I hate myself.

[OnTheNingNangNong]

I am a long time depressive- my teenage years and into adulthood. I had PND with DC1 and it was horrific, from there on I have hated who I am, I am a shouting wreck, I have scared my kind, loving DC1 because of it. I cannot cope with a lot of every day things, I get anxious and stressed very easily.

I also hate the way I look, I hate my face, I look so old and haggard, I struggle to lose weight and my personality is non existent.

I don't want to be this way, I want to be someone else.

Oh no, that sounds awful for you. Are you on any medication for your depression? Also, do you have a partner or any good friends or family members who can support you at all? How old is your DC now? Wee hugs for you, I know how PND feels anyway and it's just horrible.

Are you on any medication at all?

Thanks for replying. I'm not on any medication as they can't find anything I can take while breastfeeding.

My eldest is 6, youngest is 1 and it's just us and my husband. We have no friends or family near us. My husband desperately wants to help me, but he really doesn't know what to do.

I had started to get better, my pregnancy with DC2 was completely different, my MH was good and while I didn't like myself then, I could accept it. The past few months I'm spiraling more and more into self loathing.

I don't want to be this way, I want to be a positive role model for my children, at this rate I'll end up a shouty shadow.

Have you had anti depressants in the past? I started on sertraline whilst still bf, it's not ideal but I was heading towards feeling suicidal.

I'm so glad you have a partner, though it can be very scary for them too, especially as they miss the old you too.

I'm a bit evangelical about anti depressants as I personally had such success with them, although for some they don't work or aren't appropriate. Keep the lines open with your doctor. You won't always be bf, and then the smorgasbord of pharmacology is yours.

It's boring, but how is your general health? Sleep, eating etc? That stuff really matters when you're struggling to beat mental illness.

I have been there - (still am to a degree), and it is so hard. Have you had any counselling at all - sorry, im not being much help as im really tired. There is a wonderful support thread in this section - its called "that light at the end of the tunnel, isn't a train, stay on track" Could you have a look for that? We all have MH issues to deal with, mostly anxiety and depression and its such a supportive place.

It is very hard for partners, my DP struggles too. i am having counselling at the moment and it helps.