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Original poster

I'm sitting here trying to hold it together

37 replies

muddleup · 07/06/2013 10:01

But I'm failing, I have to keep it together because there is people in sorting my house but I want to scream at them to get out but I can't.

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep and never wake up but that's not going to happen.
I know my kids need me but I don't see that as being enough anymore.

I don't have the words to say what's in my head, my support worker is busy and cpn is not about but even if they were I can't phone them as there is people in here and I have to keep it together.

I just want out :'(

OP posts:
Salbertina · 07/06/2013 10:11

Really sorry to hear that. Am not
here all day but there's always someone on MN who is, so keep posting. Baby steps. Your kids DO need you, no one can replace you! They are the best reason to carry on.

Can you lockbyourself away in a room and call the Samaritans?

Salbertina · 07/06/2013 10:14

Samaritans- 08457 909090

Or

[email protected]

Salbertina · 07/06/2013 10:16

Op, are you there????

Namechanger012345 · 07/06/2013 10:20

Also sorry to hear you are feeling this bad. if there are people around and are you can't phone, you can also email the Samaritans.

Do you have to be involved with the people in your house, can you just shut yourself away and sleep or try to find some calm?

Your kids do need you x

susiedaisy · 07/06/2013 10:21

Hi op can you get to a gp today? Keep trying your cpn.

Thinking of you, hang on in there Thanks

Salbertina · 07/06/2013 10:29

Op- pls post again. Getting bit worried. See you're in Paisley. Anyone near??

Original poster
muddleup · 07/06/2013 10:29

There is no where I can hide in here as they seem to need in every room to do things.
The work needs done but I'm struggling to cope with it all.
I' have too much going on in my head and I want it to go away.
If I get the house sorted then I can put my oldest sons name on the lease then he will have somewhere to live when I'm not here.

OP posts:
Salbertina · 07/06/2013 10:31

Your son needs YOU far more than a a blooming house, please hold onto that! Houses are replaceable. A mother is NOT replaceable!

Salbertina · 07/06/2013 10:33

Leave the house. Is there a park or somewhere nearby you can phone Samaritans from??

08457 909090 - someone is always there to listen

Original poster
muddleup · 07/06/2013 10:35

See I don't see that, I just see the longer I'm here the more damage I'm doing to him and his brother and sister.
They deserve better than I can ever give them.

OP posts:
Salbertina · 07/06/2013 10:44

The worst damage you could do is to leave them. They deserve you. You deserve them. You are clearly a caring mum who wants the help for your kids. Who also needs help. Please go out of the house to a quiet area/your car??? and call Samaritans.

Namechanger012345 · 07/06/2013 10:52

Salbertina is right. Your children need you even if you're not perfect you're their mum, they love you and need you and losing you would be completely devastating for them.

Do you have a good friend who could come over and be with you at the moment?

Original poster
muddleup · 07/06/2013 10:52

I can't leave them I by themselves I'm scared what they could do or touch indeed to know where they have been even though I don't think they will do anything the thoughts are still in my head.
If I go in my garden my neighbours will hear me
While the people are here I can't do anything so I guess I'm safe but I feel like shit and my mask that I thought was firmly on is slipping

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 07/06/2013 11:17

Don't leave your children behind they will love you no matter what, it's the depression talking not you, I know I've been there, and I'm so glad I didn't end things, my dc would of been beyond devastated, hang on in there and believe that this will pass, you don't have to do it alone,

Are you on any AD? They were my turning point tbh once they kicked in it was like a heavy veil had lifted.
Can anyone come round to stay with you?

Original poster
muddleup · 07/06/2013 11:27

I'm on anti depressants, anti psychotics, lithium, sleeping tablets as and when but I just don't want to be here.
I'm tired and sore and have just had enough

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 07/06/2013 12:00

(((( muddleup ))))
Could you go somewhere else and phone your support worker?

Original poster
muddleup · 07/06/2013 12:04

She's on a course today and my cpn doesnt work a Friday.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 07/06/2013 16:35

Hi muddleup. I think I may have been on a thread with you before, and pmed you a few months ago. You wouldnt recognise this name.

I looked back, and dicovered that you have these flare ups from time to time.
Do you think they are at all monthly? That your monthly cycle affects you in this way?

Original poster
muddleup · 07/06/2013 17:29

I had a hysterectomy 9 years ago so I don't have periods anymore.
I don't no what triggers them and yes I guess since I'm still here I must get through it, but as each one comes I'm more drained and weird and I guess hope this will be the last one, that I won't make it and will be at peace.
I feel like I'm being punished, everything feels like a sign that I shouldn't be here and I'm letting them down by still breathing.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 07/06/2013 18:13

[hugs]
Might it be worth making a note of when these episodes occur, just to see if there is any pattern to them, or a trigger?

You are so not letting anyone down, that is just the illness talking.
The signs too are the illness talking.

Is there something on your mind that you think you are being punished for?

susiedaisy · 08/06/2013 13:15

How are you today op?

Original poster
muddleup · 08/06/2013 21:50

Not sure how I am feeling today, think I've over done the crying, my head is sore my eyes are all swollen and I'm trying my hardest not to take any painkillers as I don't think I could be trusted not to just keep adding them to the water.

My friend is not long away but I couldn't tell her how I was feeling just seems so stupid and pointless saying anything.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 08/06/2013 22:07

Hi there been thinking if you, I can relate to your reluctance to share your feelings I did the same with my awful marriage and then my depression anxiety and horrible black thoughts, but on my gps advice I started to share things with just a couple of close friends and family and it was very cathartic, people can be very kind and caring when they see genuine distress in someone close, try to share your feelings if you can, I also found counselling helped as well,

Have you been offered counselling and/or cbt by your g?p I know they can be reluctant because of budgets but it is there!

Original poster
muddleup · 08/06/2013 22:20

I have been seeing a psychologist for a few years but she went off sick last year and I have only just started seeing someone new and I'm really struggling with it.
I don't want to keep breathing, I just exist just now, taking up space someone else could have.
It's just too hard

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 09/06/2013 22:18

oh honey, i am so sorry you feel this way, just wanted to say that im thinking of you. how old are your children?