Husband Depressed

[Penny2012]

My husband of 5 years has been suffering with depression throughout his life. He has finally sought help from GP and has been prescribed citaloptam anti depressant. In his recent episode he is emotionally numb and has said he doesn't not feel he loves me and that he feels no love for our 9 month old son. His has always been incapable of feeling joy for anything. Has anyone else got experience of being married to someone with moderate - severe depression issues and did medication help? The recent damage to our relationship has been significant. He currently believes that our whole relationship has been a coping strategy for him and that he does not feel he loves me. Whilst that may be the illness talking, it's very hard to deal with. He is currently very frightened and vulnerable. As this has come to a head, I finally feel I can admit how much I have been struggling being married to him and how joyless and flat our life together is. I've never questioned my love for him and have always done everything I can to look after him, but I'm basically his cater, not really his wife. Looking back, he's never been able to show me love in any real way. Anyone been here? Any points of view or advice really welcome xx

How long has your husband been taking the Citalopram? It can take a few weeks to start feeling the effect. Once it's working for him and he's further down the road to recovery, then after a while it will become clearer what was "the illness talking" as the negative symptoms lift. And I'm sure he will hugely value your love and support, even if his illness means he's unable to let you know this just now.

Thank you he started taking them today x

Hi Penny, sorry to hear about your husband, and I know how hard it is being the wife in that situation. My DH was severely depressed last year. Finally went to the Doc in Sep and was prescribed Sertraline (another AD), that combined with several months of CBT see him now transformed. IME depressed people don't always speak the truth, so if you can hang in there until he is improved a bit there is always the potential for couples counselling to help your relationships if that's what you want to do. Do take care of yourself though, hoping you've got at least 1 person in real life you can be open with.

Hey. I have had recalcitrant depression and meds made me into a different person - calm, relaxed and happy. He may get worse initially as the drugs settle in. Wait for 6 weeks and you should see a big improvement.

Oh, and my DH always felt like my carer. We have reclaimed our equality and our marriage is fab.

Thank you peachpips. You are giving me some hope. DH seems so convinced that our marriage was built upon his illness that I feel like we're just waiting for the fun of depression to lift so that we can break up with clear heads... I need a magic wand.

No experience.
But I would definitely suggest that you wait [hard I know], as peachypips says.
Depression make thoughts go haywire, so it is the least good time to try and make any life changes at all.

He is speaking through the lens of the illness. When I have a bad patch everything is bad; I am a bad mum, etc etc.
When he is back to himself start rebuilding ur relationship. Go out on your own a couple of times a week on dates, cuddle etc.
keep in touch and let us know how things go. Hang in there.

Hello, a few weeks ago I posted (at length!) about my experience with my partner who suffers intermittently from depression.

I won't repeat all that I said then cos this is your thread but if you can find it will give you an idea of what we have been through.

I just want to tell you that I understand how difficult this is for you and agree with what the other posters have said. I am coming to understand that when someone is depressed they really do feel utterly hopeless and joyless. That sounds ridiculous - of course they do! But it's taken a long time for me to really believe it.

The fact that your husband has gone to get some ADs is fantastic.

As hard as it is to do try to ignore his hurtful, negative and irrational words because it really is the illness speaking. Give it some time and then think about what you want to do.

My dp's depression has lifted and he is a completely different person now. For reasons I won't go into for fear of outing myself he is having to look after me at the moment and he could not be kinder or more loving. Five years ago he appeared to hate me, informed me he wondered if he had ever loved me and that there was nothing, in life to feel joyful about-coincidentally I think our son was about nine months old when he told me that.

Take care of yourself and focus on enjoying your lovely baby.

harrap, that is one of best and most uplifting posts I have ever read on Mumsnet!

I dont suppose you would repost it on chat would you?

Why thank you Ilike what a lovely thing to say. I'm happy to repost and will have a try, I guess I can copy and paste and add an explanation for what it's doing there.

I really think it would be helpful to have a thread for those with partners living with mental illness.

Penny -sorry- again this is not supposed to be about me-I really hope and expect things will get better for you.

Great harrap.

Not an interruption! Very welcome comments and delighted with that, thank you!! I'm off to search for your post... Xxxx