Taking pills that aren't mine .... hopeless

[BigLippedMumma]

I don't even know where to start. But long story short I have NO idea what's wrong with me completely... Since I was 7, I've been in & out of therapists/physiologists etc, and now been re-directed to a councillor while being prescribed anti-depressants that I wrongly don't take ...
I've been told I have bipolar & personality disorder, now they want to review that. I've also been told I have this blockage system in my head. That when tragic, horrible things happen, it doesn't affect me. It's like I can just moveon, not have the flashbacks or nightmares. I swear nothing gets to me. And I've been through a lot to.
My OH has got severe disability in the back, and the past 2years I've found myself taking their medication. It started of with DF's (can't remember the actual name) , then sleepers, then Tramadol (Zamadol) now Morphine. They used to help me sleep, I've always found it hard to, but now I'm just wide awake. All the time. This is my 5th night of watching s**t tv , well I would say watching but I'm not. I'm staring & walking up & down.
This is the first time I have EVER said this to any one, out loud. It's not because I'm ashamed strangely enough, its ... I don't know. I just enjoy taking these pills. I don't even know why I'm writing this, its taken me an hour or so just to get to this line. I don't know if I'm doing my MH any favours in the long run, but in the short term its great for me. That's how I feel. Like my mind can shut off, for once. Because it runs all the time, I never think about my past, but the worry of money & bills etc play constantly.
Oh god, I sound so messed up. Good luck to my councillor I suppose....

Omfg, are you me?
Except the pain pills are mine...otherwise it's remarkably uncanny.
I have nothing useful to say because I'm the same.
All I'm hoping is that the counselling helps with the anxiety, everything else I can deal with but the constant anxiety about money when I can only deal with what is inevitable is no way to live.
I hope you find some help with it too.
I suppose one plus is I'm much better at trivia questions now because of so much history channel.

So I'm not alone? Apart from the pills obviously...
My life is now the Animal planet channel. I must know everything about lions, hyenas, antelope, elephants & even the wildebeests travels...
I hope you find help too. I don't hold out much hope for my councillor. I don't hold out much hope for anyone helping me ...
Maybe I'm programmed this way? I've been trying to figure out why. People find it easy to explain, I find it hard , confusing & sometimes I contradict myself....

Certainly not alone.

Sorry for the delay, dc wanted feeding & playing with

There seems to be such a disjointed approach to mh, firefighting issues with blocks of various therapies until the allocation ends regardless of what is going on with the problem.
I've also been sat in front of counsellors who have no idea what to do because I don't have 'just' depression but complex tangles of issues & coping strategies due to an abusive childhood, that was terribly middle class, and I don't fit in their box.
As you say, we are human & sometimes feel contradictory things, confusion, despair - things that make it hard to communicate how you feel (well, I don't know how I feel!) to someone else. If they don't really know what to do it feels a bit hopeless.
But I have decided I'm taking all the help I can claw out of them and putting the problem on their shoulders - they are the professionals so it's not up to me to work this out & present them with a solution, it's the other way round surely!
So I'm making myself work with them and keep going.
I think I've finally accepted that I will always have to work hard to be functional, I'll never get a pass and just wake up happy but at least I can get used to that instead of hoping I'll be fixed one day.
It's not perfect, but it might do & anything is better than here.
I might start watching animal planet, looks much more interesting than what I currently look at!

I think it would be so much easier to the 'professionals' if they could just label it as depression. Put us in a box and be done, stacked up on pills with fingers crossed and countless repeat prescriptions. But then that wouldbe so much easier for us/me too.
They ask how you feel. But like you, I don't know. I just don't know. It's not easy to just spill out things, to help with their jobs, when its obviously deeper rooted than anyone can imagine.
I find it hard, because I'm young. It's like a label. If I was in my 30's, they probably would believe(?) Me more than they do now. I know its hard for them to do their job, when its very easy to cry depression nowadays. Getting a pack of AD is easier than getting other treatments. And I think that's why I haven't taken it any further before. Because I'm paranoid they will think I'm lying.
I'm going to take their help too. My time is up of wearing a mask all the time. I feel like its my time to get help. I just hope things start getting better. Other wise my reliance on pain killers is most probably going to get worse. When I take them, I can sleep & I feel so much better, whether that's in my head also I just don't know.
Oh yes. Would advise animal planet. I spent 4 hours early hours this morning watching RSPCA cases in Australia. Keeps me entertained. Just hoping they don't start to become repeats.... That would drive me crazy

I dont expect I can help much.
I dont know about bipolar and personality disorder.

I presume your GP doesnt know that you do not take the pills he describes, but take the pills that are prescribed for your OH?

No, my GP knows nothing.

Do you think it is time you told him?

I have thought about it, but he is the type to turn around and say that I feel this way because of them. Even though my records go back years & years. I've been taking the pain meds for about 2 years, not religiously every day. But lately its getting that way.
If I didn't think he would try & twist it so it will just be about pain killers, I would. He told me once that I cry everyday because of severe PMT . I don't have periods. I don't have cycles etc. He literally tries to get out of everything.

Could you see another GP?
I just get the impression that you geniunely want to try and see if things can improve, and you are at a point where you want to be more open and upfront about things?

You really shouldn't be taking morphine regularly without medical knowledge. You need testing regularly to make sure that it's not damaging your organs, and it's addictive.

You need to see a GP that you like and tell them that you are addicted, so that they can make sure you aren't damaged and can help.

I say this completely non judgemental, I'm taking morphine. But it's important

Would something like Depakote not work for you? That blocks thoughts but is much safer.

I have thought about changing GP's. I had a breakdown in my GP's office not to long ago, literally crying & revealing things I have never told anyone, it was hard toeven admit it myself... I walked out with a prescription for depressants & a 'have a nice day'. I swear they look at me, and oh, you know. Pills and off I go. Hey, I'm young. My GP even said once 'why are you depressed? Your too young, you have a good life'
Hmmmm... Maybe you would know if I felt comfortable enough to actually talk to you?!
Sorry I just get frustrated because they do NOT believe me. And my only ticket out of this messed up head is pain killers. The morphine I take 5-10mls (liquid) abpu 3 times a week, but I prefer Tramadol which I take 2 tablets every 6-8 hours. I never mix them together.
I just feel so god damb useless & helpless. Why can't the UK be like America? I could go to a nice rehab, get treatment that I need with out Drs trying to undermine you and tell you that mild AD's are going to cure your life....

Changing GP sounds pretty vital to me. Your current GP sounds like he is not doing a good job at all for you.

I cant say about the meds as I dont have any personal experience about them.

You actually sound very together to me.
I dont think I would be if I were in your positiion.

Could you contact the duty mental health worker? Find your nearest community mental health services and call them.

I do know your frustrations. I'm 22, and I'm always told I'm too young to be so poorly, or depressed, or anythingelse rreally. But the duty worker helped. The meds they gave work well to give me head space without damage.

I've had organ failure from tramadol. I have morphine now but I have to be very careful. It's so easy to cause damage or get addicted. I'm worried about you.

I feel I have to be this way, that if I let myself go I'm scared. I've controlled myself for so many years now. It is a scary position to be in. I'm so sick of being this way. Coping like this. Trust me, I do have my moments. Haven't been out of the house in weeks. I cry all the time too. I contemplate ending it, but my daughter keeps me here.
I have spoke to a mental health person, he rang me, we spoke for about 15 mins, then he said a councillor will ring me for my appointments.
I'm the 'strong' one, the one that nothing phases me. I'm always expected to get back on my feet & get on with my life. No one is there for me. I've had to adapt to this. I wish I could let go just let go what I've kept in for all these years... But its a scary place to visit.

I cant say that I understand what you are going through.
Glad you are speaking to a MH person.
Does your OH know all that is going on?

TotallyBursar, glad you are trying to find a way through that works for you.
Perhaps you can answer a question fro me that might be relevant for BLM.
What is the difference between a psychologist and a psychotherapist?
I try googling medical terms and struggle to understand.

And how long or how easy is it to get appointments with them?

Are you any better BLM?
Thinking of you.

There is medication for how you are feeling, which has been prescribed and may well help you. Painkillers don't relieve depression, but antidepressants might just help. Why not give them a chance?