Worried I'm going mad

[Stripedmum]

I feel strange all day. I have to literally give myself pep talks to get through. I worry about life constantly and what it all means and I'm so, so scared that it's going to send me mad as I know there is no ultimate answer. I never used to feel like this and certainly don't want to feel like it for the rest of my days.

I first developed anxiety after the birth of DS and whilst it's not as bad as it was (I no longer have daily panic attacks) I still feel on the edge all day mostly centring around this meaning of life and the weirdness of everything.

I think I've realised it IS anxiety and not something more sinister as I feel more myself when DH takes over to look after DS and DD (2.2 and 9 weeks).

Does this sound really bad?

Hi Stripedmum, I am sorry to hear you are having a rough time but from what you said it doesn't sound like madness, severe anxiety yes. I am sure you will find lots of anxious mums on here saying similar things to you. I can relate to some degree, I think it's normal to be more anxious after you become a mum, the enormous responsibility of it all can get overwhelming. Is it things to do with your DCs that you particularly worry about or life in general? I found that I got very sensitive (and still am) to things on the news, esp bad things to do with children. I just can't face it the way I used to.

Sorry I am not trying to direct this post at myself just trying to explain how I can hope to relate to you. Have you spoken to your DH about it or anyone else? Could it possibly be post natal depression? You would need to speak to a professional though, I am careful not to give out too much advice on here, I'm just throwing in ideas. I do definitely think you need to talk about it though, it won't help to keep it to yourself. It is normal that being a mum is stressful, but it should be a happy time too, hopefully more that an anxious one. Having your 'me' time to relax more, when DH takes over is so important. I hope you start to feel better soon. Take care.

I don't have kids but can completely identify with I worry about life constantly and what it all means and I'm so, so scared that it's going to send me mad as I know there is no ultimate answer this is a major symptom of my anxiety.

I am being treated with fluoxetine for anxiety and (touch wood) it is working. I tried to deal with my anxiety alone for years and then finally admitted how bad it was to a doctor. I struggled through life feeling quite "wonky" alot with a real sense of unreality, like I was worrying about "The Bigger Picture" in a way other people weren't and I was worrying about every little thing and how that would impact on the universe and everyones futures etc. Like I was somehow in charge of the universe and my worry was the only thing keeping things in order.

I am on a waiting list for some talking therapy by the fluoxetine is keeping me in check at the moment- I am so much better than I was and improved within only a week or so of taking the tablets. Go and see your GP and be persistent, if your GP is unsympathetic or unhelpful go and see another one. This is a valid problem and you need help.

Thank you for your really kind responses. I really appreciate it as didn't think anyone would understand.

I'm so concerned that I'm broken and there's no way back for me. I can't accept that there is no answer about why I'm here. I find being alive really frightening now.

I would never 'do anything stupid' but I feel beyond miserable and I can't see a time when I won't. I also feel like my sanity won't remain in tact much longer.

I can't understand why other people don't worry about this in the same way I do? While I know it's unhelpful and fruitless I can't stop.

Just thinking out loud.

Striped of course there are people who understand, ordinary people like me and cleverer professionals, so don't feel on your own, can you ask your GP for help? It's a start...you didn't say if you had spoken to anyone, your DH for instance? I am sure lots of people feel the same or similar to you! We are all in the same boat in life in that we don't know what life is going to hand us do we?

Whilst you are waiting for an apt you could ring eg Samaritans, a counsellor or another helpline, find a website about mental health/anxiety issues which would offer help. A certain amount of worry is ok for us but not the amount you seem to be going through. Please take the first step for the sake of yourself and DCs.

Striped I am so sorry that you are going through this but there is hope! The first step is admitting you can't cope and you're doing that. Can you book in with your GP this week?

Thank you both :-) you are both so k

kind.

I'm not sure what to say to the GP. It seems like a 'crazy' problem to have...

How do I phrase it?

When I first had DS it was diagnosed as PND and was given ADs but never took them as I'm afraid of them. In fact I know I could never take them.

I have had counselling but it never helped - mainly I think due to the fact I couldn't 'show' them how strange things seem. Does that even make sense?

I think just tell the GP the truth- that this all sounds a bit bizarre, but these are the thoughts and feelings you're having and you're finding it increasingly difficult to control them.

I would try and talk to your GP as well about the suitability of an AD. I think a lot of people are unjustly terrified of them, and whilst you say you could "never take them" I think you may need to confront the fact that your options are that you either take them and start to get a handle on this or don't take them and continue along this road, with the possibility of getting worse. You can't cope with these feelings and thoughts and it makes sense that if a drug can help, you should take it. You wouldn't refuse to take an antibiotic if you had an infection, I assume, so don't discount the drugs. They can help you reach an equalibrium whilst you find a talking therapy or something else that helps.

Striped I think dizzy speaks a lot of sense, don't completely write off the fact that medication may help you but I understand that you would rather have alternatives, I would be the same.

I couldn't 'show' them how strange things seem. - I understand, it can be hard finding the words, could you maybe write things down, keep a bit of a diary and they (the professionals) can either read it or you read it to them if you are struggling with what to say? Just a thought.

I think the strangeness you are referring to is depersonalisation, which is classic anxiety.

I always used to say I felt like a ghost, sort of drifting above things, but other people describe it as looking through glass, feeling distant, being outside yourself etc etc.

It is normal, but is also horrible. I do think the ads would help.....

Hi there. I definitely did have depersonalisation etc to begin with a couple of years ago (badly). Now that's gone and I feel utter despair. It reached a crescendo this morning but has then been niggling in the background all day. I feel totally isolated in my thoughts and feelings and I'm petrified I'll have to live like this forever. I've suffered really badly with anxiety and now this strange isolation and despair has hit. I fight it every day but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere and I don't know how much longer I can take 'it'. Does this sound like depression? If not I don't know what to do. I'm just thinking out loud here.

You definitely need to get to the doctor. Have you made an appointment?

I think sometimes we can get bogged down with thinking of names for things ourselves 'depression' etc. Don't try and diagnose it yourself, all you need to know is that you feel far from right and you need to see a professional. I know feeling isolated can feel awful as I have felt like that lately (about a certain issue going on in my life) but I honestly don't think you will feel isolated once you start to open up to someone who can understand and help.

Thank you. Yes I was thinking that before. I can feel happiness, today I have been tracking my mood with an app on my phone and there have been twice when I've felt content and happy. After a nice lunch out with my family and just now after a run. But the bad whallop this morning, this afternoon were really, really bad. It's also not nice it hanging anout in the background.

I'm the type of person who needs labels but you're right in that really it's pretty pointless.

Re. The doctors I really don't think they can do anything for me. I won't take antidepressants (believe me I'm honestly the type of person who it would mix up more - I'm that anxious I'd be worrying and over thinking it and any sided effect when trying to get the dosage right etc would cripple me - I've read it can be quite the journey just trying to get the right one). In terms of counselling I've had quite a lot and none of it's helped to date. A whole course under the GP and she effectively said that Wed reached the end of the line with it.

All I can do now is accept where I'm at, accept that for now it's not going to kill me, accept that madness happens but I have people who love me to be there for me if it does and just hang in there hoping that this whatever it is passes.

Does that sound okay do you think, as people who've been through these kind of issues?

*sorry for the typos - I really must learn to read things through before I post!

Hi Striped I was really glad to hear about your feeling good times! Well done!

I didn't mean to say it's not helpful to have a diagnosis by the way, I was just trying to say it's hard trying to find out for yourself as sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees. It takes someone else to see things a bit clearer for you. Does that make sense?

How is your day to day life by the way, I mean functioning, doing all the basic chores and looking after the children? I find all this draining and mine are 14yrs and 11 yrs now! Do you have a friend you can speak to or someone else, a minister. I know what you mean about the antidepressants I would feel the same, but there should be lots of other ways to get help. Perhaps you didn't have the right counsellor for you, did you have just the one? Have you tried any self help books, tapes etc, I believe some of these can be excellent.

Last thing, do you have any hobbies, basically 'me' time to relax or just do nothing?(easier said than done with the little ones I know) but it's so important. For you

Senses I'm sorry it's taken me a while to reply. I'm always shocked at the loveliness of MNetters to offer advice and help give you a little boost through the hardest times - thank you. I'm sat here with a glass of wine and I'm feeling great

I have started running which even on the bleakest days never fails to put me in a better frame of mind. It gives me that all-important 'me' time. A phrase that I thought was quite daft until I had a toddler and newborn!

Oh yes I'm functioning alright - probably too much. I never let up on the house, the kids. Everything has to be just so and I need to relax this as its simply too much to handle.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. It really, really did help. Until next time!

Hi Striped, I'm so glad me and others can help, I have had help on here, it is a godsend, esp if you feel you cannot speak to anyone in RL.

I am like you in that I find it hard to relax if there is hoovering to be done or some other such crap, I am getting better though lately at saying 'sod it, no one ever died from a bit of dust or whatever...'

Please keep up with the stuff that makes you feel good, the running, the , it's great to hear gal!