I can't do this again, please tell me how to change it

[lonelyandbored]

6 years ago my mental health (bipolar and anxiety) got so bad I couldn't function anymore, since then I have spent every weekday while dh has been at work on my own. The past 2 years have been ok, I've felt really well apart from a few little blips that have been due to stress, poor sleep, or some other obvious trigger. Last week it was like someone flicked a switch in my brain and depression has hit me like a ton of bricks for no reason.

I can't do this again, I just can't. I need to stop it, change it but I don't know how. I know I need to get out more. The only time I leave the house is when I am with the dog or dh, or if I have no choice. I need to do something but I don't know what and I am so scared of becoming ill again it's crippling.

I really want a job, but I have no useful qualifications. I didn't finish my degree and have only ever had one proper job that that was in 2003. I live in a tiny town that has limited voluntary jobs and I can't go else where because I can't afford the bus and I find the bus really stressful. Even if the perfect voluntary job came up I think I would be to anxious to take it.

Please tell me how to change my life, I'm 28 and have nothing to show for it. I feel so useless.

I know how you're feeling, but please stop being so tough on yourself and go to see your doctor.
I'm sure just getting out for a couple of hours a week would make all the difference. What about doing a course at the local adult education college (might even be free) or checking out the library for free clubs and events? Once you're used to being out and about again, THEN start thinking about what you want to do.
If that's too much for now, Mind and some other organisations run groups where people like us can meet up, support each other and make friends...
Good luck!

I wav also going to suggest looking into.courses at the library. They are often free too.

Thank you for your replies. I would love to do a course on something but there are no colleges in my town. The nearest one is maybe 40 minutes on the bus away and I think I would have to pay as I'm not on any benefits. I've just checked the local library and they only do baby and toddler groups and a basic computer course but I will keep checking. I checked on Minds website and they don't seem to do anything in my area.

I know I am been hard on myself but I feel like such a failure, even the degree I chose to do was influenced by my mental health. I chose it because I thought it would help me survive the end of the world!

I don't want to go to the doctors even though I know I should. I just wish I could stop crying. My dog hates it, every time I start to cry he goes and hides under the kitchen table!

You sound so low, wish I could just give you a big hug.
I'm currently taking citalipram and if I were honest, the only thing that kept me going was having to go work (luckily something I love). You are right, that going out and occupying your mind with something else can help immensely. I also understand how hard it is to find the strength and motivation to do so. Maybe something little like not doing a big ship, so you have to go out each day could help? Do you have a local primary school that you could help at ? Hearing the kids read and the such?
I do think going to the Dr is probably the best thing for you, but ultimately its up to you. So I hope I'm not coming across as insensitive when I just suggest practical solutions. I suspect that you know you need medical intervention, and the time is right for you, you will take that path xx

Ahem SHOP, not ship.

Not doing a big ship sounds like an excellent idea!

Spreading the shopping out over the week is actually a good idea, I'll talk to dh about it when he gets in from work.

There are a number of reasons I don't want to see my gp or in fact any gp. They only ever offer medication which either makes me physically ill (every anti-depressant I have tried) or I panic over taking it. I used to take lithium but couldn't force myself to take it again once I had overdosed on it. Or I get referred to the local mental health team which is so bad its almost unbelievable. They have forgotten about me I think. I'm still waiting for cbt that I was referred to 4 years ago, every time I chase it up I'm told I'm definitely on the list.

I can't believe how depressed I feel, just over a week ago I was fine. I am so scared of been sucked back into the cycle of depression and mania, it utterly ruins my life and then it take years to get me back. I only just got me back and now I'm losing it all again.