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Original poster

I don't know what to do anymore

15 replies

mumof2teenboys · 17/05/2013 09:37

The title says it all, my eldest son killed himself in july last year. I have been 'coping' ever since.

I'm not coping, I don't want to live anymore, I know that it is selfish, I have seen and experienced the devastation that suicide causes. I cannot see any point in carrying on. I am fucking up my younger son so badly by still being here. Him and my partner would be so much better off without me messing everything up.

I'm tired of living, it seems so completely pointless. I just want to lie down and go to sleep and never wake up.

OP posts:
violetsrblue · 17/05/2013 10:17

I can't begin to imagine the horror of your situation, though I've had the feeling of not wanting to be here. Have you had any help at all from gp, counsellor or anything like that?

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 17/05/2013 10:25

I saw a Cruse counsellor for a while but didn't really gel with her. My GP gave me some tablets when he first died but none since. I haven't been to the GP to be honest. I can't admit that I'm not coping.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 17/05/2013 10:29

Who is it that you cannot admit that you are not coping? The GP? Because I always think GPs are people who have seen everything before. More than we will ever know.

violetsrblue · 17/05/2013 10:43

Can you go back to your gp, or a different one, and say what you've said here - maybe print it off? It's important you get as much help as possible with this, now, and you've made a first step by posting here.

AnnCV · 17/05/2013 10:47

I really truly understand how you feel and how much you want to die. But you are wrong. Your son will be so devastated to lose you.

When suicidal we have to break things up into 15 minute bursts. Sometimes I think to myself 'ok I will kill myself but not now. I will do the washing up first/ have a cup of tea/ watch a film'. It has kept me going some days.

medication etc has not worked for me but you must try it as it may help.

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 17/05/2013 10:54

My GP is our family one, he tried so hard to help James and was very shocked when James died. I don't want to go in and tell him how I feel now.

There are only 2 doc's in the practice (its tiny) so the likelihood of seeing him is pretty high.

I have tried telling people that I'm not coping and they keep telling me that I'm doing well and have been strong for this long. They seem to think that I just need some tablets or counselling to help me.

I can't make them understand that it is living that I'm not coping with. That getting up and dressed is about my limit these days.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 17/05/2013 11:04

Sad. Very Sad for you.
First of all I would like to say that I have never been in your situation.
I would suggest that you make a GPs appointment, with the other doctor in your surgery.

Mitchy1nge · 17/05/2013 11:07

I remember you and often wonder how you are :( can't begin to imagine but wanted to add my love and hope you get some support

big hugs if they are welcome x

mulranno · 17/05/2013 11:46

mumof2teenageboys - I am so sorry to hear of your hideous, devastating loss. The only thing that I can say to you is you don't have to "cope" - you don't have to do anything active - your mind and body will automatically grieve - and it is exhausting and fatiguing. Try and be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack - you don't have to get up and get dressed if you don't feel like it. My own experience of grief taught me that it got a lot worse/more intense before it settled - particularly in advance of the first anniversary which you are now facing. Days were spent in one of two states unbearable or unbelievable. I had many days were I did not want to wake up - and would have been relieved to have curled up into a ball and died. But they were just "intrusive thoughts" - I did not pro-actively plan or plot a way out. I also read Gloria Hunnifords book on grief which she compiled from letters from so many members of the public who wrote to her to share their experiences of losing a child after the death of her own daughter Caren. For me I found it immensely helpful when someone described grief coming over you repeatedly like waves - so that you succumb to the pain and scream, shout, cry - but the wave will recede after a day, a morning and hour - after which time you can come up for air and function/cope until the next wave hits. I also found the bereavement thread here on MN really helpful. Lots of love Mulranno

RoseWei · 18/05/2013 20:58

I'm very, very sorry about your eldest son. The pain you describe - it sounds hideous.

Please, please, please know that your younger son - and indeed your partner - need you desperately. You are your youngest son's rock - whatever you may be thinking. His rock. Is he getting or has he got support and help from outside the family?

I don't of course know your GP situation but I can't help feeling that perhaps you should see the GP that knew your son - or the other one - as someone else said, they really have seen it all before. They can help - they can signpost - a good family GP is priceless at a time like this.

Really look after yourself - this isn't just a platitude. Do nice things for yourself. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Can you do something as a family - if DS2 is at school still, half term is looming - can you go somewhere - do things?

www.tcf.org.uk/leaflets/lesuicide.html

Do you know Compassionate Friends - link above - and their helpline?

Agree the bereavement thread here is hugely supportive.

sensesworkingovertime · 20/05/2013 20:47

Mum I cannot really say anything better than what everyone else has said. I have a teenage boy myself and cannot begin to imagine your pain. There are obviously lots of people on here who want to help you, and even more who are thinking of you and do not know what to say. Who can know what to say......except maybe a very good counsellor.

I am thinking of you and very much hoping you find some strength and comfort in something and I think AnnCV had some really good simple practical advice.

Love to you and your family.

ImperialBlether · 20/05/2013 20:52

I've always remembered your son, since you told us about your desperately sad loss. My son is a similar age and it broke my heart to see you try to cope.

Please, please be kind to yourself. Your younger son must be terribly sad and he does need his mum so much.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful.

donna3004 · 25/05/2013 08:07

I don't know what to do anymore, i'm suffering from depression and anxiety and i am taking medication, my ex partner knows this but is using this against me and he and his friend are threatening me with social services, he has recorded me when we have argued and is now threatening me.
what can i do.

donna3004 · 25/05/2013 08:13

I make sure my son has everything he needs, he is a happy child and very clever for his age, my son means everything to me, he makes me laugh all the time, but my ex partner is threatening me along with his friend and i don't know what to do.

smiki · 25/05/2013 16:19

Donna3004, please don't worry about your ex partner's threats. Social services are way too busy dealing with parents who are actually abusing their children to worry about anything else. They also recognise malicious referrals when they hear them.
What a social worker will see is, yes, you have depression and anxiety, but you are getting help for this, and so there is no cause for concern. Your ex partner's behaviour is much more concerning.
I would suggest getting some advice on how to deal with him. Does your town have a women's centre? The one where I live offers lots of help and advice. If not, you could try Women's Aid.
Good luck!

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