Teenage daughter's ongoing anxiety

[Fairygen]

My DD, now 14 yo, has suffered from anxiety for about 8 years. In the past the episodes have only lasted a few months and she has recovered after seeing a psychologist.

Since she has got older, she has refused to talk to anyone. For the past 2 years she has been home educated, as she was so anxious she couldn't/wouldn't go to school. She seems to have totally cut herself off from the world, and would happily stay at home 24/7. She will walk the dog with me, visit relatives nearby and goes to one shop in our town.

I try to encourage her to do more but just get a 'mmm maybe' response, which basically means no. If I push things too much it ends in a row. She quite often watches me getting ready to go out, won't get ready and does what she can to stall things, then at the last min says she can't do it.

We had booked to go abroad a couple of years ago. The airport was 5 hours away and we had a real struggle to get her there. In the morning she wouldn't leave the hotel and when we (eventually) got her to the airport,she couldn't get on the plane

I've spoken to my GP on numerous occasions, who has told me there is nothing they can do because she won't speak to anyone.

I'm so worried about her future, she's studying for her GCSE's but I know there is no way she'll go to the venue to sit them!! She is missing out on so much. She speaks to old school friends on FB but has no real friends.

I am a single parent, so often feel alone and helpless. I've slowly drifted away from my friends, had to give up work etc.

I'm hoping that someone will a suggestion of something we could try, to help her. I have bought her books, but she doesn't read them. It's as if she's scared to acknowledge the anxiety, because then she'll have to face it.

TBH, I've had enough of it now, we need to get our lives back!!

Oh dear, you sound so worried. My DD (17) has anxiety but not to the extent that you have described. I don't think anyone really understands anxiety unless they or someone close to them has it, and that is a lot of the problem.

Could you try a different gp in your surgery? There is counselling that is available on the NHS which a helpful gp could put you in touch with. Once your DD starts to get some proper help, it could set her in the right direction for both of you to feel a bit better.

Does your DD feel like she is the only one who suffers like this? At 14 she might be embarrassed by it and as she is home-schooled doesn't have others around her who can emphasise. It sounds awful but my DD has drawn some comfort knowing that there are others in her year who feel like she does - I am astonished that it is such a common problem.

Good luck, I hope that helps a little.

is it ok to slip into your thread? I also have an anxious 14yo, we have been trying lower key stuff with primary CAMHS workers but they want to refer us to actual CAMHS - my gp isn't keen on that, I can see the potential harms but am almost desperate enough to see past them.

I think I'd like someone to work with us or even just me on the way we communicate - at the moment if she has a meltdown I think 'argh fuck this shit' although try to talk about it later

we did go to a group which was helpful though, at least my daughter found it helpful but it was only six sessions - is there anything like that near you? It was run by some partnership between health and education locally

Have you see MaryZ's troubled teens thread in teenagers? It is providing ongoing support for parents who are going through similar issues.

I'll be back with a link soon, I hope.

Here it is:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1648434-MaryZs-support-thread-for-parents-of-troubled-teenagers-Part-2-heres-to-a-peaceful-2013

Does she have some particular interests or hobbies? Would she be willing to join in something with other young people who are interested in the same things, rather than a random selection of people at a school?

This is so very sad.

It's bad enough suffering anxiety as an adult but as a young teenager that is just terrible. I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for two years. The hard thing is that once you start to isolate yourself it becomes very difficult to begin to do anything.

I know that my family have felt helpless with my recovery. There is a fine line between encouraging and frustration when we can't do things.

From my experience with this illness I would suggest therapy. Cbt on nhs, group therapy, one to one, anything and everything that your gp can offer.
Push for help.

I have spent a fortune on treatments ranging from hypnotherapy, acupuncture, books, CDs, psychologist, massage, linden method, panic away. You name it I've tried it.

The best things for me are relaxation, mindfulness, THERAPY. I am on the lowest dosage of anti dep medication and will not up the dosage.

Encourage your daughter to get out every day even if she only puts her shoes on and steps outside. Exercise has been beneficial to many sufferers.

I really do wish you lots of luck.

That's a tough one, there is help out there but I don't know how you can persuade your dd to access it.

My 13yo suffers terribly with anxiety (she has Aspergers) but she hates it and will accept support. CBT was helpful but that was for a specific health anxiety.

I too am a single parent and second your feelings of loneliness and helplessness

Thank you all for your advice. My main problem is her unwillingness to accept the help that's out there.

elquota yes, she has loads of hobbies (mainly crafty) but there really aren't any clubs etc in our area. She used to go to girls brigade, but won't go now. I've even said I'll go with her! She loves swimming, but again, won't go even at 6 am when I know it'll be quiet!

I'm hoping that soon she'll realise she's wasting her life, and start facing things.

Unbelievably, we have a pretty happy life. We do a lot of cooking, jewellery making, gardening etc and we spend the weekends with family, so it's not all doom and gloom!!

mitchy I have had some help from CAMHS, with mixed results. The woman came to our house and chatted with DD. She (DD) sat there saying 'yes, ok, mmm', and I knew she wouldn't follow through with it. I'm sure the techniques would have worked.

I think the key to it is wanting to get better enough that you're willing to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. My DD wants to get better, but isn't willing to face it, which is the only way.

Could it be that the suggested steps still seem too overwhelming? Would there be some way of breaking them down even further into smaller steps, so that at least there is a little progress even if it's very gradual?

I break everything down into really small outings and try to make it as stress free as poss. She also knows that wherever we are, we can leave if she needs to.Every week can be completely different. Some weeks she'll make really great progress, doing little things every day. Then the next few days she could refuse to do anything, putting us right back.Tbh I can't remember the last time she had a full blown panic attack, it's the fear of having one that stops her from doing things

It can be really frustrating, but I tend to look at the bigger time scale, thinking that compared to this time 6 months ago/last year she has made progress

That sounds really difficult for both of you, Fairygen.

I know you said your DD won't engage with CAMHS etc, but would she try online stuff she can do herself? I think there's a website called mood gym, and there's one for an Australian site for the Centre for Clinical interventions (CCI) which has really good free workbooks.

The other thing I'd suggest is trying to find out if your LA offer online learning - I know someone who accessed online lessons and it was a good way to get back into learning.

I have anxiety which at points can get put of hand. It's take me time to find coping strategies that work for me. I also averse fused to engage with professionals as I e found my own way of coping and I'd rather stick with that.

I do lists on big sheets of paper on the wall. Some days I've to put basics on the list - have shower, ring mum, make pie for dinner. Other days I can put more challenging things on- go to toddler group, ring the bank etc. some days I don't even need the lists. The biggest help for me has been that DP has backed off, doesn't comment on the lists and accepts a day where I barely manage to have a shower as just as normal as a day where've got the bus into town and ticked off a list of jobs.

When I feel ready I know I will go to the GPs a frequent counselling but for now this is who I am and this is how I'm coping. Your DD needs to learn to own her feelings and otbe afraid of the anxiety. It's not a bad thing, she's not crazy or unwell or any other stigmatising words. She's different and that makes her unique and you love her for who she is. That attitude from DP helped me take control of this for the first time in 15years

I hope that may help a little or maybe I off the mark but wanted to share my experience.

Sorry for typos, wrestling an excited toddler!

Thanks, it's good to hear people's experiences. I try to understand, but it's hard when I haven't felt it myself.

I have suffered from anxiety on and off and it does hamper my social life. I don't worry any more if I miss out on things to be honest - feeling safe is more important to me.

However, I have worked to increase the number of 'safe' places where I feel ok. I also had Cbt and human givens therapy (which I really recommend), both of which helped me feel in control.

I wouldn't see it as one step forward and one step back though - it might not feel like that to her. It's more about good days and bad and trying to work around it? I hope that makes sense.

Can she get online help - that helps me a lot. I have a friend in a similar situation to me -obviously we find it difficult to actually meet- but we text and email and FB and encourage each other to push our boundaries a bit and laugh together when we can't.

I was a anxious 14 year old! hated school, would get off the bus and run home, didn't want to go places with friends etc. Everything scared me.

I think it would really benefit her to speak to others who have been in her situation and come out the other end. Look at sites like 'get self help' for advice. Maybe sit together and write down all her fears and then you can take small steps to conquer them. For example if she is scared of going to a friends house, perhaps invite a friend to your house, the time after meet them in the park and the time after collect the friend from their house, the time after perhaps go into the friend's house for a few mins etc. Baby steps, nothing too dramatic too soon. The get self help website will give you tips on how to cope with panic attacks so she can start to learn to deal with the anxious feelings she gets when she is out of her comfort zone.

Does she understand her anxiety? that might help if she understands it's normal to feel like she does and she wont come to any harm from panicking etc

Just had a look a those links recommended by others, and thought I'd add them as links:

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/

www.hgi.org.uk/

There seems to be a lot of help out there, if she will accept it.

You say you both see various family members. Could any of them persuade her to seek help, or perhaps they would be willing to accompany her on a short outing?

I sort of have loads of questions.
But perhaps for now I will just do a couple.

What is afraid of specifically?
She goes out the house, she walks the dog with you, she sees nearby realtives.

Do you think something triggered her when she was about 6 years old?

Please google and ask your GP about the fear fighter online programme