I'm sorry if this isn't the right place, really struggling for some help, I have been reading this forum a few months and only posted about twice so this is a big step for me, I have a bit of a complex about posting online / reaching out for help in any form, I don't have kids so please tell me if I shouldn't be here.
I have had MH problems since about age 14, waxing and waning slightly but has crippled me in terms of the life I used to aspire to. Only just moved out from my parents' (I'm mid 20s) and work part time as was v fortunate to find an understanding employer who had a vacancy when I was doing an internship.
I have been seen by the CMHT for the last 2 years following some self harm and v v low depressive states. They referred me to autism service last year and 2 weeks ago I saw them and they said I had aspergers, not a huge surprise in some ways. have always been an odd one and had social / emotional difficulties.
But am having a struggle relating to it in that I have always thought of myself as lazy, unworthy, somewhat lesser than real people? because of the things I just have a hard time with, always being told to concentrate, try harder, make more effort and improve my attitude. Not at work btw this is school days, work are v kind and it makes me feel so guilty when I do half day / leave early due to being upset though I do give it my all when I am capable (makes up for the days when I am going through the motions, can't hold a conversation etc)
so really my fears are, will the CMHT drop me now I have this label on me, I have high IQ so not really seeing it as something that should affect me, will they put everything I go through down to aspergers? haven't seen my support worker in months not sure if I am seeing her at all any more. psychiatrist I only see to get / change prescription.
I am on venlafaxine and pregabalin for severe low mood and anxiety, its not helping as I have got out of bed at this hour overwhelmed thinking 'my nose is falling off, my facial bones are crumbling in on themselves' all because I blew my nose too hard earlier and had a tiny nosebleed. Pacing, thoughts of self harm etc but mainly just panic. thinking about stupid things I have said / done where I didn't 'get it' at the time. will overcompensate later and make another fool of myself.
would feel terrible about waking boyfriend, he came to stay tonight as he had plans with friends at weekend (I'd normally go and stay at his) he had been v patient with me today and I have basically ignored him / been v passive all evening as have had no mental energy to communicate. Will struggle at work tomorrow, thankfully I don't do a full day and they are used to my 'flexible' hours.
I do not know what to do when I feel like this, is what I am trying to say, I feel so guilty about the things I am supposed to have done and failed. eg food rots in fridge as I can never get it together to cook even a ready meal, have no friends as can't click with people, no degree as had breakdown and sat in parents house for 2 years only going out at night to buy junk food and cigs. can't support myself and rely on money from parents to pay rent as don't earn enough and can't cope with change of job / ft hours. have debt collectors still ringing me from uni days as I did a moonlight flit to parents halfway through year and housemates left bills in my name. can't even reply to post. house is filthy.
have got dla form sat on the side as saw info on an aspergers forum, but now I have seen what they ask, feel I am a fraud for thinking about it, keep.thinking of ripping it up and putting it in the bin, only thing stopping me is I wouldn't be able to get a new one they stopped issuing them, man on phone when I rang said b v sure to keep it safe and copy it for that reason. but I feel because I.work there's no point, works the only thing keeping ne going though, but how can I be working and reasonably bright and still be so shit at looking after myself? but then I feel I SHOULD be fine I'm just not trying hard enough.
bf is such a help, he really tries to support me, helps me keep on top of things, lets me cry at him, copes with my silent days etc but feel I cannot possibly burden him more than I do. he's always doing things for me as it is and I don't think its s good thing to rely on him so much.
am also having severe anxiety related to taking pills, I cannot face the side effects, have been on 4 different antidepressants and made me feel like crap, I do not see the benefit any more of accessing this help. I think it is wasted on me. I do not want to be healthy, I do not even want to be here. no possible situation could make me feel happy, everything is too much. the only thing keeping me from jumping in front of a train is how much it would hurt my boyfriend and my family, and the consequences should I fail in the attempt. so I will go on and on not even feeling anything but shit.
I'm so sorry for posting this nonsense, I can't see why anyone would want to read it, I bottle things up and have wanted to talk to.someone for so long but just can't get the words out, its only when in this agitation I feel I can get out what's in my head. sorry.