Have too much on plate - but not sure where to post or what to ask

[BiddyPop]

Hi, sorry for the title. I am not sure where to put this, but here seemed the nearest fit. And apologies for the length as I suspect this will be long (brain dump).

I have too much to do and too much stress at the moment.

My husband works 50% of his time in South Africa, and is due home tomorrow from the latest trip (usually 2 weeks there, 2 weeks here but this one was 3 weeks there). Bad communications and I have to keep everything else going while he's away.

DD has SN - high functioning but asperger's/ADHD. Which means that sometimes it's fine, but often you are walking on eggshells to not say the wrong thing and spark a row or meltdown. And routine is vital for her to cope. And boundless energy.

I have a very full-on job, which I can't step back from as it's the permenant pensionable one. But we are losing staff and gaining work and I am starting to be unable to get things done there.

And I also have not only vacancies to cover myself, but 1 person who is on reduced days to care for terminally ill father, 1 person who is pregnant after multiple miscarriages and hasn't told others, 1 person who is going through other investigations (at least 2 issues), and before I lost another staff member they had surgery meaning lots more time off and worries (for them - but I always get dragged in a certain amount).

On top of that, someone on a different but related team decided to throw a MASSIVE strop 2 weeks ago in a really busy stressful time, which caused chaos in the room and we lost almost a whole week of work, major drama and stress, and resulted in that team relocating to a different room with very bad feelings all around. They seem to want to push it under a rug, but my staff and I are left reelling from it all.

My Gran died almost 8 weeks ago - she was 93 and bedridden for the past year, so it was her time (and she was in good spirits if failing physically, so not a terribly bad time). But that was still a wrench, as she was my last grandparent. (Other gran died last summer, 1 grandad died 3 years ago that I am still processing, 1st grandad died almsot 20 years ago). And apart from the actual wrench of it (and while expected, it was sudden enough in the end and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye), DH had just gone overseas again and couldn't get home so I had to deal with the fall out and the practical arrangements for my family (DD and I, and au pair helping) alone. And helping DD come to terms with it.

While DH was home, he flew into a different airport to attend his DBro's 40th birthday (we were there too as I drove down), folllowing weekend we were back for my DNephew's 5th birthday (my DSis lives overseas so it's his 1st party for family, so a big deal!). And the following weekend was a long trip to another part of the country for my DBros wedding. And then DH went away again the day after Gran's month's mind, and while he was suffering a BAD cold (he went home ill after church, very unlike him). He is flying in to a different airport tomorrow as we are away for the bank holiday weekend, but now have to come back on Sunday as UK bosses are over and insisting on meetings on Monday for DH. (I am doing the driving for 4 hours, again, to get there this afternoon, and I also have a lot of driving tomorrow as I am bringing the au pair on the tourist parts before she leaves at the end of the month. I hope DH will be fit to drive home again Sun). And as I am on the Committee organising a major conference next week, which DH is also attending, it's another busy week (I'll be there probably 2 of the 4 days, but have to go to 2 different dinners at night too that I can't get out of).

I had to interview for new au pairs, which was quite stressful this year (agency messed us around). But seem to have found one -but I am not a major fan of sharing my house with a stranger all the time. I do it because I have to, but I never have any certainty of quiet enjoyment of peace at home anymore. And I also had to organise the camps for the whole summer (DD could go to creche but gets bored so needs sports camps around the place for summer, and I need her happy to go into creche during school terms for afterschool).

DD has an ear infection this week, so has been off school. I rear-ended a car last week so my neck and shoulders and back are shouting at me. I haven't slept well while DH has been away this time. I had to go to a course 3 hours away on Tuesday, so took the whole day off (but couldn't actually take "me-time" in the end as I had to bring DD to OOH doc Mon night and she was home then Tues with her ears).

I am just worn out in body and mind. But I cannot see anyway to sort it out. I can feel the stress in my muscles, but I cannot actually unwind them, nor get my mind wound down enough to sleep at a reasonable hour (hell, by the time I GET DD as far as bed, and then get the housework sorted, I am doing well to be finished before 11pm). I have slept through my alarm about 6 times in the past 2 weeks. I am too worn out to make my lunches for work (loads of salad veg, which is my attempt at healthiness) and stress means I am eating cake at night too. I have been pretty good at not reaching for the wine every night tho (maybe 4/5 nights over the 3 weeks, and only 1 glass most of those).

If I take time off work, I will be stressing about the amount building up for me (and there are now so few of us, that I am firefighting the urgent and not getting the important done - so I will be getting hauled in front of senior people in about 3 weeks over missing deadlines there - but I just cannot get everything done physically). I know writing this doesn't help that in terms of taking time away, but

I know I am not superwoman, I cannot do it all. But I keep up trying to. DH doesn't "see" all that I have to do. He always talks about how hard it is for him being away, and I REALLY do get that (I've done times when I've been away for 1-2 weeks at a time), but he also gets to eat hot meals, have some time out, watch tv at night, enjoy at least 1 day at the weekend, etc even though he works really hard. Whereas while he's away, I have DD swinging out of me all evening, I don't eat properly (sometimes I do but the last 2 trips I haven't been able to get time) and I am running the whole household (cooking, laundrey, shopping, planning etc - AP does most of the cleaning) and taking all the responsibility while he's away. And then having him (unintentionally - I am POSITIVE on that score) being a bit of a Disney dad when he's here, doing fun stuff with DD while I am so worn out I end up screeching at her while he's away.

And while I was earmarking a few quid for myself to take an overnight to London to see a play I really want to go to, that's now swallowed up again in medical bills and car bills from the latest accident. (I'd only just finished physio about 6 weeks after I was rear-ended last summer - so I am hopping about that too, and have almost no spare cash as I had to pay for it all myself and it's only going through insurance now so I expect it will be another 12 months at least before I see that cash back). I'm presuming this one I will have to pay all (I don't think I can claim my own medical bills against my own insurance) but I know I've lost my no claims bonus. I'm reasonably ok, the guy I hit seemed fine (and his car looked ok but it was a big car so the underneath could be very expensive to repair if he does get it checked), and my car is repaired - I could have taken a risk of sorting it with my own garage, but if he claimed, it would be expensive, so I reported it to insurance.

I know the accident is probably a wakeup call to me to sort things out, but I need to get through the next 7.5 days. And I intend pulling the duvet over my head for the weekend next weekend. But what can I do to stay sane in the meantime. (If people are nice at the moment and ask me how I am, really asking (not just polite), I just start to cry uncontrollably and I don't have time for that, seriously).

Sorry this is so long, it's been cathartic just to get it all out.

Wow.

Have you thought about showing DH this post? Sounds like some more support from him would go a long way.

x

It is indeed a long post so I will write and post as I read it.

Not sure if you are the boss?
Or owner?
Or responsible?

I am a person who deals with the here and now.
My guess is that your DH earns a good wage?

I dont know how pensions work exactly.
Could you not do fewer hours or something, to deal with the now problems or stress.

I cant see the point of ruining yout health for the sake of your pension.
But there again, my own DH is self employed, so we rely on the business as our pension.

wow to your workload, just wow.

Now spotted you go to church. fwiw so do I . And I always think an important part of the bible is about money - God will give us what we need.Perhaps you are woorying too much about money and pensions?

Part 2!
When I wrote "I am a person who deals with the here and now", I actually had Math 6 in my mind.
It speaks about todays troubles.
It very much strikes me that you need to concentrate on today, not tomorrow.
it strikes me that the way you are living is not really the way you should be. [hope this doesnt come across as a lecture, it is not meant to be]

fwiw, I think your life is harder than your DH's.

Now got to the bit where you dont have spare cash. Cant say I understand that.
Why do you have medical bills? Are you in the UK?
Why will insuarance take so long to pay up. [perhaps I am wrong in that, but our sort of local ins co pays up far far sooner, like 1 month].

Now got to the end!
Normally, in posts like this, I am relieved if people have spare cash, because then money can be thrown at some problems, such as cleaner, childcare or whatever.
I thought this might be the case with your post when it started.
Do you have a big house and big mortgage?

hth

Thank you both for reading and responding.

I had to get some stuff done on Friday before leaving work, and was offline all weekend. Busy, but we went out to eat all weekend so I didn't have too much cleaning to do when we left (my parent's holiday house - so very strict rules). And we got good weather yesterday, so DD and I gardened in the morning, which I finished in the afternoon while DH took her to the beach (and back for togs to swim). Neighbours invited us to a BBQ last night, which was relaxing.

This week will be busy again, but I made some time to unwind over the weekend for ME. I got the bus this morning (intending getting taxi tonight after work dinner) and will do the same tomorrow. And then the rest of the week should be relatively calm.

I am not the ultimate boss, I have a few layers above me, but I have a few staff reporting to me. And those layers above are under too much pressure (and can be great at turning a blind eye) as well.

On the money parts, well, yes, I try to keep it generally in perspective. DH earns more than me, but we both took pay cuts and he has a lot more outgoings now that he's travelling. DD's costs are getting higher too (childcare, meds, and activities to use up energy). We don't get free Drs and meds here (Ireland) - she has free long term meds for her SN, but any other meds and my own asthma meds, I have to pay the first ?132 a month.

On the insurance, DH broke his wrist a couple of years ago and it took almost 2 years for the claim to be settled. I know that I will be waiting at least 4-6 months at the very minimum to get back my costs from last year (medical) - the car was fixed on insurance at the time. And realistically, I don't expect to see it for 12 months, the average is 18 months. But I had to pay the excess on the policy to get my car back last week, and I know I've now lost my no claims bonus when insurance renews in Feb (but that's ok).

The pay cuts over the past couple of years, combined with the extra pressures, meant that the cushion I had is now gone. Having an au pair, while meaning cleaning is done and I don't need to worry about DD getting to school in mornings when DH is away, is twice the cost of the previous cleaning service, and while we dropped 2 afternoons in creche, that doesn't make up the shortfall. I need to keep a place in creche as an emergency fallback (if AP doesn't work out at any point, or if there are emergency school closures etc). And coming to grips with her SN diagnosis has meant finding information (so joining support groups - not a lot but it's an extra sum) and travelling to courses (so far the courses have been free, but I've had to travel to them a fair distance). And I have been using more convenience foods than I used to and shopping more in supermarket only when I used to get to local F&V, butcher etc - so convenience has resulted in spending more.

Going to London would have meant a flight, hotel, food and theatre ticket - so the guts of ?300-400 for a night. It was just a play that I particularly fancied seeing, but I will make the time to see a play in Dublin over the summer instead.

We both have cars - economical ones. I use mine most days as I have to collect DD some days and relieve AP others, but generally am racing to finish things here so bus, while possible, is not practical. But I am making the effort to use it more when I can. And we need the large one for when we go to see our families (160 miles away, we manage it about every 2-3 months at the moment).

The mortgage isn't huge, and we aren't in negative equity. House is ok for our needs - rooms for all but no spare bedroom (AP's room used to be the spare). Garden is small, but I gave up the allotment I had as I wasn't able to get there enough - I enjoyed it when I was there, but knew it added to stresses when I wasn't.

I think I started to see the woods again over the weekend, rather than just the trees. And I have booked time off over the summer, which includes 3 days just for me (the morning off I had intended for sleep last week ended up with me minding a sick DD instead) - and DH will be bringing DD to all her sports this week. I may even take a sneaky day off next week and not tell them - not sleep but have a relaxing swim and then reading my book in the park for the day.