Just clearing my head I think.

[MathematicalPrinciples]

I don't really know where to start. I'm very depressed at the moment and I've been slogging along for so long now, chasing the light at the end of the tunnel and trying to perk myself up that this too will pass, but it's just getting worse. I feel like this is the end of the road for me.

I just feel like I'm begging constantly for attention and affection. I've had so many rejections for jobs I've applied for since Christmas; none of my medical referrals have gone through even though I've tried chasing them up; I have no friends, my partner hates my guts and wants me out of his life even though I've pleaded with him to reconsider, and with that I'm about to lose my home and all my savings, too. Yesterday I tried to join a group on Meet Up (an online network of local groups and people to join/meet up with) and got a message back from the group organiser that my application had been declined due to not being a match for the group. Such a silly little thing, but it stung. Even somebody who's never met me doesn't want to get to know me, is what it feels like, although that's not true, it wasn't personal, it shouldn't feel so personal.

I contacted a few old friends on Facebook, caught up and exchanged a few nice chatty messages. I asked a couple of them if they'd like to meet up for a coffee whilst I was back visiting my old hometown recently - they said they would but when I tried to confirm a day the messages just tailed off and I've had nothing since so it's clear they weren't really interested.

I just feel very low and unwanted, really. I made a suicide attempt a few weeks ago and thought afterwards that I was glad it didn't work because it could be like my Damascene conversion, the point from which I threw myself into life - hence all the contacting people on Facebook, trying to join groups, buying a bicycle to get out more. But all that has come to nothing and I'm back where I was before. I'm too tired to carry on any more. At the hospital they said they'd refer me for counselling, but it's not happened and when I call my GP to find out they don't know who I am, say they'll call back but don't. The Samaritans listened and were lovely, but they just reassured me that my life was worth living but I can't see it at the moment and have to trust things will improve gradually. But it's been like this for years. They're just reassuring to be nice. I hate who I am and how I behave and that nobody likes or wants me as a result, but I don't know what I'm doing or recognise when I'm doing them so I can't stop doing it.

Hi Mathematical, though I don't have any constructive advice for the situation with your home and finances, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

You did a brave thing, contacting the Meet Up group and I think being turned down would sting anyone. Some Meet Up group that! [hmmm] And about your friends on Facebook - please don't take it personally. We all turn down invites or don't follow them up for our own reasons, usually nothing to do with the person making the invitation. Are there any other kinds of groups you might think of joining? A book club if you enjoy reading? Have a look at what your local library offers. What sort of job are you looking for?

Can I ask if you're on medication? If not, it might be worth looking into. You've been treated appallingly by your GP service. Would you think about registering with another doctor? If not, please just phone and complain, complain, complain until you get the attention you deserve.

I get how you feel. I'm bloody tired too. I'm so sorry to hear about your suicide attempt, but I'm so, so glad it didn't work, because that means you're here now, to talk to all of us. Take care.

Hi
Agree with the points Estelle makes.
Also, have you tried joining a church group. Hopefully they should be welcoming, especially a large group.
I am not sure you should be holding in to your partner. He isnt making you feel better is he?
I should imagine he is taking advantage of you if you are trying to cling on to him.
Jobs - are you geting any interviews?
You could also try the locals board on here. You dont have to use the name you used on here if you dont want to.

mathematical you sound completely lost, going round in circles. You're suffering dreadfully, are you on any medication?

Meeting people and getting together with people you haven't seen for a while is difficult when you're in a good frame of mind, so I think you're being very ambitious.

Take some smaller steps first. Concentrate on getting some help from your GP, give yourself permission to drop everything else until you've got some support with your mood.

Having constant rejection is making things worse, take that out of the equation for a while. Your relationship with your partner sounds really painful for you, you have my sympathy, and I think you're going to have to make a decision for your own well being. Don't waste your precious time on someone who isn't good for you.

One step at a time. Life can be good again, even though at the moment it's very difficult and full of challenges.