Can't move on from shame about past

[lastmalteserinthepacket]

Hi, I have lurked here for a while but not been able to pluck up courage to speak. Have been very depressed/anxious for many years. Sometimes had therapy, mainly try to self manage with exercise, diet, structure etc.

Have lost lots of relationships over the years. (Not romantic - have been with partner for a decade. We have good relationship, I know I am lucky, many people don't have even that). Some of them were abusive relationships and I was too late to see that. Some of them were good but things went wrong and I couldn't sort them out.

I think some of the problem was my depression but the main problem is that I just am not wanted. This sounds pathetic, I know. I've worked really hard on being the sort of person people would like to be around. But it's not working.

I just feel so ashamed, that I can't keep people in my life. I think I am grieving for the losses. I have accepted that there is something wrong with me but can't change it, whatever I try. I've got to the point where I don't want to try anymore. The sadness is just overwhelming. I am seeing crisis team at moment because am not taking proper care of myself. Feel I don't deserve that care when I am not acceptable.

Sorry I hope this makes sense. I know I am lucky to have a partner but when everything else is broken, it is hard to keep going.

Can't offer any advice ,but can offer a listening ear and handholding .

That sounds incredibly hard but you are on the right track knowing that you need to ask for help. And please believe that you deserve to have help.

I certainly believe that you deserve help and support. Depression is an awful illness, not of your making, and it is fine to focus on yourself and your own needs for a while.

I think a lot of people will sympathise with how you are feeling - you are not alone.

That sounds really hard and I think you could benefit from speaking to a counsellor. You can find someone near you by googling the counselling directory.

I suggest this because we all have failed and lost relationships but this is effecting you really badly.

Good luck!

Please don't feel ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Everybody has so much going on in their lives and I am sure no one has made a conscious decision to 'defriend' you or anything! People come into your life and go out again, someone else will come along and eventually go as well! I think the only problem that you have is that you are thinking about this way too much.

I second the suggestion of counselling. Please don't think I am being patronising or minimising how you feel. I have suffered from depression and anxiety, oh and loneliness too, for years (not helped by my STBXH) and I know it is hard to appreciate a situation when you are so embroiled in it. Discussing it with a counsellor may well help you appreciate that there is a lot of good stuff going on too :)

helpful link

ry reading this, made a lot of sense for me

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm sorry for the gap, it took courage to even come back to this page. Thank you for not judging me.
I can't bear to look in the mirror or hear my voice aloud some days.

Do other people go through this, I mean failed relationships? I am not trying to pry, really, I just don't know what 'normal' relationships are like. I know I can't sustain the kind of long-lasting, intimate, large group of confidants you see in adverts.

I find the summer very difficult because you see all these people out in groups, laughing and relaxed. I feel like an alien sometimes.

I am going to re-read what you have all said and try to let myself feel it properly.

Ps moosie thank you for the link as well - that describes me exactly
I agree yes I need to look at this properly in counselling.
Thanks everyone

Oh God, yes, those awful adverts where groups of women fall about laughing in sofa shops or giggling around air fresheners ... Thank god it's not real!

You only have to be on MN a short while to read about vast numbers of people who find relationships with their family and friends to be terribly difficult and stressful. It's quite liberating in a way to realise it's perfectly normal to be Not An Advert.

You sound fine to me.

Thank you LineRunner. You are lovely.

That's a sweet thing to say. Thanks you

How's things today? I am staring at a patch of brambles in the garden, waiting for a bout of gardening enthusiasm to come upon me.

Did the thought translate into gardening action? ;-)

Sorry about gap. Yesterday a hard day, I was finding it hard to control the thoughts. I think it's actually a form of self punishment, the constant replaying of conversations and endings. When it's so intense I can't go online.

Today I did manage to get into the forest near our home - I find nature very soothing.

You seem to have very good understanding of these things, Runner. May I ask, without prying or outing yourself, is this from your own exp?

Oh yes, I've had periods of depression since I was a teenager. I am much, much better at dealing with it these days (I have hit 50!) because I know it will get better and I will get through it.

I learned the simplest little trick years ago btw about negative thoughts that go into a loop - you just think NO (like you shout it in your head) and move on to a different thought. I know it sound a bit CBT-lite, but it has helped me.

I'm still staring at those brambles but I went to work instead and I enjoyed it. I like work because I engage with people and we all rub along, I guess.