Year and a half ago I moved to a new area with my 11 year old DS. I moved because of a new job and the opportunities I will bring in improving my career prospects. I had a BF but split with him last November after 3 years. I've realised at the time that it wasn't for me. Unfortunately, i think at the time of moving I had a 'rose tinted glasses' on and chose a village location and a 3 bed house hoping that we could start a family together. He was travelling every weekend. Didn't work out. But I have ended up feeling totally isolated, stressed in work - huge workload, pressure etc. Total luck of support network and struggling to cope on my own. My BF have stayed in the background wanting for us to get back together but I've stayed strong and determined to move on despite personal difficulties. However, in March this year I was told that the house I am renting is up for sale and it got sold a month ago. I have to move out by the end of June. Since then, I've ended up getting back together with an ex. Mostly because of feelings of desperation and hoping he could help. Things were going down hill for me for a long time but really took turn for the worth in March, when I ended up suffering from all kind of illnesses, from heart palpitations to colds, flu, allergies, lack of energy, lack of sleep.. You name it. Took time off work, which made things even worth and still at a point where I couldn't sort the mess out from the backlog in March. Totally stressed in work. Totally stressed at home. I have always considered myself to be a strong, fearless, positive person. Very ambitious and a high achiever. Now I am at a point where I feel totally exhausted all the time and struggling to motivate myself. My GP wanted to prescribe AD's back in March but I refused as dont believe in them and didn't believe I could possibly suffer from depression. I now think I was in denial. Knowing myself and my abilities I find it shocking that I just can't pick myself up. In fact I am sinking deeper and deeper. I am scared for the future as have to move out but can't make a decision as to what to do. I am struggling financially. In an effort to improve things I've applied for a better paid and a more senior and interesting post closer to London and have an interview at the end of June. I want the job but scared that a move to yet another unfamiliar area might make things worth. But it can improve things also. I have friends back where I used to live and a property but no job there and limited career prospects. My BF wants me to live with him and claims he is committed, although so far I have not seen any actions or efforts to really provide any practical help. He rents a room and yet even after saying that he wants us to live together he did not make any effort to organise anything for us to live together. In fact, from what I've seen so far, he has always struggled financially, borrowing a lot of money from me etc. When confronted, he states that he couldn't do anything because I am not sure what I want!
I really need to get moving, prepare for the interview, pack, sort out final bills, storage etc. I can't make a decision though. I am now hating the job I am in and feel like I am ready to pack it in but I can't rely on the BF. In fact I think he is probably a part of the problem now, because it confuses me in terms of responsibility and ongoing hope that he would somehow rescue me. However, I do not feel strong enough to do anything about it. I also realise that now is not a good time to make decisions, due to the way I feel. I am thinking of putting things into storage for a couple of months untill I know what to do, hoping that the time will show. But I dread going back to work (been off for a couple of weeks). I feel under pressure to perform well at work though, as will need a good reference.
I am beginning to resent myself even, for being so weak and not getting on with it, not dumping the BF, not being able to make the decision, not pulling myself out of this. I am also feeling guilty because I feel like I am neglecting my DS, not having energy to do much with him or spend quality time together. I don't want to be a burden on my friends, who I only speak to on the phone. Always looked after myself well but now neglecting my appearance, my self esteem has hit rock bottom I think.
Felt really low yesterday and ended up taking depression tests on line. Scored 'severe depression' on all and felt even more distressed but also somewhat releaved... Got an app with GP this PM but not sure what he could advise.. Writing this makes me feel like I am at a dead end... Any advice out there???