Help without Anti Depressants

[SugarHut]

I'd really like some (kind,helpful) advice please, as I've seen some very harsh and condescending things written where people seem to genuinely be seeking help.

I have a 5yr old boy, and being very honest, I've never really even liked him...I feel like if I could press a button and it would take me back to never have fallen pregnant then I would press it like a shot. I make myself be as good a mother as I can, I hug him and tell him I love him, but I feel nothing. I don't feel repulsion, or hatred, but I feel nothing towards him. It makes me so sad...mainly for him, although I feel I hide it well and he's none the wiser. I long for the 2 days a week my mother has him when I can be me. I'm not a drippy "woe is me" failure, I'm a very strong woman, he's in private school, I have a very good job, which is not even very demanding...on the outside, I look like I have it made....but I wanted a girl so very badly, and every day I feel disappointed.

He's very smart, he gets outstanding reports, his behaviour is excellent, they are talking about putting him up a year in school...all things other parents tell me are amazing. On the outside I smile and gush and agree...on the inside I couldn't care less. I hate it.

Does this sound like depression? I can't bring myself to take any medication, so please don't advise me too. And please don't lecture me for "you shouldn't have had a child if you only wanted a girl" yes I did...but trust me if I knew I'd be this permanently disengaged and hate it to the extremes I do, then I would not have had him and saved us both. No pointless battering me for a decision I can not reverse, I feel bad enough as it is.

I look at other children at the school, and if I look at one of his little girl friends, I imagine it was my child and I get overwhelmed with these warm loving feelings, I want to pick her up and cuddle her, take her shopping, brush her hair, make cakes with her, read stories with her, I feel overwhelming pride and love even though it's a random child, then I look at him and want to cry. I am looking at him right now, and I picture him being a girl and I feel like there is so much love in me for a girl and he's just this child in my house that I don't even feel related to that's ruined my life.

What do I do??? Are there any non medication routes that actually work if I am depressed? Does it even sound like depression? I know these feelings aren't normal, and I know it shouldn't have taken me 5 years to say something about it. But anyone who has had a remotely similar experience please help me. x x x

[SugarHut]

See Harraps post. She is thankfully very honest about what maybe 0.5% of women will admit to being like, but 99% actually are. It's fact.

This is getting rather sidetracked on something not particularly on topic, let's leave it there.....

x x x

[showtunesgirl]

I did read it. And I think that is it relevant.

OP, I think that even if you had had a girl, you would still be here asking why your girl isn't perfect like yourself or why your relationship with her isn't as good as it is between yourself and your mother.

[Ilikethebreeze]

Right. So you have a boy.And he is near perfect.

Having a girl would have been perfect.

So really, you have nearly got perfection.

[SugarHut]

You are of course entitled to your thoughts. They're about as far wrong to apply to me as you can get. To read this thread and conclude that is astonishing...in my humble opinion of course.

If I had a girl I wouldn't care what she was like.

x x x

[SugarHut]

Breeze, that's a very interesting thing to say. And you'd think it was the case...I think what I struggle with is never being able to do anything about it. If my problem was an inability to attach or care because my child was, say, catastophically violent, even if I had made no progress in the last 5 years trying to fix the problem, I would keep working away at a cure. This is incurable, and I think that thought is what the rest of my problems stem from.

x x x

[Ilikethebreeze]

Not quite sure I fuuly understand your last post.
Are you saying that in esscence you are stuck with a boy, and cant change him to a girl, so it is game up?

[showtunesgirl]

Interesting that you use the word incurable. Do you view his sex as an incurable disease?

[Ilikethebreeze]

Sorry about the spelling errors there.

[showtunesgirl]

Usually what is advised is that if you can't change the situation, you have to change the way you think / feel about the situation.

[SugarHut]

Ok....GP appointment endured, have been categorically told, there is no way you are depressed. Lovely. On the down side, have also been told, we're not entirely sure where to place you, this is very uncommon. Which was sodding excellent to hear. Now being referred to 3 separate counselling places....which does make me feel essentially like a freak, but here's hoping one of them can spot something recognisably wrong and start to work on improving it. Feeling very positive that I've taken the first step, and a little deflated that they sat there scratching their heads not knowing where to even send me.

Ho hum.

We shall see how this develops.....

x x x

[yamsareyammy]

I dont think you are depressed either.
Thanks for the update.

You have a nearly perfect boy.
I so very much hope that he will be fully loved and accepted by you.

[harrap]

good to hear you've taken the first step-keep us posted.

[Hoophopes]

Sounds like the gp took you seriously in referring you. Does sound strange to have so many referrals at once, I would have thought they would refer you to one place and get them to refer onto somewhere else if not correct for you. Hope one of them is helpful for you.

[SugarHut]

Makes me feel like a proper little odd job to have several referrals. But she did say it could take a while for the appointments to come through, and some might read my case notes and think my case is not applicable to the services they offer, so she's put me forward to three. Bit of a waiting game now, but I'll go to anything they suggest. I do feel a slight change in me just from talking to people on here. I used to beat myself up for a lot of things I thought I was, but I now see I'm not, it's been so helpful, I can concentrate on what is wrong instead of dithering around things that are not.

x x x

[yamsareyammy]

good, all good.

[Hoophopes]

That makes sense then, for the people to decide if they are the right people to see you. As I cannot imagine you needing or benefitting from 3 types of (probably different) treatment at once. Think the waiting time from referral is 18 weeks, well it is for physical health issues at hospitals so not too long. Glad you are seeing some changes.

[BlackSwan]

A brave first step. Be prepared to throw some cash at the problem if you don't find a counsellor who suits you through the NHS. Glad this is being taken seriously, for you and your son's sake.

[EstelleGetty]

Hi Sugar, I agree with BlackSwan - be prepared to invest some cash in this if the NHS services aren't what you need. Don't think of it as affixing a price to your mental health, but rather investing your money in your own health and future - a very wise thing to do.

And good on you for being prepared to try everything they offer - that's an excellent step. You're not an oddball or a freak. My (lovely) GP always says we're all on a spectrum of normality - some of us just end up a bit too far along one side of the spectrum. It doesn't mean we're not normal. Good luck.

[SugarHut]

Well, frankly, balls.

Just discovered I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Think I'm happy about it. Nothing through from the doctors yet, so no further forward with the problem with my son, and now have this bolted on.

Not sure whether I want my girl so I'll be happy and maybe this will just make me accept The Boy....or whether there will be such a clear favourite it will be detrimental to his growing up, so I'm better off with another boy, so neither will be a "favourite".

Oh what a pickle.

x x x

[HoopHopes]

Can see the dilemma. Will you be a single parent or does a partner have a role in this and does that make a difference. Private scans may identify gender by 16 weeks if you progress that far.

How far did you get with assessment for NHS counselling? Or would you be able to access some quick private treatment now to help you decide your way forward?

[Shakey1500]

I've still got this thread on "watch" and I know I wasn't going to post again but things have moved on somewhat.

A dilemma indeed, I imagine Sugar Still early days for the news to settle and be digested. A prompt to the GP could be useful at this stage?

Now I know that (quite rightly) this thread is and should be a "haven" of sorts for you (and anyone else in similar position) but I feel compelled to ask (?) or at least, state that it actually distresses me to see you write and refer to your son as "The Boy". I can't help think of the book "A Child called It" by Dave Peltzer. Feel free to tell me to fuck off but I can't help hoping that if you at least refer to him as your son, then subconsciously it might make a tiny inroad.

[SugarHut]

Shakey, if you look through the post, on several occasions I've had to point out "The Boy" is a coloquial term used by the entire family. It is his nickname and not something he is called as in "The Individual" or "It" . It astonishes me that this isn't obvious.

Hoop, nothing from GP as yet. Being a single parent is kind of down to me. The father is someone I have recently met, who is very nice, handsome, thrilled at the pregnancy, loves my little boy, incredibly successful.....bores me to the point of distraction. The concept of him as a father, I couldn't ask for much more. The concept of him as a partner leads me to believe I will end up having a string of affairs with people who make me feel alive.... The situation is very much he can not believe his luck and is now virtually suffocating me, clingy, needy. I don't respond to this, I need a VERY strong alpha male who I feel total respect for.

Will be 8 weeks on Wednesday....looking online at options.

Never rains but it pours hey x x x

[SouthernBella]

"Not sure whether I want my girl so I'll be happy and maybe this will just make me accept The Boy....or whether there will be such a clear favourite it will be detrimental to his growing up, so I'm better off with another boy, so neither will be a "favourite". "

Having you as his mother will be detrimental to his growing up regardless of this new baby. That isn't said to be nasty, just real.

I've read all of this thread and I wonder at all if you've read it back and are really aware of how you come across to other people.

I feel desperately sad for your son, to the point where I fear this will haunt me. I truly hope he has someone in his life who can love him and give him what he deserves, even if it's your 'boring' new partner.

I could offer advice from professional experience but it wouldn't be useful, you seem ready to acknowledge that there is a problem but not prepared to be the one responsible. I can only wish you luck.

[Shakey1500]

Sugar I have read all the thread and have "conversed" with you a few times on it. Yes,that it isanickname and just because it is "obvious" doesn't make it any less distressing. (given the nature of your problem)

I would seriously consider your options regarding your pregnancy. That you have acknowledged you have a problem with your first childbeing a boy is a step.But it is a step towards, what I feel,will be a very long journey for you. And a journey that needs tackling as is.Not with the added stresses a new baby will bring. What if this baby is also a boy? It is unsettling enough that there is oneboy missing out on a parents's love,never mind two.And if it's a girl, the perfect girl you have envisaged,will he be cast aside further?

It's grossly unfair and absolutely horrible for him You are an articulate intelligent woman,please please don't bring another child into this.