Feeling like I have to compete and that I will always feel inadequate.

[FlanneryAnne]

I am fairly close to my parents and siblings in the respect that we get together regularly for birthdays and other occasions. We are all married with children. I come away from these get- togethers feeling really low and bad about myself.
The thing is, I always feel that as the youngest, I have always felt inadequate and ignored within the family. My husband and I are modest earners compared to the others and this makes me feel like a bit of a failure. Its pathetic to admit the way I feel sometimes and I can't admit it in RL which is why I am posting this. I feel like I am in competition with people that I will never be as good as. Its ridiculous that I still try to seek the approval of my parents who seem to not notice or give me positive feedback for my achievements in life. When it feels that the sun shines out of the arse of the eldest.
I know this sounds self indulgent and very childish. I am in my 30s. Why should I care how I am viewed by my family? Please help me get a grip.

But we are always our parents' children. That's why we revert to feeling more childlike when we're around them. How you feel is understandable and very normal, imo.

It's not easy to make yourself stop the comparisons and judgements. But you could maybe bolster yourself before a meet up with a list of things that you love about your life right now, things you're glad you do the way you do, so that you can see the others in your family with a bit more distance.

Also, if you know you feel wretched afterwards, make sure you have some sort of decompression zone time after meeting them. Sounds a bit crazy - but do something - like going to the cinema or going swimming - something that immediately takes away some of the physical stress of it.

It's not always possible to change how you feel, but you can deal with it and alleviate the symptoms by taking care of yourself.

I think it's a normal thing to feel, and I think most people secretly struggle with feelings of inadequacy on occasion. I don't think there are any easy answers. You could console yourself with the thought that sometimes feeling bad about yourself means you won't be smug and pleased with yourself, as some people are. You could also think about the people you most love and admire in your life: are they always high-achieving, beautiful, perfect people? I bet they aren't, and yet you still love and admire them.

The only other thing I can recommend is to be so involved and busy in your own life that you don't have too much time to dwell on what others have achieved or may be thinking.

While we were all treated well, growing up it always felt very obvious who everyone thought was the golden child. Elder child was seen to be the brightest, most witty, etc. I have 2 other siblings, who also are aware of this but not as acutely as me. Mother as well as Grandparents didn't really make a secret of this. As the youngest, I always felt a little ignored. I can remember certain things my mother used to do, such as berate me for my clumsiness (normal for a child) by saying "oh Flannery" in an exasperated manner. As if I was always a bit hopeless and flaky. Little things like, as well as me being quite a sensitive child most likely contributed to my low self esteem. My mother also had depression for years during my adolescence, and whilst my sibling got all the encouragement with school work during her teens, I had a mother who would spend all day in bed. I can remember going up to say Hello after school and being met with monosyllable grunts. It was all she could manage at times. I am not saying it was always like this, and my parents have always helped and supported me so much throughout my life. I just think that I have always carried this inferiority complex my whole life. I just long to break free from it.

Flannery - I've just started reading this. It's by a woman who admits she doesn't suffer from depression, but just wanted to feel happier, to accept herself more and to be happy on her won terms and no one else's. It sounds interesting. Literally just started it, but it could be worth a read. She suggests people set up their own happiness projects - finding out what it is you want to be, how you want to live, precisely on your own terms and no one else's. Sounds like a recipe for helping heal that inferiority complex.