When things aren't as you expect them to be...

[GoddessofSuburbia]

How do you cope? I've recently had a miscarriage. To make it worse (if that's possible) I wasn't trying for a baby- in fact, it was pretty bloody unlikely given I've been sterilised! The miscarriage was very early, probably somewhere between 4-6 weeks. Needless to say it was a bit od a double whammy, as I lost the baby a few days after I suspected I was pregnant.

What I want to ask is what do you do when you don't react the way you thought you might? I've been really stable- sad, obviously, but it hasn't triggered my bipolar in the way I was kinda prepared for it too, especially as I've only just regained stability from a fairly serious blip. I'm not exhibiting any of the warning signs I'm about to cycle at all to my knowledge- if anything, I'm actually handling the whole thing really well.

So, I'm kind of a bit suspicious of myself. I'm worried that I'm actually handling it a bit too well, and mistaking the soft markers of mania as signs that I'm handling the emotional fallout from the miscarriage really well. Taking them in my stride, as it were. I've been known to do that before, over different circumstances. DP has been fab- he's a midwife and also has bipolar, so 'gets' it from all perspectives- and knows my fears. He's on the lookout for signs of impending madness, and will implement the OFP (Oh Fuck Plan) if he feels necessary- we've both written a kind of care plan for each other to follow if the need arises, so I know I'll be ok if anything does happen.

It's just weird to have the feeling that, as I said, what I thought would happen hasn't, and a bit unnerving to say the least. It feels like I'm waiting for it; the am I cycling/am I not cycling/might I be cycling feelings are quite confusing, and fairly hard to handle.

Anyone got any experience of this sort of thing, and if so, what did you do to help cope with it?

Anyone?

I think you just need to give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling... it's understandable you would be analysing it like this but the sentence about "mistaking the soft markers of mania as signs that I'm handling the emotional fallout from the miscarriage really well" is just a classic human response of overthinking this... making connections where you don't need to because that's just what human beings do... you're scanning for cycling because on some level you feel you SHOULD be finding this hard. But it's okay not to find it hard. You were sterilised, it was unplanned, it's hard to find you are pregnant and not then but it doesn't need to be a huge trauma even though some women might feel it was. People do react very differently. I've had chemical pregnancies and not even reacted that much other than a bit of disappointment, other women I know mark the date for evermore and consider it an angel gone back to heaven. Neither is right or wrong, they're just different ways of approaching the same experience.

Give yourself a break! You are set up well, there are plans in place and what you are feeling is fine - whatever it is. If that changes you have a partner on hand who knows what to do so just relax into you are you are now and where possible note the feelings of suspicion and then just breathe into them, relax and let them go.

HTH

I have noe experience of any of it, but willing to hand hold.
fwiw, I agree with working. I think you need time, and allow yourself to just be.

I do know, that sometimes when multiple things happen at once, or when something happens that provokes multiple emotions, that it takes time to emotionally work through each part of it all.

I think it is brilliant btw, that you and your DH both have care plans for each other - that sounds very sensible indeed.

Thank you for the kind words guys.

I think you're bang on the head when you suggest I'm overthinking things, Working. And, following from that I guess I need to try to chill a bit, and focus on what I'm feeling at the present and not so much the what ifs. I'm very sad for what could have been; whilst unplanned doesn't even cover it, it was a very much wanted pregnancy, if that makes sense. I think the thing I'm finding hardest at the minute is giving myself permission to feel what I do, and that whatever and however I feel is ok, especially as I've had some less than sensitive comments from a RL friend.

Glad you like our care plans, Ilikethebreeze. It came from when I was a single parent, and I wrote a 'What to do if you're worried about mummy' plan for my DC's to follow if they thought I was getting ill- it had things like if you see mummy doing lots more cleaning than usual (I normally tend towards healthy slatternlyness); if mummy says yes to everything you ask her to buy, and voluntarily takes you to Claires accesories and/or Toys r us (my personal idea of a hell hole- I would never go in there of my own volition whilst well); if mummy is still bouncing around after a full day looking after you two (my dc's are like human border collies, and have seemingly limitless energy) then she might be getting a bit ill. And if that's the case, call these people- I then had a list of phone numbers, in the order I wanted them to call, written down. We adapted that when DP moved in with us, as he found that I can on occasion get a bit belligerent if I'm getting manic, and get quite resistant to taking the meds I need to bring me down. He felt uneasy giving them to me when I was refusing, even though he suspected that it's what I'd want him to do. So we sat down, and wrote the plan which in a nutshell gives him my advance, written consent that he can sedate the hell out of me as a first line management strategy if I'm refusing meds if he feels it necessary. This works because I trust him implicitly, and he always, always notes down whatever symptoms I'm showing. Thankfully, he's never had to do it, but it's rather a comfort to know that the plans are in place which might well nip problems in the bud.

Again, brilliant.
To me anyway, it sounds like you will both work through it all.