Terrified I'm becoming like my mum

[LittleLisa78]

I had an awful childhood, mum hated me. I think she was on anti depressants some of the time, mostly she was nasty, snappy and bitter. She threw me out several times from eleven onwards and was delusional. Eventually she tried to kill me and was sectioned, diagnosed initially as bipolar but think it may have later changed to schizophrenic - I no longer have contact.
Recently I've been having really low moods. I feel tired, ranty in my head, really irritable, hopeless and frustrated. This morning I felt as though I had a physical weight on my eyelids/brows and couldn't shift the feeling of feeling utterly fed up. I have beautiful healthy children and should be happy - most days I am, but I feel like my low days are abnormally low if that makes sense. Is it normal to feel like this sometimes, or something more?

Yes, I feel like this sometimes. Horrible isn't it? You are human and will have bad days but if you think it is too much I'd visit your GP. It sounds like despite everything you are creating a lovely childhood for your children. You should be proud of yourself!

I go above and beyond to ensure I'm a great mum but sometimes feel guilty if kids annoy me. Tonight, for example, dd was singing the same line of a song with the wrong words at full volume repeatedly - at least 100 times. I felt like screaming then worried I'm depressed, then thought anyone would be annoyed by that. Particularly as she's tone deaf!

I think you are struggling to know a little bit, what is normal.
But you do sound like you are doing a good job.

When was the last time you had a break.
Either with or without the kids?

You sound normal to me btw.

I have never had a break from the kids but don't want one. Youngest currently co sleeps and wakes often so just can't wait for her to settle better so I can have a bath, read etc. I think I'd feel much better then. Kids and I have breaks every school holiday, even if its just camping

It's normal to feel like that sometimes.

However, taking into account your childhood, it could be a 'lead in' from that. Not necessarily because you're turning into your mother, I'm almost 100% sure you're not, but because you have a lot of feelings you had to dismiss whilst going through a difficult childhood.

It can manifest itself in lots of ways, but most commonly depression and/or anxiety. I think it would be good to visit your GP, and ask to be referred to a counsellor.

It is so important to try to clear as much of your repressed feelings as possible, for the sake of both you and your children so that you feel happy and relaxed and comfortable.

It is so normal to be annoyed at your child singing the same song again and again.
I asked my son nicely to please stop this morning then yelled at him because he didn't and I really couldn't concentrate on anything.

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. Trying to be nice and friendly at all times is so draining.

Have a big hug from me. A break would be nice, but we can't all have them. Have one if you can! x

Hi Lisa,
lots of this sounds like the classic joys of parenthood but if you get stuck with your low mood and it lasts more than two weeks, then that is the time to speak to your GP. With any health thing, sooner treated, sooner mended etc... take care and be kind to yourself x

Please bear in mind that all adults need breaks from their kids. That is a healthy thing to do.
For absolutely everyone concerned.

I don't have anyone to have them though so not much choice anyway! It never lasts two weeks - usually a few days at most. Thanks for your kind words and advice xx