Looking at the world around you

[blackbirdatglanmore]

Can anybody help?

I now realise I was pretty seriously mentally ill for a period of several years; there were dips and highs of course, but for the most part I was in a very bad way.

I made some huge changes last year (admittedly, some were forced on me rather than being a choice as such!) but I can tentatively say I've recovered. It's been such a strange journey but now I feel healed.

What I am finding hard though is looking at the world around me and seeing all the things I've missed whilst depressed, anxious and withdrawn. Looking at friends and the life I could have had. It wasn't my fault of course, but nonetheless, I feel sad.

I don't know if anybody has any useful nuggets of info for me - I have got plans for the future, I'm pleased and excited about them, yet I have missed out on so very much. In a way I feel like I am grieving - I am almost 33 and have missed out on my twenties, on a period that should have been joyful and carefree and fun (please don't start shouting that I am 'only' 33!)

I'd really appreciate some help with this x

I promise not to shout 'you're only 33' but know a lot of people who found their twenties really tough and weren't having half the wild carefree and adventurous time they appeared to be having.

And you can't undo the past. You couldn't have made better use of last year than to get yourself through a tough patch. You can look forward. Are there things you wish you'd done in your twenties? Is there any genuine reason why you can't do some of them now?

Not exactly - not things so much as people :) Relationships I haven't had, friendships I haven't had, experiences I haven't had. For instance, I have a friend who has a daughter four years younger than me. I see her life, filled with trips abroad skiing and beautiful holidays and nights out at lovely restaurants and it makes me ache in a way I can't fully explain.

Bizarrely I have been very successful career-wise in that time; this isn't a "money" post. I suppose at the heart of it all I feel quite lonely some of the time. This weekend for instance I have been very busy but it's been done in isolation. In some ways, through missing the 'normal' transition through adulthood I now find myself in this position of being and feeling very alone.

Blackbird, I believe that from where you are, your post feels really down, but from the outside, you sound really impressive. You know what is missing from your life. You have even built up a career which gives you the money to help you put some of it right.

There's no way to end loneliness quickly, but I truly believe all those things that make you ache with envy are indicators of what you feel might bring you deep happiness. Worth a shot.

I don't want to sound like I'm spouting agony aunt advice - but there must be novice singles ski-ing holidays out there - book one for yourself. Or an adventure holiday. Lots of people go alone and make good friends through the shared experiences. Sounds like you want these now. You could join a dining club, or if you live in London be really brave and join one of those clubs of people who have dinner parties for strangers.

I know it's not the same as having a close, warm circle of friends who invites you on these outings, but it's a start and could lead to exactly the sorts of relationships you most want and don't currently have.

Mmm I know what you mean - but it isn't the skiing or the adventures I want, really.

Thanks, though :)

I know it's not really. I suppose what I'm suggesting is that it's better to allow yourself to have something than to have nothing because what you really want seems out of reach.

It's so hard to move forward when you feel really down or have had a spell of being very ill. And that feeling of loneliness can feel impenetrable but chipping away at it might help.

The trouble is, life isnt perfect.
I knwo someone for instance who was very ill between the ages of 18 -24.
She sould have gone to uni,she had a place but couldnt go.
And in her case, although she has recovered to a degree, she still cant go.
So that is a major , probably lovely part of her life that she will never get. Not in the same way anyway.
But she is getting on with her life, from the point at which she now finds herself.

and really, that is all you can do.
Sort of try and make up for some things you have missed out on. And grieve if necessary. But dont then miss out of the part of your life that you do have.