for jobs I mean, be proactive in changing his situation. How can I support him to do this without sounding like a nag? How do I show my unconditional support?

Do you think he needs to go off sick? He does have holidays coming up in a few weeks.

I'm sorry to hear this - I've recently been through something similar and it's really hard work, especially when you think you can see a course of action but you can't persuade the other person to take it.

Can you suggest that he visit his GP? S/he may be able to help with the stress, which would hopefully give him the focus to think about doing something about his situation.

I think that for your sake and his, it's essential that you don't try to solve the problem yourself. He's the only one can really make a difference here, and all you can do is be a listening ear and reassure him that you understand how he's feeling. But in the end he needs to find his own way out. I feel for you, it's really tough.

Can you help him by updating his CV and pointing out jobs in his specific field to apply for? Ultimately only he can do this though.

Start by getting him to go to the GP and get the chest pains checked. That is not something to mess around with--don't just dismiss it as 'stress'.

Thanks all. Good suggestions. He's going to see the GP today.

Good luck OP, hope he gets the help he needs. And if you are finding the situation stressful, try to talk to someone else about it, so you can find some relief from the pressure without stressing him out more. I know from painful experience that if you try to be supportive without refunding an outlet for your own feelings, things can really get on top

...of you (sorry, not sure what happened, typing on phone!).

*finding, not refunding

If anyone is still reading - DH went to GP and was offered sleeping tablets or anxiety tablets. He doesn't want either. I don't know what we expected from the GP but he is extremely disappointed. GP unconcerned about the chest pain. No suggestions of any kind of support or help or counselling - just a prescription.

Is this normal? Should he have asked for something different?

I guess it depends on what he did ask for. I'd certainly suggest he go back and say he needs more than just a prescription. It's tough when doctors don't offer the solution you're after but he does have the right to go back and ask for counselling or whatever additional support he is hoping for. Sometimes you have to really spell it out, unfortunately. Is there another GP he could see at the same practice?

DH went to the GP in a similar situation and did get referred to counselling. It came though within a month or so, as I recall. He was also signed off for a month with stress. It was a dreadful time - I didn't recognise DH at all - he was so unhappy and stressed it completely changed his personality.

We tried mediation at work, got unions involved - all to no avail. He was applying for other things, but in the end he did resign with no job to go to - it got to the point where something irrevocable was going to happen. IT was tough and scary but, three years down the line, we are back on track. We took the view that nothing was worth what he was living under. (We found out this week that the perpetrator has finally lost her job! Yay!)

Anyway - it is incredibly hard to support someone in this situation as they can be utterly subjective and/or paralysed. Can you agree some timescales with him - start applying for other jobs and we'll review in x months time. Then he'll know it isn't open-ended pressure.

All the best.