I'm not well and the relationship with my son is really suffering

[OneSickOctonaut]

I'm a regular, but have namechanged for this.. I have been depressive and had different eating disorders throughout the most of my life. I had PND after the birth of my son 3.5 years ago, and have very recently come off the citalopram I was given, as pills have never had much of a effect in my mind and I though I had been stable for a long time. However I'm now thinking that it might benefit me to get back on the citalopram after all, since I've taken a turn for the worse.

My son is really testing me right now. He does NOTHING willingly. Everything is a struggle, and he NEVER listens. It has become increasingly hard, if not impossible, for me to control my anger and frustration when dealing with him. I often end up screaming at him, handling him rougher than I would like or throwing objects (e.g. if he has got a dummy in his mouth during the day, even though he knows he is only allowed them for sleeps, and if he doesn't surrender it willingly I will just yank it out of his mouth and throw it across the room) and the like. DH is around most of the day and supportive, but he is self-employed, so needs time to work alone in his office for many hours each day. DS has now started saying that he wants his daddy and cries if DH goes out of the house for a meeting. DS categorically doesn't want anything to do with me.

It stands to reason that DS hates me because I'm always telling him off and snapping at him. I must be quite scary sometimes. DH can be a lot calmer (but I think I would be as well, in his position, not having to spend most of the day with DS, being the "bad guy"). On top of snapping at DS I now also ignore him quite a lot and don't engage with him as much as I've done, because I feel so resentful. Why should I be nice to DS, if he's not nice to me? I just look forward to bedtime from the morning forwards. I know this is VERY irrational and DS is just a child, incapable of scheming to break me, but it doesn't help.

DS has been going to pre-school for the last 2 weeks, and I've loved having a couple of hours off every day to myself, but now he has come down with a very bad cough (although is fine otherwise) and put on antibiotics. GP also said that he shouldn't go to school for at least 4 days, until the antibiotics work. That was the last straw for me. Took to my bed feeling totally defeated for most of today while DH looked after DS. I can't face another day with DS. I hate myself for being such a shit mother. I really coudn't be much worse..

I was thinking that a bit of framework for handling his behaviour would be useful and also DS likes being in control and knowing what's going to happen next, so I thought I'd do the marble jar reward thing for good behaviour, but came unstuck at thinking what behaviours he should get a marble for and how specific I should get with his daily schedule, so I just lost it and threw my pen and paper into the corner while screaming like a mad woman. The smallest thing I can't do. Everything feels like too much. Trying to do the chart and failing broke the camel's back. Also I screeched at DH to "fuck off and disappear" I need help, please! And sorry. I know I'm being a really spoiled shit.

Forgot to say that my bulimia is back as well.. Have been binging and purging almost every day for weeks. I hate how I look and want to lose weight, but the stress makes me binge. I fully know what makes me do it and how it works, but it doesn't help.

Hi. Marble in jar or sticker chart sounds great idea. Friends swear by them. Could you phone your health visitor up for some reassurance?

I know many parents who long for school but that does not help you I know. Do you have any family you can meet up with in coming days for

We don't have any family close or friends for that matter. Only one friend, but can't meet up with her and her ds now that DS is possibly contageous..

Can you get an appointment with your GP in the morning? When did you come off the citalopram, was it a gradual withdrawal? I think its hard to have a parent working at home, for he other parent, i always found that my DD used to pester daddy all the time if he was home working in the shed. She has grown out of it now.

Will your DS watch a DVD? could you have a bit of a duvet day tomorrow and sit and watch films together while you mnet?

I think first you should go and see your GP to discuss getting back on medication- there clearly is a connection between you coming off them and feeling worse recently.
It is very difficult dealing with a young child, especially if they are feisty by nature, when you're not well( and even when you are well the boredom, the monotony, the constant demands, the refusal to do as they're told are hard). Don't beat yourself up about it but do try to find a solution, so doctor re meds and then when you feel better you can think about how to improve the way you react to your DS's behaviour.

I think I will call GP tomorrow. Although do have some meds left here, so could start taking them now. Did a proper gradual withdrawal as adviced by GP.

Trying hard to think about the behaviour and activity charts now. I think it will make me feel a bit more in control.

DS still isn't porry trained (not interested either) and a fussy eater, as well. Sometimes I think that if they'd wanted to design a child most likely to wind me up it would be DS. He does sleep through now since Octoberish, so should be happy about that, I guess. Just feels like a hard slog and I'm embarrassed about how shit a job I'm doing. DS really would be much better off without me, but DH needs to get his business off the ground desperately, otherwise we will be fucked, so he needs a childcare slave.

Just realised I didn't thank you guys! Thank you so much everyone. I really, really needed to talk. Just deflating to know that going to the GP is not going to result in any help apart from more ADs. Don't necessarily want to confess about bulimia, because am looking to change careers and don't want anything to stand in my way (it's a health-care related career). Anyway, have had lots of treatment for it, and it didn't help. Down to me to tackle it when and if I feel better.

Tempted by DGM's leftover Xanax to take me through the next few days until DS can go to preschool again. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

LEMis: DS already watched too much telly, but I guess it's better than me raging at him.. He doesn't sit still long, though. But wants the TV on in the background. Maybe he will let me sit on the sofa under a duvet. Most likely he will scream and demand I go away and daddy come back (DH gets up with him and looks after him for the first 2 hours or so). And that will make me feel really shit, so I will scream at him to shut up, because daddy is trying to work and he better accept that it's me looking after him now..

I really think you need some extra support here Octonaut. Some children are more challenging than others < I know, I have one>.

It's very difficult once you get into the cycle of them kicking off/you getting angry etc.

I think you have an awful lot on your plate. Aside from the GP stuff, is there any parenting support you can access?

You're not doing a bad job at being a mother, you're facing very difficult circumstances and wisely asking for advice. x

I'm not sure there is much support for parents here that wouldn't be of the patronising type. The HV, I suppose. I don't like her, though.

This struck a chord with me. 3.5 was hell with my son, his "robust" personality really came to the fore at that age and I behaved in plenty of er... "dysfunctional" ways. You've got a lot on your plate with a toddler, thinking about changing jobs etc.

I'd go back on the citalopram if were you and if you need the odd tranquiliser to get you through this hideous time ask for some diazepam too. At times I have found just knowing there's some "emergency valium" in the house is a comfort. I've asked for some about 4 times in my life and have found it so helpful during times of particular stress when I found it virtually impossible to shut my brain down in any other way.

Sometimes our brains need a break and sometimes a chemical can do the job very efficiently, and I think just remembering what feeling calm is like, even if that calmness comes from an "artificial source" might help to break the cycle Elderflower refers to.

My DP was fairly absent when DS was a toddler (work and other issues) and I did the bulk of the nitty-gritty parenting. I'm not ashamed to say I put my DS in a nursery for longer than was strictly necessary so didn't lose it completely.

Whatever you do try not to beat yourself up-looking after a strong willed toddler on your own for long stretches of time is just really, really hard.

Thanks for your reply, harrap!

I feel a bit better now. For some reason even DS has chilled out a bit (he probably feeds off my tension). I have been occasionally using codeine and ibuprofen tablets to treat my tension headaches and those make me feel more chilled. I have now started taking citalopram (20mg) again. I find it hard to ask for tranquillisers from gp, because they never want to give them, unless you're there in front of them sobbing your eyes off and threatening suicide. I also don't want to confess to losing my cool with DS, because I'm sacred of going on some kind of SS watch list. Also I am wanting to switch careers and start studying for a health-care related degree next year, so don't want to ruin my chances of appearing suitable..

I do wish the nursery days would be a bit longer (only 2.5 hours a day here in Scotland).

I think a big contributing factor to my depression is the break-up I recently had with my best friend. She turned nasty and judgemental on me. She has a DC the same age as my DS, and she was constantly telling me that I was doing things wrong and DS was insufferable (he really wasn't, just a bit whingier and grumpier, and less eloquent than her dc, certainly not violent or anything like that, and I would always try to address any snatching etc.). Made me feel like the shittest mum with the shittest child on earth. But she is generally very negative and gearing for a fight/debate about absolutely everything, whereas I'm more willing to live and let live, so I've decided to stay away from her.

The (unofficial, we are still FB "friends" although don't communicate on there) break-up really hurt me at the time, and I'm still grieving for the relationship and fearing bumping into her in town. Plus her DC is my "god-child" so I'm now facing a dilemma about whether to send gifts for birthdays or not, etc.

Oh yes the unsolicited parenting advice from a "friend"-I had that too. My friend's son was/is a paragon, in his mother's eyes at least. Very different personality to my boy and my friend sets great store in perfect behaviour and sees herself as something of a parenting guru.

It took me years, to work out that that under the guise of support she was undermining me and making me feel just awful about myself and my "high energy" boy.

I'd end up snapping at my son just because I felt so tense around her waiting for the next show of defiance etc from ds. I haven't "formally" broken up with her but I had to stop spending time with her and we used to spend a lot of time together. I still see her in the street quite a lot and it has been rather awkward, but now that I have worked out fully what was going on, heard exactly the same tale from a mutual friend-and I am ashamed to say- seen that her son is not quite the little darling he was at 3.5, I'm able to be more relaxed around her. I'm tempted to explain what went wrong between us because I think she's oblivious but I'm a bit of a coward.

Being your friend's child's god mother is even more awkward but I think once this difficult time has passed you will feel able to graciously send cards and exchange pleasantries. Prepare some sort of anodyne greeting for when you bump into each other.

Dealing with the loss of your friendship is just one more stress on top of the others so again don't be hard on yourself. Looking back it was crazy of me to expect anything more of myself than just getting through the day without being carted off.

Oh, harrap, your frenemy situation was identical to mine! It's good to know I'm not the only one this has happened to (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone IYSWIM). My friend with her intolerant guru attitude really made me lose my confidence, but I'm slowly recovering. I hope DS turns out ok. He has his sweet and lovely moments, so I think there is hope. Thanks for the pat in the back! If you don't mind me asking, when did your ds come out of his terrible threes?

When he was about 21!

No sorry he is 6.5 now. Looking back I think 2-4 were the hardest and I have to be honest and say that he is still hard work at times but he has been much, much easier for the past year.

He undoubtedly has a strong personality and he does need a lot of energy-even his doting aunties say that. But along with his strength comes resilience and fun and he is a very straight forward boy. He's never mean and doesn't have to be right or best at everything and I love that in him. Your son will be fine, correction your son is fine-he's just 3.5.

You are very welcome to a pat on the back. Keep up the good fight!