Can't manage

[EstelleGetty]

I just feel like I'm getting to the end. That anything would be preferable to living. I'm anxious constantly. Mostly anxious about being anxious. I get a little hint of that feeling, I recognise it and it blows up until I'm in a state.

I've been on meds for 3.5 years. Citalopram first, worked for a while, crashed, increased the dose. Sertraline from last summer, and the dose has been increased twice. I love my DH so much, and he is kind and tries to calm me. So do my parents and sister. I'm blessed with an amazing bunch of people around me, but I feel so awful.

I know DH misses the old me, but I don't think there is an old me anymore. This is me. And it's so painful being inside my brain. I go outside, sunshine reminds me of the meltdown I had last summer, and I feel sick.

We really want DCs, but I'm a state. How could I look after them? I smoke. For all my years of smoking, I've never smoked in the evenings or at home, just so DH doesn't have to be around it. Yesterday I started to worry that I was getting more addicted and would need to start smoking in the evenings too. I couldn't bear that. I want my home to be somewhere safe and free of that. The GP tells me not to stop smoking until my anxiety gets better. But it's been so long.

I just don't know what to do. I can't see a future.

You have a very big fear of smoking.
Do you know someone who has been affected by smoking?

Hi Ilike. I don't know anyone who's been ill due to smoking (fortunately) but I think the issue is I always associate with anxiety. If I feel I'm getting more addicted to it (I don't even know if I am), it's bringing the thing I associate with anxiety, but feel I can't do without, into my life more and more.

I know the anxiety's the major issue, but my mind is so mixed up. I can't stop crying.

So you are saying that if you are anxious you smoke more.
And when you smoke more, because you are smoking more, that makes you more anxious because you think you may become more addicted, which makes you even more anxious?

The GP says basically dont worry about the smoking.

What if he said, hi there, no problem with the smoking. Smoke as many as you want.
In fact, they are good for you.
What would you say and do then?

I don't know, it's so hard to get my head round that idea, because I've got such strong associations with it. If it was eating bananas, yes then I might just do it all I wanted to. But it's not.

I find CBT and changing beliefs so hard. My GP thinks it's because I'm a researcher and my instinct is to disbelieve everything I read and challenge it. I just don't know. So scared for DH. I feel like he'll end up alone, one way or the other - without me if I leave, without me if I stay because I'm only getting worse.

Ah. I know a little about research and researchers.
Surely, a researcher has to challenge, yes, but he/she doesnt dispense with all research and knowledge that has been done before?

I think, with these sorts of things, it is a case of practice, practice, practice.
So, tell your brain that you are eating bananas when you smoke.
Bottom line is, what the GP says.
So, it is ok to think of your cigarettes as bananas.

Also, your brain is not infallible.
You are putting an awful lot of store by your brain.
But it isnt always right , is it?

I'm so sorry to bump this up but i just need to talk. Things are awful today. My DH has been out all day because he can't cope with my anxiety anymore. I feel I'm ruining his life . I've chain smoked about 20 cigarettes. I see no future. If it wasn't for DH, my mum, dad and sister, i'd kill myself. I can't take this anymore.

DH keeps getting angry. Telling me i need to fight it. But i can't fight anymore. It's much stronger than me. All i want is a normal life. Not this .

Have you been alone all day? No wonder you need to chat

Maybe the Dr was trying to tell you to not to make too many stressful changes in one go and could then try to encourage you to switch to e-cigarettes or patches when you feel in control of other things? Is it the something to do with your hands that you like, or is it the nicotine rush? Knowing what the trigger is could help you identify scenarios that make you chain smoke (as well as the most obvious one of anxiety / depression).

I've not got any helpful advice, but can do some hand holding, if that would help, I hope that by bumping your thread, someone will come along soon with some useful advice.

Thank you, greenhill, i appreciate having a hand to hold. I've not been alone, have been with my mum, dad and sister, who are so kind but I've been feeling like my whole body's on fire all day and nauseous. I had to leave them because i needed to smoke. I went to the park and sat alone for an hour.
I've no idea where DH is. He needs his weekends to recuperate, his job is so stressful and i've ruined everything.

This just keeps happening. I can't stand it.

Thanks triumph, I'm having CBT with a psychologist once a week. But i don't know if it can help. I feel too far gone. I've got a total obsession with smoking. When my anxiety hits, if i don't smoke, i have a massive panic attack.

I think you need to go back to the doctors Estelle - maybe you could use a change of meds. There is a very supportive thread running here called "that light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train, stay on track" its a support thread for folk suffering from anxiety among other mental illnesses. I am on there and its very supportive, its not necessarily about talking about the route problem, but day to day support, of course if you want to unlload the issue, its also a good place. Take a look - you are not alone.

I also have a background in research and was incredibly sceptical about CBT, i prefer a more traditional counselling. Maybe ask your doctor for a referral?

The smoking is a symptom and therefore a trigger for your anxiety, i think once you get your anxiety sorted you will be able to adress the smoking. I think it is important that you do actually as you are using it as a stick to beat yourself with.

Oh and do consider the exercise thing, the nicotine in smoking is mimicking the downstream effects of adrenaline anyway so is actually stimulating your anxiety to a degree, so whilst you feel you panic without it, its exacerbating things. Could you go for a run instead? or just a brisk walk?

Thanks LEM, i will take a look at that thread. I'm going to the GP on Monday. I hope she can help.

I just find CBT so difficult. I feel that i can tell myself over and over that I'll be fine, but my heart totally disagrees.

Hi Estelle, sorry to hear you're feeling so low. I recognise what you're saying about CBT - I didn't find it useful as ultimately I didn't believe it. I'm doing Dialectical Behavioural Therapy at the moment which involves lots of mindfulness. Have you heard of this or tried it before? The main area I'm focussing on is anxiety and although it's baby steps I am actually finding it useful - and I'm surprised as CBT just so wasn't for me.
I think anxiety is like a special form of mental torture where it's your own mind that's doing it to you and it's hard to see a way out of that. But please don't give up, there are lots of different therapies out there and if you can keep going you will find the one that works for you and take back control of your life from this awful illness xx

Thanks galwaygirl (I like your name, my best friend's from Galway). I'm glad to hear DBT is helping you. I'm looking into mindfulness courses in my area, just to see what's out there. Are you getting DBT privately, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm getting DBT for free but am in another European country, I just lucked into it really after moving here from the UK. I had never heard of it before, I actually had CAT as well in the UK and found that good but feel like the DBT will actually help me change hopefully. It does seem like it will be a long process but I really feel finding something you can believe will help makes things seem so much more positive. Just seeing a light at the end of the tunnel! Xx

Lara, what you've described actually sounds a lot like me and i so appreciate you telling me your story. I need to be brave enough. I actually pray every night that i will be.
I used to only smoke 5 a day, and only at work (Monday to Friday) so i thought the addiction was far more psychological than physical. Then, just last year, i started to feel like i was getting more addicted and started smoking at weekends. I managed to start using nicotine patches at weekends but have been feeling recently that they've stopped working. But then i don't even know if that's true. I don't know what's anxiety and what's cravings.

When i tried to quit a few years ago, i had a breakdown. But i wasn't on meds at the time and that was my first attempt. I've read 2 Allen Carr books and been to a hypnotist but nothing has helped. I need to get brave enough.

Thanks Lara, your story gives me some hope. Thank you.